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Old 03-04-2013, 06:56 AM   #1
beautiful_seclusion
 
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Can things be worked out with someone who was abusive?

Can they? I know people change, but can you get past the memories? Does the selfishness that caused them to be abusive ever really go away? I thought so at one point, people do horrible things and then change. But now I'm not so sure. I'm still angry about it, and I still see that person in him. And he gets better, but it never seems to fully go away from the way he is either. I feel so confused and alone... (No physical abuse btw, just everything besides it)



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Old 03-04-2013, 02:37 PM   #2
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Hi there,

To be honest I think it depends very much on the reasons they have become an abusive person and what kind of abuse it is we're talking about. It depends on the person.

Some people find it too hard to get past to be able to see the person behind the abuse.

Personally I know for a fact that my abusive ex will never change and he doesn't want to...so I can no longer look him in the eyes and see a human being; I just see a monster.

Try not to feel so alone - a lot of people have very confusing thoughts regarding abusive relationships. Is there anyone professional you can speak to about this?

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 04-04-2013, 05:00 AM   #3
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It was a lot of psychological, emotional, verbal abuse, and just not being respectful about my right to my own body (I don't know if its abuse but sex has always been very contentious). The verbal abuse still happens occasionally but it seems to be going away. I think the reasons for it was a lot of immaturity and growing up I think he was always given what he wanted and he learned to manipulate.

He does seem remorseful usually, but it's like I had to pound that into his head for years on top of a dramatic breakup that finally got him acting a little better when we got back together. I feel bad, like I'm holding onto the past, but at the same time I feel I did all the work to rescue the relationship and it bothers me that some of the verbal abuse is still there. And I haven't been able to completely forget all the pain from a few years ago, and I don't know if that'll change or not if he ever stops being hurtful completely. I also feel guilty that I am so harsh with him when he does start to manipulate at all, but it's because I know what happened when I was nice and caring to him.

We're married, and I just don't know how to get past all of this. I've tried so hard and I'm finally running out of my ability to care. It's just turning into resentment, and I know that's toxic. But there's just so much hurt and it's never been totally fixed.

I've been trying to get him to go to relationship counseling for years. He'll say he's gonna go and then it turns out to be a lie to shut me up. Or he'll go for a few sessions and then make up excuses not to. I personally don't have my own counselor anymore, as they've never been personally helpful for me. But I may have gotten bad ones as they were state funded, and I've considered going back. But at the same time I've felt they can make things worse so I'm torn...

Sorry for all my rambling and long reply. I really have no one to talk to about this because most our friends are mutual friends. And back when we broke up and I told people stuff, it caused drama, or they judged me, didn't believe me, or believed me but then I felt I was exaggerating, etc. I feel like I can't trust people to listen and not assume I hate him because of the bad things I describe. Its like they have to take a side for or against me instead of being objective and realizing stuff is complicated. It also makes me anxious to talk about it. So I really have just been holding it in the last several years.



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Old 07-04-2013, 04:23 PM   #4
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i think that if i were in your shoes, i probably wouldn't be able to forgive and forget enough to be able to save the relationship.

often we feel like if we've already put in a lot of time and effort it would be wasting it to give up on the task... but sometimes we've just got to see that it isn't going anywehre and the best thing to do is to pull out before giving more energy and resources to it...




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Old 10-04-2013, 10:23 PM   #5
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My GP was molested by her father and they now have a strong relationship. He admitted what he did and asked for her forgiveness and she forgave him. I think a lot of it just depends on the person.



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Old 17-04-2013, 12:59 AM   #6
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Yeah I think I could over time if he proves to me that he's remorseful and has changed. Just sometimes it's hard to figure out if he really is changed and I'm being over sensitive because of the past, or if he's just faking it and really could care less about me as a person.



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Old 26-04-2013, 11:57 PM   #7
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I have 2 brothers that emotionally abused me. One of them also molested me when I was about 5 I think it was.
That brother has since died and there was never a hint of interest in approaching him about what happened - most certainly not on my part. I hated him and always will. I never felt comfortable in his company as long as I can remember. When he died, I wasn't triumphant. It was very triggering. I recently told my parents I don't want to talk about him because he made me very unhappy as a child. I didn't go into detail with them. They deny any knowledge of the emotional abuse, but then this particular brother was very cruel, mean and scheming. He really got up under my skin. Shaking off his presence even after he was dead has proved difficult but I am getting there.
My father says that if my brother was alive, he would have got us together, made him apologise and that between the three of us, we would have sorted it out.
But really that is not what I would have wanted. I just hated him and didn't really ever want to make it up with him. He never showed any sign of remorse.
My other abusive brother, however, has been entirely different.
For years I hated him so much it wouldn't have bothered me if he had died either. But I did therapy about 10 years ago & I asked if we could talk. Before I could say a word, he apologised. For,me, that lifted a cloud. I was very relieved. He has been very helpful to me and I know he feels genuinely guilty for his part in what happened.
The most important thing he has done and continues to do for me, that no-one else in my family is capable of, is telling the truth and taking responsibility.
My experiences with these two brothers of mine (I have 4 brothers in total) has been very different. At opposite ends of the scale.
The validation I have gained from my brother's honesty and the reassurance he has given me that my recollection of events is correct is proving invaluable to me.
Ultimately only you know in your heart what feels right for you.
I was lucky that my brother responded so well.
If you do decide to speak with an abuser, then you need to be aware that they may not respond in the way you want. They might be wonderfully apologetic & supportive or they may not.
My parents wouldn't face facts. They shut the door in my face after initially promising to help. My father said "we will never know the truth of it".
But I have to say that my experience was very positive with my one brother. He faced the truth. For him it was actually a healing thing to do. It played a part in him quitting alcohol at a point it was likely to prematurely end his life.
So as you can see it can have mixed results.
Another thought I have is that sometimes, just making a statement of fact to an abuser, or someone who blatantly ignored abuse and didn't support you, is good in itself. Once you have made that statement it can feel incredibly liberating. It did in my case. At the same time it was stressful but I am glad I did it.
Hope u r ok & if you'd like to talk more I am very happy to listen & help if I can.

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