Contains sexual abuse - I made a new disclosure

[Uglyducklin]

Hi I'm sorry to post again. I just left a session with eating disorders nurse I ended up disclosing something I had shoved it at the back of my mind. It is fragmented and not whole. I feel even more vile than before. I'm afraid I will not keep safe over the weekend. What if I recalled it wrong ? I am a fat bad monster what if I can't disappear ! What if the fat stays and with it what happened ? Sorry I don't know what I want from this thread. Thank you for reading

[Sooty]

Hello.

It sounds like you've taken a massive step with your latest disclosure and you should be really proud of yourself for taking this step. Do you think you will be able to talk this through with your nurse in subsequent sessions? I think it would do you a world of good to work through the stuff that you've pushed to the back of your mind for so long in order for you to have a way of moving forward. Stay strong.

Sophie.x

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you my next session is not for a week. I am seeing my GP Friday and have family therapy Thursday but I can't bring it up then. I feel such a fat monster. I'm drowning and scared to say how much it hurts I was totally numb for a few weeks and now I'm feeling again I'm buckling under the weight of it . I am angry with myself for being unable to stand on my on two feet. I wish I could disappear. I feel so impossibly violated.

[Uglyducklin]

I am feeling utterly dehumanised and so fat. I don't know how to cope I'm trying to distract but working but the images are so intrusive nothing feels real and I have no concentration. I just want to destroy myself again I'm too big and so ashamed of these urges. I'm so sorry.

[Uglyducklin]

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be in this fat body. No amount of grounding is working I'm having urges and my head is just full of images that are more consuming than distracting. I feel so hopeless right now. I can't deal with what happened ! I feel so pathetic .

[bjm5225]

your dealing with and have gone through so much and i'm sorry that who is cleary a remarkably kind human being (as i see your support to others in threads) has to feel so bad about themselves but i can totally relate

its easy to be rational about these kind of heavy issues, such as mental health and particularly in my mind abuse, when your thinking of someone else but when it comes to oneself i totally know how it is not the same kind of thinking at all

i wish i had some quick advice i could give you right now that would help but if you ever want to talk to me please do and either way i just want to say that your in my thoughts and i really hope you can get the help you need or even just find some kind of relief

i hope you can find even the smallest bit of hope to make it easier

or find something funny enough just to let go for a second and laugh :)

take care

x

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you bjm I can't believe I just saw this thank you for your kind words I truly don't deserve them. Your offer is more kindness than I deserve. I am now in a situation where I have to do some family work and it has the potential to destroy my relationship with my mum and I'm so afraid. I have nobody in my life that cares other than my mum I find being honest other than on here about how I'm feeling hard. Nothing is stable I'm fighting to stay grounded and I have work to do which I have to finish before I cave in. I don't know what to do can't even articulate what is happening to the professionals in my life and I am so numb again. Sorry this makes no sense x

[Uglyducklin]

I am so sorry to post again . I'm drowning in fear and confusion and I feel totally suffocated by the fat on my body. I have had a very chaotic week moving house and everything is a mess. I'm terrified of losing my mum over this disclosure and I feel so destructive . I'm scared to say how little I'm coping I don't know what to do . I feel I need more support but I don't deserve it . Sorry I'm so afraid xx