I did call her today and she was brilliant as usual. It helped a tiny bit just to be able to let someone know how **** I feel. She had already called the cmht here for an update and they just said they'll be in touch with her but she's going to call them again and try to speed things up. And I'm seeing her on Wednesday (luckily I haven't really moved that far!) So at the moment I guess I'm just trying to focus on getting through until then.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Hey ninja Jenna! Thanks, no news from the job but they're just waiting on references I think so hopefully it won't be too long.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Well done with calling her Hannah, I'm so glad you managed to. I hope you find it helpful seeing her tomorrow, it's just tomorrow now, one day to get through. If there's anything I can do to help please let me know. I hope today is ok for you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CC got the duty worker from the CMHT here to call me yesterday. It wasn't very helpful, she just checked I wasn't actually planning to hurt myself and talked **** at me for 10 minutes. She did say that I can call them if I need to in the meantime and speak to duty as I've not been allocated a CC yet. I got the impression that I might be waiting a while. Saw CC today and she was lovely. It helped a tiny bit. She's going to call them again and try to hurry things up and if nothing happens then one of the managers is going to call. But if there isn't anyone available then there just isn't I guess.
I feel awful. I'm not working much this week, one of my shifts got cancelled, which in a way is good because I just can't but I don't feel any better doing less. I'm still waiting for things to happen with the new job, and I'm really worried it won't work out for some reason (I don't even know why that would happen).
Trying to do helpful things and not just mope. Could quite happily just stay in bed and never get out again.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I'm not sure if that would help or not. I can't find anywhere to be or anything to do at the moment that feels bearable.
I cope so much better than I used to. A few years back I wouldn't have been managing all the 'normal' life stuff that I am at the moment. And I know that's a good thing. But it doesn't *feel* any better. it doesn't feel any more bearable. I can't stand this. I have bad days and feel stressed and overwhelmed and I forget that that isn't what the bad times are really like. This is so much worse. It isn't as bad as it could be. But I can't keep doing it. I hate this.
Trying to break things down into small chunks of time. Trying to ignore the fact that after that time passes it won't actually get any easier. Trying to get through the weekend.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Hannah, I'm sorry so much is hurting in your life right now. I know how hard it is to just bear things and seem like you don't get a break. It's not definite that as time passes things won't get better, it just takes a while sometimes. Have you planned anything for this week coming when you won't be at work? Is there someone you can have a chat with if you need to, maybe your CC again? Take care.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Star change bloody sucks in all its manners but reading this I can see how far you have come lots of love xox
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
Thanks cam, that really means a lot! It really doesn't feel like that at the moment though!
I'm really, really struggling. Struggling at work, struggling when I'm not at work and have time to fill. It's getting increasingly difficult just to get by. I feel like I can't do this. I am so low. It feels horribly unbearable. 3am this morning I found myself pacing the kitchen contemplating stabbing myself with a knife that was lying on the counter. Obviously I didn't and I'm sure I wouldn't. But it's so horrible. And I couldn't say that to anyone because it's so ridiculous and dramatic and I don't want to be that person. But I'm scared that I'm going to end up in crisis, that I'm going to hurt myself (and I so don't want to, it's been SUCH a long time) or that the panic and fear will take over and I won't be able to cling on to my sanity.
I really need something to happen. I need some in person support and I really need my meds reviewed. I'm scared that nothing will help and it will always be like this. But I'm trying to hold on to the belief that past experience shows that isn't true.
But I have no idea when or if anything will be put in place. Old cc is supposed to be calling me on Friday and maybe it will help a tiny bit to be able to talk to her but it won't really make things any easier and I don't think I can keep going feeling like this.
I'm sorry to keep rambling here.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I'm sorry you're having such an awful time. Is there a way you could let your CC know when she phones tomorrow just how difficult things are and how you really feel like you need support quickly to avoid things getting worse? There might even be some kind of voluntary organisation who can offer you something until the CMHT sort out getting you a new CC.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Ifound it really hard to say much to CC this morning but I think she did understand that things aren't good. She chased things up with the CMHT here and apparently I have been allocated to someone and he'll contact me,but I have no idea when. I could call but I'd feel bad. And I can't remember his name. I know I could just explain that but I don't think I could phone. Seeing GP on Monday but it's just for my prescription because they haven't put it on repeat yet. I don't think it will actually be any help. I just have to keep going somehow. She told me to take time off work but I can't, I'd feel too bad cancelling shifts I've agred to. And I'm scared things would be worse if I didn't go to work. It's hard though.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Ifound it really hard to say much to CC this morning but I think she did understand that things aren't good. She chased things up with the CMHT here and apparently I have been allocated to someone and he'll contact me,but I have no idea when. I could call but I'd feel bad. And I can't remember his name. I know I could just explain that but I don't think I could phone. Seeing GP on Monday but it's just for my prescription because they haven't put it on repeat yet. I don't think it will actually be any help. I just have to keep going somehow. She told me to take time off work but I can't, I'd feel too bad cancelling shifts I've agred to. And I'm scared things would be worse if I didn't go to work. It's hard though.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Can you try and mention some things to your GP, not just talk about getting your prescription? I think it would be a good idea since you're having that contact anyway. You are doing great even though things are hurting so much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It was okay with the GP, she was really nice. There really isn't anything she can do though. She called the CMHT as well and they just told her that I can call and speak to the duty worker if I need to until I get an appointment. I have no idea how long that might be. GP and old CC have both told me to start calling duty or go down there (apparently you can do that) because basically, if I make a nuisance of myself it's likely to make things happen faster. But I really, really don't feel able to do that. GP read out bits of the letter the CMHT sent them when they originally turned down the referral (I don't think she actually meant to, she just did while she was reading it!) They said there's no indication of any need for secondary care. It's really obvious that that is still what they think and they've just been pushed into it. I feel bad. I really, honestly don't want to use up resources that I shouldn't be.
I feel awful though. Really awful. I don't know the last time I felt this low. I really don't know how to keep going. But presumably I will. Because I do. I just wish everything would stop.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I'm glad the GP and your old CC have been nice. I know you'll find it really difficult to call the duty team, but that is also a good idea and I hope you can at least consider it? As well as to make things faster, it might help with the "no indication of any need for secondary care" thing, as they'll have the need spelled out to them by your distressed phone calls!
You will get through this. Can you think of anything that might help right now? Are you parents aware at all of how you're feeling?
I don't know. I just really don't feel able to. It's so, so clear that they don't want to see me, and while I can understand why they think I'm not unwell enough this time, they wouldn't see me before either when I was clearly really unwell. And they asked my GP to monitor my meds in spite of knowing full well that they wouldn't. So I don't get it. And it feels horrible. So I don't feel able to call. Old CC called yesterday to see if I'd heard from them and was seriously unimpressed that I haven't, so she's going to call and chase it up again on Monday. But honestly at this point I'm dreading what it will be like when I do see them. I'm pretty sure that they'll want me to come off lithium, instead of trying to get it back to the right level, so that I can be discharged.
I haven't really said anything to my parents but I think it's fairly obvious I'm not feeling great. I had a 'discussion' with my mum the other day about why I find living at home so difficult (largely my dad's drinking) and the fact that I'm really angry with her that when I was growing up she never talked to me about it except to make nasty comments when they were arguing. Which is all true, but I feel terrible as there really isn't any need to make her feel bad as well. I'm horrible.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
