dreams... (possibly triggering?)

IdleButDeadly · 21-10-2010, 06:17 PM

Completely off topic first; how come the only label that comes up for me now is "positive recovery post"? Seems odd...

Anyway... I had a dream last night where I got in a big stupid fight with my boyfriend and ended up cutting a LOT. I have three bracelets from RYL that I wear every day, and in the dream I remember I cut a lot right where I wear them so they would cover it. I remember thinking of the irony in it.

It felt so real... the feeling of searching for something to cut with, the pain and enjoyment at the same time, even the little "high" I get afterward felt so real...

I thought I was having some trouble with it the past few weeks, every so often popping into my head. Now I am having more trouble resisting the urge.

Oh great, and now to top it off my sister just stopped by and completely insulted me and rambled on about something in a negative way that I feel very strongly about, and I just wanted to scream at her that she's being ignorant and a hypocrite because it wasn't that long ago she was telling me to think before I speak so I don't insult others, and here she was, CLEARLY insulting me and not giving a DAMN she was doing it!

I'm at work, and just wana go home. It's not my usual day to work, but I'm here because my schedule is changed so that I don't work tomorrow instead... I just wana go home and crawl into bed :(

Butterfly1995 · 22-10-2010, 08:50 AM

I've had dreams like that before. But for me it's kinda weird - after the dream I don't get an urge to cut for at least 2-3 days.
I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment. How many days have you been SH free? Try focusing on that. PM me anytime if you want to talk.

IdleButDeadly · 23-10-2010, 02:10 AM

Thank you for the reply and kind words.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Still getting urges and thoughts more than usual, but it's not as strong often as it was right after the dream. I ended up going home from work after a coworker made a silly comment that sent me into tears.

I've been... 3 - 4 months free now. I stopped keeping exact track, so am not completely sure on how long.

Butterfly1995 · 23-10-2010, 08:10 AM

Glad you're feeling better. 3 -4 months is amazing, keep up the good work :)

TheOriginalPoser · 27-10-2010, 02:35 AM

3-4 months, eh? Butterfly is right, that's awesome, keep it goin! And if you're feelin' bad, I recommend listening to music you can relate to. You know, the type that's the real you, not the sad you. Works wonders for me...

IdleButDeadly · 27-10-2010, 05:04 AM

The urges have been coming and going a lot lately. My boyfriend is on afternoons, so I'm stuck being home alone from the time I get home from work until about 2am.

It's like a physical aching in my arms. I hate it, the only thing that's really keeping me from doing it is how much it hurts my boyfriend when I do.

Music use to help me, but these days it doesn't seem to. I'm not sure really what feels like "me" anymore.