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Old 28-02-2021, 07:34 PM   #2741
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
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I disagree that not feeling able to make phone calls means you must be OK. It just means you find it more helpful with face-to-face support. Maybe you could try writing what you would like to say on the phone (almost like a script if it's easier than a list type thing) and then read it out when/if you ring?

You are deserving of support and I'm so sorry you've been let down.







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Old 01-03-2021, 03:13 PM   #2742
one_step_closer
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Thank you. I sometimes prepare what I need to say but it's the hanging up bit that I need to tackle.

I'm low and anxious today. I went out for a walk but my anxiety got worse and I need to go out again to get my cats meds. I wish I could tell the CMHT that things have gotten worse since I was discharged and that they'd let me have my previous CPN back. I'm really not coping well without regular emotional support. I'm self harming more and the men and the followers are extra noisy and demanding. Luckily the weather isn't extreme or the men would tell me to go out at night to see if the entrance to the other world is reflected in car headlights and then go into those headlights. The times I've been out there hasn't been much traffic and I couldn't see the entrance to the other world. But getting very cold is important.

I at least wish I was braver and it was easier to make a phone call.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 03-03-2021, 02:57 PM   #2743
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I've been stuck inside very low moods and self harm and I can't think of a way to make things bearable. I'm slowing down, giving up. A telephone call seems further out of the question because of this. I don't know what to do.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 03-03-2021, 03:25 PM   #2744
Cacoethes
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I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad lindsay
The difficult thing is, the more you call the more they'll have on record that you're struggling so you may have a better chance of getting your cpn back.
I know it's so so hard to call though
Thinking of you <3



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 04-03-2021, 03:06 PM   #2745
one_step_closer
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Thanks for your reply. I know I'm probably sending out signals to them that I'm fine because I'm not phoning but I don't know what to do about it. I don't think they'd pass me back to my CPN anyway they'd just tell me to keep phoning Duty. I don't even know what to say to them. I'm not dead or doing any serious self harm so I must be fine.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 06-03-2021, 03:31 PM   #2746
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I'm really struggling but even just thinking of phoning someone is making me panic. I feel very alone with everything and I'm scared about all the things that are happening with the men and the followers because something is seriously wrong. I don't know what to say anyway. I'm spouting my usual unimportant nonsense. No one can decide what I need if they're not in touch with me and don't know me well. My previous CPN is the only person who knows me well enough to give me direction, extra help, or say that I might need to be in hospital. Things are getting so much worse. Even if I was brave and phoned someone they just touch the edges and tell me to distract myself, both the Duty CPNs and the informal crisis team. I can't do life any more.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 07-03-2021, 12:56 PM   #2747
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How are you doing lindsay?



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 07-03-2021, 01:00 PM   #2748
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Nothing you say is unimportant, Lindsay.

Just wondering though - your previous CPN was a complete stranger once, how did you manage to trust her and let her get to know you?

I know it's hard but you might just have to take that same leap of faith with the other people who answer the phone.

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Old 07-03-2021, 02:08 PM   #2749
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Thank you both. It's easier to communicate and have a good professional relationship face to face. I just clicked with my previous CPN. I know most of the CPNs there and I've never felt comfortable with them. There are certain people I definitely can't talk to. Talking to people isn't the most difficult thing though, it's just trying not to panic and hang up the phone. I've done that with people I know I can talk to. It's easier to talk to someone who knows my background and doesn't just throw distractions at me which most of the people who don't know me well do. With the informal crisis team I seem to know no one any more which makes it harder. I need to sort myself out when it comes to making phone calls but to make people realise I really need help I'd have to be extra brave and phone regularly and I don't know if I can do that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 07-03-2021, 06:18 PM   #2750
Cacoethes
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I get that lindsay.

I can't remember if I've asked this before but is there a like a mental health hub where you can see someone face to face?
We have one here and it's a way to see the crisis team with no phone calls involved



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 07-03-2021, 06:21 PM   #2751
one_step_closer
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No, there's nothing like that here. The only way to access support is through a phone call. We only have a Duty psych who finishes at 5pm and an informal crisis team that finishes at 10pm. Both phone based. Emails and text messages aren't allowed.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 07-03-2021, 06:23 PM   #2752
Cacoethes
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That sucks.
Have you tried texting Shout for support?



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 07-03-2021, 06:25 PM   #2753
one_step_closer
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Yeah. They weren't helpful. I'm just going to have to suffer until I have some phone bravery and someone answers who I feel I can talk to.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 07-03-2021, 06:32 PM   #2754
Cacoethes
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Sorry to hear that.
I really wish I could do something to help
Keep trying to phone, even if you hang up until you get someone you can talk to



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 08-03-2021, 12:02 PM   #2755
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There are only 2 CPNs on Duty and 2 support workers on the informal crisis team. If I phone and hang up then try again it's usually the same person who picks up or I find that I can't talk to any of them. It's not fair on them for me to keep hanging up. I don't see a solution to anything. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm pushing away ideas, I just find a lot really difficult. The men and the followers are even louder today. I could do with talking to someone, I don't know if I'll have any phone bravery today. It's horrible when I do have phone bravery and then someone I really can't talk to answers the phone. It would be far easier if I still had my CPN. I don't understand why I was discharged and I've approached the CMHT about it via letter, my GP sending a re-referral, and my psych speaking to the senior charge nurse and nothing has come of it. Plus no one has been in contact with me to provide an explanation of why they're sticking with discharge despite all the contact made to them. I'll just have to suffer while everyone else thinks I'm fine because I'm not phoning.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 08-03-2021, 04:23 PM   #2756
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I phoned Duty and my previous, previous CPN answered. I hung up but then phoned again straight away. It was good to talk to someone who knows me. She said to keep phoning if things are continuing to get worse and they can talk to my psych. But I'm waiting until I have my Trazodone increased to see if that helps first. She acknowledged how distressing things are for me. She did mention distractions but not too much and not until we'd covered other things. She said everyone on Duty is there for me. I want to try and phone Duty regularly as if I was having an appointment but it's hard to talk to some of the people so there won't always be someone on who can help me. Plus I might not have any phone bravery to hand.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 08-03-2021, 04:28 PM   #2757
Cacoethes
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Very very well done for calling back lindsay
That must have taken great strength and I'm glad she was somewhat helpful



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 10-03-2021, 03:49 PM   #2758
one_step_closer
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Thank you.

The weather is wild. If it's still this bad the men will tell me to go out at night looking for the entrance to the other world. I don't like being cold but I'm not allowed to wrap up, I have to be wearing my PJs because it will be in the early hours of the morning. Maybe I should try and discuss this with someone and see if I can find a way not to do it but I don't know if I have any phone bravery today. I don't know what time Duty finishes for the day. The informal crisis team are 5pm-10pm but I don't know most of them now and they're not trained to the degree that the CPNs are, the informal crisis team is made up of support workers. I should just do what the men say anyway, I'm supposed to be obeying them for the protection of others. And if I can see the other world that would be amazing and maybe the end of my time on earth. It shouldn't be this confusing.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 11-03-2021, 03:29 PM   #2759
Cacoethes
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I think you should try and discuss it with someone.
How are you feeling about phones today?
Do the informal crisis team pass things on to the cmht if you call them?



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 11-03-2021, 06:25 PM   #2760
one_step_closer
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I did manage to phone Duty yesterday and my previous previous CPN answered so I was able to talk to her. She wants me to think of how if I go through with what the men are saying I could negatively affect someone in this world. She said to try and block out the weather with closing my blinds etc. Everyone thinks I'm able to keep myself safe and that I have insight into some things that will help me do this. I don't think I went out last night, I couldn't hear the weather from my bedroom and I slept for most of the night. I feel tortured by the men and upset that the followers are upset. There's nothing anyone can do.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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