Five years ago, in august, i lost a really good friend to suicide. She was a huge light in my world that can become quite Dark at times. Like you, i felt anger, guilt and sadness. I felt like i had failed her. And that the system had failed her. I still feel like that at times so it isn't something that just passes and then never returns.
What sort of helped me, was the very profound feeling i had that she would not want me, or others, to follow her. To do the same. I knew her for long enough to know that she suffered immensely at times. And when she did, the entire world went Dark for her.
Sometimes you end up in a place where you truly believe that suicide is the better option for yourself as Well as those around you. And sometimes people make a decision during those times and follow their decision. At that point it is quite hard to help them. My friend made the decision long before she killed herself. I knew that. In my hopeless optimism i had just hoped that she would find something worth Living for and change her mind.
Sleepless, don't let this feeling of anger and guilt eat you up. That is definetely not what your friends wanted. Maybe there is a reason why you are still here. Maybe itís just coincidence. But you are here now, and you still have a chance to change your life and to change the lives of those around you. And that is in itself an ecouraging thought, i think.
The grief changes. It never goes away. But that does not mean it has to fill the void they left inside you. There is room and space for good things too. I Think that's what your friends would want for you.