Okay, so I've wanted to talk about this thing for awhile. Long time, really. I didn't want to initially talk about it here because I thought it'd be instantly recognized by my therapist, but it seems clear even he doesn't know what it is. I try and come up with many different ways to describe it, but nothing seems to work. So I'm wondering if anybody else has something like this, or knows what it is?
Just before I SH, like a split second, or maybe a few seconds (it's hard to tell the time between the feeling and the action), I'll get a strange lightheaded-ness. But it's not just a lightheaded-ness. I don't even know if it's lightheaded-ness. All I know is this:
1. I'm not myself. All the me-ness goes away, and I'm left in almost 0 control of my own body. It's kind of like the inverse of a first-person video game. You are the character, and you see, touch, hear and smell everything, but someone else is pulling your strings and giving you the motivation to make the movements you're essentially watching yourself make.
2. It feels very similar to being very tired. Like 2 hours worth of sleep tired.
3. Before this happens, my anxiety level is already quite high.
4. Sometimes after this happens, in especially horrible cases, I'll have a headache.
I haven't SH'ed much in the past few months. I can count 3 times. But I got this even during those; even when I'm recovering. I've learned a couple days ago that it doesn't just happen before I SH, but also when I have really bad depression spells.