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Old 16-03-2017, 08:26 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Contains sexual abuse - Mourning.

Three weeks ago a man who used to be my stepfather died. He just...shriveled up into an old man with dementia and died./4 He was my stepfather between the ages of 14 and 16. He was violent and angry in those times, but he never hit me, not once. It was everything around me he'd break. The curtains and blinds would be ripped from the windows, the television would be picked up and smashed to pieces. Furniture would be flipped over. It would chaotic destruction for half an hour or so and then he would leave, or he would wear himself out and stop. My mother and my younger sister would be called whores and be threatened with violence against them, but not touched. I was never acknowledged during these rages, but I admit I was afraid of him. I was weaker then.
It was his love that hurt. I won't go into details. It didn't go far enough for me to claim I was traumatized. I hated the man deeply for tearing apart my family through his affair with my mother. I hated him even more for attempting to seduce/molest my older sister while his affair with my mother was ongoing. When he began to wrap his arms around me, whisper in my ear those words, "I love you" and ask me lift up my shirt for him, I hated him the most and I could not understand him or his motives. He'd ask me to pray for him each time I went to church. I didn't let him touch me the way he wanted. I'd lie in bed beside him in the beginning, when he would ask, but not to let him touch me. I won't go into details, but I did not give him the things he wanted from me. I let myself gain weight and become unattractive to him. He stopped trying. I can't allow myself to type anymore how he affected me or my life..
So why do I mourn his death? I forgave him everything. I'm not a forgiving person, but I forgave him everything. He saved a life that mattered to me, so I lost hold of the idea I had held in my heart that he was pure evil. But why should forgiving him mean that I should mourn him now? When his son showed me the pictures of what he had become...a shriveled and weak old man with no idea of who he was or where he was anymore...I shouldn't have cared. But he wasn't evil. I don't know what he was. I suppose he was just a man.

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Old 30-03-2017, 03:19 PM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: East Sussex
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Death and abuse is such a confusing mixture. From talking to people at a CSA survivor group I go to, often it takes the passing of either the abuse or someone close in the family to start triggering them to have to deal with the abuse in their past.

Alternatively, I like you mourn the passing of an evil man who abused me. I think it's confusing because although this man was cruel and he did all these things to you and your family which has affected you emotionally and psychologically for the rest of your life, I'm sure you still have some good or even just neutral memories of him. Rarely is a person 100% awful... I'm sure people close to Hiltler would say he had many good qualities that were mourned for when he died.

Death is never as clean cut as you think it is, there's so much emotion that goes with it so it's very normal to feel both hatred and contempt for this man all the while feeling empathetic and forgiving.

Have you talked about your relationship with him and his death with a therapist or in a group environment?


Soon... Now will be then...Today will be yesterday... Present will be past...And thought will be memory... So...Live for the future! Make your future how you want it!

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Old 14-04-2017, 01:35 AM   #3
Panzer Lang
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: England

You are:

a) Consciousness


b) Body (brain).

The expression of consciousness through the brain produces:

c) Mind.

The mind suffers from glitches, kind of like the brain can confuse the consciousness. Don't sweat it, just accept it happens, shrug, put it in a mental box and move on. Focussing on it can't change any of what happened, it's a done deal. Focussing, or obsessing over it, does have the potential to cause you harm however. Don't let it. Box it, walk away.

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Old 18-04-2017, 04:01 AM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2004

Thank you both, on behalf of the person who posted this. She is grateful for your replies. I think she's getting on it with it. There's trauma there that is too difficult to post about, but she's okay.

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