*suicide I am giving up

[Pomegranate]

I'm sorry that happened to you. Did you call your support worker?

[Crysainta]

Call your support worker. Stay and talk to people on this thread. Sometimes you have to use every last resource available to you in order to survive.

[bitomato]

Thanks. I didn't get through to my support worker. When the police finally turned up I didn't tell them I was assaulted. I was in a lot of pain by the time I got home so I left messages for friends in case they thought I was ODing on purpose. Fortunately nothing I took for pain interacted with my usual rx.
I got lectured for not "doing" Christmas with family in its entirety and turning off my phone in my "down" time. But at the end of the day if I get twisted in knots pleasing others I cannot really be enough for myself.
Support worker coming today....but thinking of trying to go it alone for next year.

[bitomato]

So that guy I call my abuser who basically tried to sexually assualt me in my own house just called.
I keep thinking they are outside.
I want to fall on the ground and cry with fear.
I feel nauseous

[bitomato]

So I wrote on the wrong thread....I guess I am actively hypomanic and suicidal. I got an opportunity to follow my dream and my family are being shits about it and I am not coping.
I am ready to put myself in really risky situations to get away from them, and tell my job and my family to go $#% themselves.
I am so set up to fail right now but I cannot stand one more moment in this trap that I call my life.

[bitomato]

Migraine at the moment. Soooo 3 jobs including dealing with losing an opportunity to go back to school.
I am feeling like I am having a stroke from all of the stress- which is confirmed messes with my cognition.
Tomorrow gonna be put under the bright lights more.
Wanna bail..........................................

[Pi.R^2]

Oh gosh, seems like things are really stressful at the moment, what's going on- what's this opportunity you're talking about?

And how did it go with your support worker?

[bitomato]

I know this thread is a bit earlier in the year. But the thoughts are getting a bit intrusive. I just went through a cycle- from hypomania and no sleep back to depression- with the suicidal thoughts just really getting bad.

I keep feeling like I cannot switch off the memories of mistakes I have made and how much I don't deserve the good things that are happening right now. Also, I am in sooooo much physical pain it is really getting unbearable, but I don't know who to tell.

I am trying to tell myself I need to give myself a break.....but nothing feels hopeful

[Juella]

Hey, I'm really sorry you're still struggling so much. I understand that dealing with intrusive thoughts must be really hard on you. At this moment do you have anyone you could talk to about your intrusive thoughts, professional or otherwise?
I can relate to not letting yourself feel happy because you keep having memories of your past mistakes. But please believe me - no matter what you've done in the past, you deserve happiness. Everyone does, and you too. You are a unique, lovely human being and you deserve all the care and all the good things. And you deserve to get better, so getting in touch with your GP at least about your physical symptoms might be a good start.

[bitomato]

At the moment, no. I mean I could present to the ER. There is a special mental health team there. But I am also worried about letting people down. I already touched on my fear of getting sectioned with my new doc.

I think a lot of it is generally feeling overwhelmed with advice- wanting to take it even when I know it won't work for me. I have been trying hard- too hard- to reach out to friends to be social. I am also worried that I am writing too much on RYL because in supporting others I kind of wish the karma would bounce back but I already know it doesn't work like that.

This is a part of my journey I hate- when I get so depressed that I can barely tolerate the little things- but bigger things are expected of me.

[Pi.R^2]

Who do you worry that you are letting down? No one should feel let down by you being sensible and asking for help when you need it.

If you feel like you're getting overwhelmed with advice, maybe you could write a list of all the advice you've been given and start to sort it into "definitely won't help", "probably won't help" and "might be helpful" and take it from there? I don't think anyone would begrudge you not taking their advice if you explained that you were grateful but that that simply doesn't work for you.

I hope this depression starts to lift soon.

[bitomato]

Thanks. It was my new therapist. I know in the past that I would call a lot of people for support and try to do what everyone suggested even when it didn't work for me or directly conflicted with another piece of advice.

I keep feeling afraid that my therapist will make me get a different therapist because I am not doing well. I didn't expect to fall apart. I will try the checklist if I can

[Pi.R^2]

Could you speak to your therapist about your concerns about potentially being made to get a new therapist? Hopefully they will be able to reassure you.

[bitomato]

Thanks. No, as I wasn't given much notice of the change.
I did get one additional session overlapping to say "goodbye" or terminate. But I am already being seen by someone else. So far it has been a roller coaster as they have been late, distracted and a bit weird.

However, I am afraid that because I messaged my new therapy team about my crisis symptoms over the last few days that they will hold it against me. I ended up have to get support from someone I knew informally by disclosing. But I guess I didn't want to go to the ER.

Otherwise, now I am coming down into depression again, very triggered and very afraid to trust.

[Pi.R^2]

Oh, I'm sorry that you did end up having to change. Are you willing to give this new therapist a bit of time to see if they seem less distracted etc once you get to know them?

What do you mean by them potentially holding it against you? I can imagine they won't just ignore the fact that you are experiencing crisis symptoms but it shouldn't be used against you in a judgemental or critical way.

I'm sorry you're feeling really triggered and unable to trust. I know it can take time to build trust, especially when you've been let down before. Do you have any coping strategies that help when you're feeling triggered?

[mk_boyd]

stay strong, push forward, be resilient. I wish I had words to help take away some of your pain, but I know that may not be possible. i'm sorry you're having such a tough time:(
remember how loved you are!

[one_step_closer]

Sorry you're feeling so bad, I have no helpful words but please know that I am thinking about you and that I care. I really, truly hope that things ease for you soon.

[bitomato]

Sometimes it is amazing to see how far one has come. The past few months have been rough and for the first time in years/ decades even I've had days of not being motivated to get up and bathe.
I have a lot of homework to do, but my goal for today is not to fall asleep during the day, no matter how tired I feel.
Right now my intrusive thoughts are getting out of hand.
I am using Discordia alot but sometimes I feel like I am just wasting people's time. I got put on a painkiller and I am getting urges...
Why won't these urges to end it ever go away.

[Pi.R^2]

That sounds like a good goal, how did you get on?

Do you want to talk about the intrusive thoughts?

I don't think you are wasting anyone's time, you don't need to worry about that. People want to help.