Triggering (SI/OD) - I cant do this

[deadstar]

They said i cant go on holiday if i had to get stitches again
I would just leave it but i have to go back to A&E tomorrow to get these ****ing stitches out. they'll stitch it. ****.
I told my therapist i would try. i tried, i think?
Yeah im doing so well. not OD'd in over 4 weeks. acheivement? bugger off. i'm pathetic. i deserve it.
I cant stop, i dont want to stop i just want it to be how it used to be. no one knowing. no one trying to make me 'better'. please just leave me alone.

[shadow-light]

You DON’T deserve it!!! None of it, no matter how much you may feel that you do… no one deserves to hurt and no-one deserves to be damaged.
I can understand how you feel about wishing you were back in the situation of no one knowing and no one trying to “help”… but try to remember how hard that was… having to hide all the time and being forever terrified of someone finding out…
I know it won’t help much… but these people are only trying to help you as they care… they may be going about it in an infuriating way but that’s just beause they don’t understand or know how to react

I know I’ve probably not been much help here, just wanted to reply to say I kind of understand and to tell you to please hang on and keep trying