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Old 15-07-2016, 06:20 AM   #1
effervescence
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I'm Such a B*tch - Please Help

I was madly and passionately in love with someone who I should NOT have been in love with, for over two years, before I was strong enough and decent enough to break it off. We were both heartbroken. That was about 12 months ago now.

I am now with someone else and while he is great and will give me a future, I don't love him in that same passionate way I loved the other person.

I saw the other person unexpectedly the other day, I didn't know he was even in this area. It totally brought everything back and I'm thinking about him again more than I should be. It makes me doubt whether I love my current partner.

I don't have much relationship experience other than these two.

Is it ok to love people in different ways?
Is it ok to not have that passion but love someone in a more 'comfortable' way?
Does this mean I will never get over the first person?
I don't know what's wrong with me....I should NEVER have let that first person into my life and it makes me feel sick every time I think about it.



Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.

There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.


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Old 15-07-2016, 08:39 AM   #2
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It is totally okay to love people in different ways.



Men come and go, but dust accumulates.

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Old 15-07-2016, 07:19 PM   #3
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I think its fine to love people in different ways. And loving the person you are with now who you see a future with, i think its good to be a comfortable kind of love. me and my long term boyfriend i would describe the same, comfortable love, which is good because we are also best friends and that makes it a whole lot easier living with someone and enjoying the same things together.
its also okay in my eyes to love many people.
can you talk to your bf about your feelings? just to kind of get it out of you and share feelings and thoughts with each other

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Old 22-07-2016, 07:01 AM   #4
effervescence
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Thank you for your replies.

I don't think I can talk to my boyfriend about this, despite the fact that we do communicate quite well on other things. He is so sure about me and is ready for full commitment, marriage etc. He loves me completely and I know that bringing up any kind of doubt/question from my side would totally crush him, and I don't want to do that.



Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.

There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.


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Old 23-07-2016, 05:03 PM   #5
Juella
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Honey, I totally understand not wanting to hurt your current significant other. But I firmly believe honesty is the best policy, especially since your boyfriend seems to see you as his potential lifelong partner. Talking about your feelings might be difficult sometimes, but it can prevent worse things, that will be even more painful for both of you. Trust me, it would be better for him if you tell him everything, than if you don't and he'll remain clueless about what's wrong until he eventually finds out himself. You're not a bad person for having feelings for someone else. We can't control what we feel, only what we do, and you haven't done anything bad, so there's no reason for you to feel guilty.

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Old 23-07-2016, 07:29 PM   #6
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Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship if it wasn't mad passionate love. I've been in a relationship where it was more for convenience and it just didn't work at all, not from the very beginning. If it's not all consuming I just don't see the point (but then I do have BPD so, you know, I may be wrong*)

*I'm not

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Old 26-07-2016, 11:39 PM   #7
effervescence
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I don't know whether I don't feel that passion because it's not there, or because my depression is preventing me from feeling anything that strong.



Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.

There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.


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Old 27-07-2016, 03:21 AM   #8
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It's very okay to love different people differently, you'll never love 2 people the exact same way.

Passion is important in keeping flames alive, but if you're both comfortable and in love, that's a type of passion all on its own.


I can't say whether you'll get over the first man completely or not. I've been in love with a woman I haven't been with in 2 years. this friday would have been our 5th anniversary, and it'll also be the 2 year anniversary of the day we broke up. I feel that she'll always have a piece of me with her, but that's not a bad thing either.

"First love does not mean best love and best friends does not always mean best friends forever, but they both mean that at somepoint, somewhere, someone did care" - It's just a quote from some garage band no ones ever heard of... But maybe it'll give you hope in the same way it did me.



I know you've already said you don't want to talk to your boyfriend about it because you don't want to hurt him - However, I think you should anyway... I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying if I were him, I'd want to know. But he's not me, so it could be completely different for him, you know best what he would want.


I hope something I've said here can help your situation at least a little bit. I wish you the best of luck with this!





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Old 28-07-2016, 04:25 AM   #9
effervescence
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Thank you for your reply.

Relationships are so hard...I don't know how we are supposed to be able to make such huge decisions based on who we happen to meet in our lives.

I know he's not my soul mate, because I've already met and ended it with my soul mate. But I'm getting old, and I want marriage and children, I can't wait forever.



Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.

There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.


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Old 28-07-2016, 05:53 AM   #10
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Relationships are indeed hard.

I'm not fully understanding you though, what decision are you speaking of?

I personally do believe in true love, but I don't believe in soul mates, so I can't make much of a comment on that part - However, wouldn't it be possible for a second soul mate? I find very few things in life are 1 shot win or lose deals. There's at least a second chance, if not more, for nearly anything. Where there's a hope, there's a way.





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Old 28-07-2016, 11:21 AM   #11
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relationships are complicated, and feelings are cionfusing. I honestly do belivee that there are sdeveral types of love. With my more recent ex if I compare to my current partner, my current is more comfortable and consistent, my ex was a more passionate feeling. This concerned me for a long time, I was worried that as it wasnt exactly the same feeling it wasnt love, but I've come to realise thateach feelin/emotion has a spectrum and iot doesnt matter where the feeling lays on that its still the same emotion

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Old 29-07-2016, 12:47 AM   #12
effervescence
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The decision of whether to stay with him. Go ahead and marry him. "Lock myself in" as such.



Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.

There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.


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Old 29-07-2016, 05:33 AM   #13
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Ah. Yes those kinds of decisions can be weird. We meet random people, and things can go 5 million different directions within one sentence. I try to look at it as an amazing occurance instead of a hard decision. I personally can't advise on if you should stay with him and/or marry him; that all depends on what you feel inside.





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