I thought I would update as it has been a few days.
I woke up in A&E again yesterday morning, sent home by the same people who I saw on Saturday. My family pretty much had me on suicide watch yesterday but finally left me in peace last night. They want me admitted and are going to try and push for it.
Crisis team came this morning, they may consider admission, going to see me daily and tomorrow I have a med review.
I have only been out of bed to feed my animals and smoke, I'm exhausted and tormented by suicidal thoughts. Self harm is not even easing it and meds are not helping me sleep.
Don't worry about work just focus on getting yourself better both physically, mentally and emotionally. Work can wait for while.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
I'm really glad your family is trying to help and advocate for you, so that you get the help you so need.
How are things going with crisis team?
They aren't really sure what to do with me at the moment. Some mention of intervention team and possible hospital admission but I couldn't quite grasp it. They are coming again tomorrow morning and I have a med review in the afternoon. I have just wrapped myself up in bed and struggling tonight as some things have been bought up by people (unintentionally) that have made me rather emotional.
I'm having to wait for the crisis team now even though they are meant to be coming to me in the morning (or later on this morning). I'm not sure how long they will be though and I haven't had my meds. I'm exhausted and need to lay down. I just want my bed.
I was woken up by the crisis team this morning. They said they don't think the service is right for me and will be arranging a meeting with all teams to decide where to go from here but will continue to come and see me until then. Not much was said, just told to make sure I go to my med review this afternoon.
Nothing has been put in place, crisis team and community team dont know what to do with me. Everyday I hear 'we are discussing it in team meetings'. I have taken to writing again to try and distract myself from the overwhelming thoughts, I am trying SO hard to help myself but I need help...wish I had the balls to share this on social media so people would understand but I'm going to remain quiet because it doesnt matter how loud I shout, I probably wont get anywhere anyway.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : may be triggering?
'Just because it is in your head, it does not mean it isn't real' (Albus Dumbledore).
For those that have not experienced mental illness, I can understand why it is not easy for them to know what to do or say and I can understand them not believing that anyone can actually feel this way.
I don't believe that labels help the stigma either. Some labels are more 'accepted' than others - psychosis, schizophrenia, bipolar. Others, however, are not and personally, i feel that they are overlooked, especially by the NHS.
Saying this though, I dont want to be labelled. I dont want the label of borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder - this makes me feel that I am just a bad person who just wants attention. I do not want the label of anorexia or bulimia because it makes me feel that i am doing this for vanity. I do not want the label of depression or anxiety because they are so readily handed out now that it has become a fashion statement and excuse for certain behaviours.
I am not a label, i do not see myself as having one or all of these, I have symptoms that fit into all categories, hell, i have hallucinated and I have heard things too, but these should not define me. I am an individual, I am human, I have feelings that I may feel more intensely or I just dont manage as well as other people. I am not a disease or disorder and the problems I face are not caused by one thing but a multitude of things that accumulated over my lifetime, leaving me with maladaptive coping mechanisms, much like an animal showing stereotypic behaviour in captivity.
I am sick of being treated as a disorder, with the typical medication. This is not something that can be cured with medication. I know that recovery has to come from within but sometimes I need help to get back on my feet after falling down, how can I even begin to recover when I cannot stand without support right now?
I have been begging for help and so have my family but its falling on deaf ears, because my mental illness is not 'severe enough' and I do not deserve a bed.
I'm so sorry they're treating you so badly. I can only imagine how frustrating and disheartening it is to ask for help over and over and them to not put anything in place.
That was such a heartfelt piece of writing, I hope it helped to get it out. I can understand what you mean about the labels because I too was labelled and told what would work for me because of this, even though I told them again and again it didn't.
I wish there was more to say, but please keep fighting.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
thank you for being so awesome guys, i dont have any ink in my printer at the moment so i cant print this off but if i feel up to it, i will try and write it out later.
I just dont know what else i can do.
Im labelled with this 'incurable' disorder and not getting any support and i want to fucking live, i want to do well and be a good member of society like i was just a year ago but i cannot live like this any longer.
I have tried so hard and i am so tired.
So, crisis team were meant to come this morning but haven't. I have been up all night with my limbs randomly jerking and I think I was hallucinating.
Either way, the smallest noise makes me jump out of my skin and I feel like a ticking time bomb.
My private therapist returns next week. I just hope I can be strong enough to get there as its an hours drive and that feels too much at the moment.
So we shall see if crisis team turns up, if they don't by 6pm I will call and ask why they didn't pass the message on that they were not coming. Otherwise, my dad would have arranged to come up but he didn't want to be here and intrude whilst they were here.
To be honest, I'm too exhausted anyway and have only made it out of bed to feed the animals.