It appears to be "Too Late" for me

Straight 3 · 08-02-2019, 03:05 AM

There just isn't any help for me; nothing they can do to make things any better. Nothing more I can do that I've not already tried. I go to therapy and am on medications. I try to utilize self help techniques, but most of the time lately I end up making things even worse for myself.

I feel hopeless now and see no reason to keep up this pointless fight, things won't change, in fact, they could get (much) worse for me.

It just too late and my time is up. I want to just die but don't have the courage to take myself out. Taking into account my past attempts I shouldn't be here, but my body withstood the abuse and here I am still suffering with no ways to cope or even the desire anymore. Part of me wants to drink myself to death for good this time added to various methods to make sure I cant survive.

Its so sad for me and I feel sadness because I would've liked to turn things around for myself. I didn't even expect much and would've settled for even 1/2 of what I consider a functioning existence. But no matter how much I tried and it would've never happened.

I know I should be dead and just because I'm wasting space. My life doesn't matter to anybody but me and I've lost hope.

Straight 3 · 08-02-2019, 03:19 AM

I realize I keep saying pretty much the same things over and over, but that is because the story never changes.

They just want to throw me in the hospital over and over like a revolving door only to release me to no aftercare.

Sometimes I want to say its better to be safe but why?!?!

Its would've come down to acceptance and I doubt I would've ever fully accepted this set of circumstances I'm faced with.

Nobody had even pretended to have answers for me. I'm poor and the desire is not there to help a middle aged (+) man and waste resources with no hope of actually turning me into a functional member of society.

I really don't want to be hospitalized again honestly. It doesn't help.

Juella · 09-02-2019, 10:10 AM

I'm sorry that no one has got any answers for you so far, and I'm sorry that I don't have any either. I just wanter to say that I can relate to the way you feel and I'm sorry things are so hard. I know it sucks to feel like your life is reduced to just getting through one day after another with nothing really to get to in the end, especially where you remember that life hasn't always been this way, but you just can go back to what it was like. I'm sorry hospitalization and professionals don't help much, that sucks.

Would you mind sharing exactly do you find unacceptable about your life circumstances?

Maybe, just maybe there is some way to change your life back to what actually feels like a life. There's always hope. (feel free to imagine smacking me on the hand for my empty words).

Straight 3 · 10-02-2019, 03:06 AM

Thank you Juella for your reply. I'll give some thought so what you wrote, and they weren't empty words at all.

I hope you start to feel better yourself, I realize you're also struggling right now and I wish I could say something to help you.

Maybe we should just accept (for now) that we take things day-by-day because overthinking and looking too far ahead brings us pain. We should go easy on ourselves at least right now; and as you said, there's always hope things could improve even a little. I would settle for a little, I don't expect unrealistic miracles that don't happen. That is a setup for failure and disappointment.

Buttons. · 10-02-2019, 01:42 PM

Sorry no helpful answers right now, but I've read and I care.

Straight 3 · 10-02-2019, 05:26 PM

Thank you Buttons; I appreciate it.

one_step_closer · 11-02-2019, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Straight 3

Maybe we should just accept (for now) that we take things day-by-day because overthinking and looking too far ahead brings us pain. We should go easy on ourselves at least right now; and as you said, there's always hope things could improve even a little. I would settle for a little, I don't expect unrealistic miracles that don't happen. That is a setup for failure and disappointment.

You have some wise words for yourself there. Do you feel able to be gentle with yourself and take those words on board? What would little improvements look like to you?

Straight 3 · 11-02-2019, 11:53 PM

I'm far from gentle on myself - very hard on myself actually even though I know I deserve better I guess. I feel I'm a wast of space now and take away resources from younger folks that have their whole lives ahead of them. Me, its too late sad to say. Beyond help actually.

I would settle for being able to go for a walk though without carrying along everything I'm dealing with, but NO...for some reason I take everything upon my shoulders and can't leave it behind and let it go even with distractions. I know it won't all suddenly turn 180 degrees, rather it always seems to turn 360 and I'm left spinning and heading in the same direction downhill spiral. Doctors tell me I'm a difficult case and they don't know what to do with me and I'm a-typical in nature. That only makes me feel worse. Meds aren't working and I can't afford the higher priced ones that *may* work better.

Going in the hospital over and over only procures more and more bills and does nothing to help me. They don't even know what to do with me inpatient regrettably. I'm getting worse actually and my therapist said he is a bit concerned and he things I need to AGAIN!

I say it appears to be too late, it in fact IS too late actually.

I'll try though to be more gentle and thanks for replying. Means a lot .

Straight 3 · 12-02-2019, 01:57 AM

Be that as is may (too late) I wish I could find a way to salvage what I do have left of this existence. I just spend so much time and worry about everything I've lost and what I can't get back.

one_step_closer · 12-02-2019, 08:40 PM

Sorry I don't have a proper focused reply to everything you've said. I can relate to dwelling on lost things, it's hard to let go. What do you feel you have left that is positive that you could maybe build on? Is there a way to fully acknowledge what you have lost and try to put it down for a little while at least, maybe through writing? Are there things that you have lost that you could regain in some form if not completely? Sorry about all the questions.