Just needing to share where I'm at

WhiteTigerInAlabama · 17-12-2018, 06:10 PM

Hello all,

I thought I would give a little of my self harm history and struggles I am dealing with today. I have been a cutter for 20 years. During this time, I told my parents (years ago when still a young adult, I am 37 now), have learned to not feel ashamed of my scars and for the last 10 years give or take, I wear clothes that reveal my extremely scar covered arms and other areas of my body (though sometimes this still makes me feel uncomfortable around certain people), and I have had a couple of extended stents of abstinence (which for me is anything over a year). My longest time going without self harming was 2 years (August 2015-December 2017). I had a couple of setbacks last December and again in January, but have picked myself up and started trying again and currently have 11 months free from cutting.

My dilemma is I never seem to be able to get the urges and thoughts fully arrested, as I am struggling again with thoughts and urges to inflict harm to myself. I am in recovery for other issues as well, mainly substance addiction, and have 3 years clean from drugs including alcohol and I find that even though a fleeting thought comes here and there for using, it doesn't stay with me or make me have extreme urges to get high. In essence, I have my drug addiction arrested for now. I don't have the same feeling when it comes to the razor. I still yearn and obsess all the time about cutting and a huge part of me still enjoys and wants to cut. I can's seem to let go and move beyond my reservations surrounding self harming behaviors. I try using art, poetry, other healthy distractions, but I always come back to wanting to cut and I don't know what I'm looking for from you guys, I have a pretty good awareness of what it should take for me to move beyond this and how to cope, my issue is a part of me doesn't want to let go of this coping mechanism. I want to learn how to want to stop.

White Tiger

Icecube. Swirls · 21-12-2018, 03:43 PM

First of all well done for being 11 months free of cutting.
That's good that you are trying to use healthy distractions. Do you tend to use the same coping mechanism a lot because it could be that you need a new healthy coping mechanism. What I find helpful is writing a big list of healthy distractions and every so often I change what mechanism I use when I feel like sh ; I find that if I use the same ones over and over again they are not as effective from when I first started using that particular mechanism.

WhiteTigerInAlabama · 27-12-2018, 11:33 PM

Thanks for the suggestion Icecube. I guess I can be redundant in my coping mechanisms. When it comes to cutting, it seems to be the only vice I struggle to give up completely as I have drastically changed my life over the past 3 years: Got clean from all substances, quit smoking, joined a gym, started eating healthy. I just don't feel like surrendering my cutting yet it seems, but I want to have the desire to stop. I'm still fighting the urge, but its getting dangerously close. But I'm gonna keep trying!! Thanks again for your encouragement, perhaps I will give this a try!

MyLastKiss · 23-01-2019, 10:57 PM

Dear, I really want to discuss this. But, will you stay here for a while. If not, maybe I'll pass.
Whatever, take care