I'm sorry, I'm just really struggling.

Cryptic. · 07-04-2012, 09:13 PM

I'm feeling vulnerable as I type this, but I am struggling.

I've recently been hospitalized&had a skin graft done, it's this whole ordeal,

The following content has been hidden - Reason : the ordeal, for anyone who wants to know/hasn't read about it from my rants if you read them etc etc, if not, just skip it!

So, it's been a week since then,
I'm currently at home,
& had an appt today about my graft&donor site[that's what they call it, weird isn't it?]
I'm still under strict instructions from the specialist hospital,
but...
I am so desperate to self harm again.
I just, I don't know, I just want to selfharm so, so, so freaking badly, so much.
I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.
I don't know what to do here.
At all.
Kinda scared of myself to be honest.

I can't freaking help having these urges&compulsions.
I wish to god I didn't. I really do.
It's, it's overwhelming...

But... I can't will it all away.
I can't wish it away.
I wish I could.
I wish 11:11 meant wishes came true,
for real.
But fairytales don't exist,
here we all are stuck in the reality of that which is our lives.
[Which some may say are ohsowonderful because we have a roof over our heads, but I firmly believe that there are all kinds of different suffering, not just the kind that kids in Africa are inflicted with.
& sometimes mental/emotional illnesses/suffering can be just as bad.
&medical illnesses/suffering also, which can go hand in hand with mental/emotional suffering, too.]

Anyway. Sorry for that ramble.
I ramble a lot when I'm anxious or nervous about posting.
Sorry.

I'm not sure what I want from this post, maybe support, any advice at all, I don't know.

All I know is... I'm really finding it difficult right now.

I thank anyone, anyone who replies, hugs, etc.
I know it takes up time to do so, and I appreciate the time taken, I do.

Take care&stay safe everyone,

thank you for reading.
x

Tig · 07-04-2012, 09:48 PM

Hi Sar,

I don't know how great my reply will be but I wanted to reply and try my best at least!

Well done for posting. I know it must have taken you a lot of courage but you deserve the support and you are entitled to the support, same as anybody else on this site. Hopefully by posting you will get some fresh ideas from different people about what might be helpful for you at what is an incredibly difficult time <3

I think it's disgusting in all honesty that you have been sent home with no further support from the mental health team. It sounds like the specialist hospital were fantastic and it's a shame that mental health services don't give the same input, to try and give you the best chance of recovery. It's not fair to let you suffer without that professional support, though in my experience as well they have sent me home without any CMHT/Crisis support after operations. Suggesting that I have found my solution etc.
Is there anybody you or your Mum could call on Tuesday (which I appreciate feels a very long way away) to try and get a bit more support? I'm not sure if they've sorted out a CPN for you yet? Or, could your Mum try the GP and tell them that you need support? If you aren't getting anywhere, you could try PALS and see if they can give any advice on what you should be entitled too etc.

I know all of that isn't particularly helpful to now and how you get through these distressng thoughts & emotions that you are experiencing right now.

Like you, after my operations I have found it very scary that the thoughts of harming myself have returned so quickly. I guess prior to having an operation, we thought that "when it got that bad it would be the end of the self harm" sort of thing, if that makes sense?! Almost like it would be "bad enough" but of course it never is and it's never enough. Sorry - I don't mean to take over your thread, just hoping that some personal experience might at least help you to feel less alone and know that there is someone out there who can relate to you *waves hehe*

You are absolutely right, you can't help having these urges or compulsions - it is not your fault and I know that you are doing your absolute best to not act on them. You should be proud of yourself for that, you are doing really well.

Can you try and make a commitment to yourself that you won't touch the donor and graft site, however much you want to. Maybe a make a list of pro's and con's but try and do it from a 'rational' space of mind rather than from your emotional/urgey state of mind because obviously that is going to tip the pro's and con's in a way we don't want! I'm sure you may know what I mean from what you've done in your STEPPS group. If you want some help with the pro's and con's, not meant in a patronising way, but from an outside perspective, then I am happy to help you :) I know you are very keen to not end up back in hospital so this going to be a big feature I'm sure in your thinking right now.

I guess the rest of it comes down to sitting it out which I know is absolutely horrendous and awful and incredibly distressing, and a very frustrating answer in all honesty. I wish I could say something that would help properly and magic it away! (I bet we both wish we could have money for everytime somebody said that hehe) But I do have faith in your ability to get through this. Call on all the things you have learnt in STEPPS, use RYL, use distractions.

Keep fighting, you are worth it.

Love you lots,

Lottie x

Em01 · 07-04-2012, 10:00 PM

You could PM me if you like, when you feel really bad, like you're gonna do it, atleast it will take some time and maybe even take your mind of it a little, i'm really sorry about the situations you're in, i wish i could help more!

Good luck!

bitomato · 07-04-2012, 10:25 PM

Hey Starstruck,
You aren't rambling at all. It is going to be a case of taking it moment by moment like riding waves. Try to focus on getting through small increments of time- especially by controlling your breathing, and utilising distraction techniques.

Your style of writing above makes me think you could write poetry- do you? Can you write a fairytale for yourself? I understand what you mean about comparing suffering. A lot of the time because people cannot "see" mental suffering they cannot understand it. But using your voice to express yourself is an important way of changing that. Even if you can get away from the negativity in your mind that is urging you to SH, writing poetry or a story might be worth a try.

Please keep talking to the wonderful people on RYL, and utilise any support you may have from family and any telephone support services and even emergency services if it gets to a point. You mentioned having anaemia, so you have to be even more careful not to self harm- you problem feel worse for it- but you will not heal as well.

Please, remember you are not alone. Minute by minute- that is all you have to do........hang in there, and ride the waves. You ARE worth it.

Cryptic. · 08-04-2012, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tig

Hi Sar,

I don't know how great my reply will be but I wanted to reply and try my best at least!

Well done for posting. I know it must have taken you a lot of courage but you deserve the support and you are entitled to the support, same as anybody else on this site. Hopefully by posting you will get some fresh ideas from different people about what might be helpful for you at what is an incredibly difficult time <3

I think it's disgusting in all honesty that you have been sent home with no further support from the mental health team. It sounds like the specialist hospital were fantastic and it's a shame that mental health services don't give the same input, to try and give you the best chance of recovery. It's not fair to let you suffer without that professional support, though in my experience as well they have sent me home without any CMHT/Crisis support after operations. Suggesting that I have found my solution etc.
Is there anybody you or your Mum could call on Tuesday (which I appreciate feels a very long way away) to try and get a bit more support? I'm not sure if they've sorted out a CPN for you yet? Or, could your Mum try the GP and tell them that you need support? If you aren't getting anywhere, you could try PALS and see if they can give any advice on what you should be entitled too etc.

I know all of that isn't particularly helpful to now and how you get through these distressng thoughts & emotions that you are experiencing right now.

Like you, after my operations I have found it very scary that the thoughts of harming myself have returned so quickly. I guess prior to having an operation, we thought that "when it got that bad it would be the end of the self harm" sort of thing, if that makes sense?! Almost like it would be "bad enough" but of course it never is and it's never enough. Sorry - I don't mean to take over your thread, just hoping that some personal experience might at least help you to feel less alone and know that there is someone out there who can relate to you *waves hehe*

You are absolutely right, you can't help having these urges or compulsions - it is not your fault and I know that you are doing your absolute best to not act on them. You should be proud of yourself for that, you are doing really well.

Can you try and make a commitment to yourself that you won't touch the donor and graft site, however much you want to. Maybe a make a list of pro's and con's but try and do it from a 'rational' space of mind rather than from your emotional/urgey state of mind because obviously that is going to tip the pro's and con's in a way we don't want! I'm sure you may know what I mean from what you've done in your STEPPS group. If you want some help with the pro's and con's, not meant in a patronising way, but from an outside perspective, then I am happy to help you :) I know you are very keen to not end up back in hospital so this going to be a big feature I'm sure in your thinking right now.

I guess the rest of it comes down to sitting it out which I know is absolutely horrendous and awful and incredibly distressing, and a very frustrating answer in all honesty. I wish I could say something that would help properly and magic it away! (I bet we both wish we could have money for everytime somebody said that hehe) But I do have faith in your ability to get through this. Call on all the things you have learnt in STEPPS, use RYL, use distractions.

Keep fighting, you are worth it.

Love you lots,

Lottie x

Thankyou so much sis.

I try to say to myself that I deserve support too, but I kinda don't believe it, but I posted and I don't want to delete this thread because you guys have shown such amazing support & advice, I don't want to seem ungrateful for it at all, because I really am not.

I never really even thought of being supported mentally and being sent home with support.

At the general hosp, they did assess me, but at first, I was extremely withdrawn as it was a male, and quite a crap one at that!
So, I requested a female, but I had to wait til the next day.
A female and a male came, but it was mostly the female who talked to me.
She was actually really lovely, and very understanding.

She recommended a medication change asap, and on the day I was allowed to go home for the night[Wednesday, and then travel to the specialist hosp the next day] I had an appt with a psychiatrist.

He, gah. He was awful.

He kept asking me such stupid questions, I got so frustrated with him constantly asking these questions, and said I'm here to change my medications, I'm tired, I've been in hospital since so and so, I have to have a graft done, I'm stressed as it is, I don't want to answer your stupid questions, I'm not here for that stuff, I don't want to talk about blah blah, to stop asking me those certain questions, and that I need a change in my medication.

He point blank refused to discuss changing my medication.
He told my mother to pretty much be quiet and there was silence until I was supposed to answer his questions.

I lost it, I left, I was on the verge of attacking him I was so angry.
I just bloody wanted to change my medication, go home, and rest!

So. I guess I didn't handle that very well.

People will think less of me no doubt for how I acted towards him, but that's how it was.
I was angry, I was frustrated, I was there to change my meds, to discuss what else I could try, to discuss the treatment plans regarding meds, and also to discuss a new CPN.
None of which happened.

He seemed determined to squeeze the stupid answers out of me,
answers which to be honest, I didn't want to give.
I was drained, and I had quite a few distressing days, I just wanted my meds changed.

Is that so bad?
So wrong?
Did I act badly? Probably.
Do I regret how I handled the situation? Yeah.
The state I was in probably didn't help in how I reacted to him, but, that's how it was.

I'm awaiting a medication change still.
He said he'd call on Thursday, he didn't.
He said he'd call to discuss meds change.
He ****ing didn't.
I'm pissed off because of that.
I'm pissed off because professionals don't seem to be doing their job.

I get that they're under pressure right now, and sometimes, professionals aren't always perfect, and don't always do what they're meant to do, but whatever, hey ho, right?

I don't want to seem ungrateful. I never do.
I always try to show I do appreciate people and what they do for me, but this guy, he just really got to me, and I just freaking wanted new meds!

Anyway.
On Tuesday, gonna try and chase up getting my meds changed, and about a new CPN.
I've been waiting since mid last year for one, so pretty angry about that, too.

My last STEPPS group is also in two weeks, which is making me nervous because I actually like going, just to be around people who get it...
It hasn't helped in terms of my symptoms, but it has helped in some ways, in that I'm more informed, more aware of my illness, and trying to adapt to new skills that could help with my symptoms.

I know, I'm being irrational right now.
Probably.
I don't know.
But, this is how I feel.
That's how it went.
This is how it's been going.
Things suck, but I'm unfortunately I'm still here.

Anyway!
I apologize for that.
I guess I needed to get that whole thing out of me.

No, don't feel you're taking over my thread, you're really not.

I actually like it when people can relate to me, it's nice to be understood, like, really understood, and related to, I don't know what I'm saying here, but I hope you get it and it doesn't offend you or anything.

I never, never would want anyone else to go through what I've been through/am going through, but when people have done, it helps to feel less alone...

I never really thought that I'd stop self harming after this to be honest.

On the first day I went to hospital, I thought "this isn't bad enough, it's not "good" enough, I need to do it worse, I have to do it worse than this" - and with my OCD kinda overlapping with my self harming, it's a compulsion for me, too.

I feel like I have to self harm to a really severe degree until it feels "enough".
And sometimes... sometimes it does, for a split second, you know?
The compulsion is fulfilled, and it's quieter, and it's enough...
but that is extremely short lived, and shortly after, it starts to build up again.
And until I self harm again, it won't shut up.

I guess the only times it feels enough, is... well, I don't want to go into details, and you kind of go into this panic deep down, and at the same time as thinking "****, what have I done", I also feel that it was enough, that I can stop now, but... never lasts, ever, at all...

I just, I don't know how to deal with these urges anymore.
I haven't self harmed since the 23rd of last month.[ I think...]
That's, what, 2 or so weeks?!
God, it feels longer.
It feels so long since I self harmed.
I ****ing hate this.

I know... I know deep down, I'm going to self harm again, because I freaking have to eventually, I have to do this compulsion, I have to quieten my head, I have to self harm.
And because part of me is so scared... that's quite a huge thing in what's keeping me from doing it.
Fear.
Of myself.
Of self harming.
Of hospitals.

I guess also for my Nephew, too.
I can't really cuddle him and play with him if I'm either dead, or in hospital, or having to have surgery, whatever, now, can I?
So, he's a big incentive for me.

But, these urges... they're so strong, so powerful.

I guess it doesn't help to have blades on show on my bedside table,
there are only two on show[I hide an object over them]
and the rest are in the bottom draw.

But... I can't bring myself to touch them right now, because if I do, I know, I just know I'll lose it.
I'll lose control over fighting these urges/compulsions, and I'll lose completely.
I won't be able to stop myself.

So.
Here I am.
Fighting, and fighting, and fighting some more.
It's draining.
It's tiring.
It's emotional.
It's making me crazy.
How long until I lose the fight, is what I'm wondering constantly...
How long until it all breaks down & falls apart?

Now that the stitches are out[they put this huge blue spongey thing on top of the graft, and it was stitched on, so I couldn't really do anything to the graft anyway], I think I'm finding it harder not to touch the graft.
The donor site, that's a bit easier to resist, I have to keep it covered for 2 weeks, but the graft, I am allowed to change the bandage/dressings/etc every few days, which means... well, it's gonna be on show when I change it. I see it. I can **** about with it.

& I keep playing with the bandage & dressings & playing around with the graft.
Which I know, sounds gross, and I'm sorry to be that graphic with it, but...
But. I'm trying so hard not to.
It's a real difficult thing for me to not do because I interfere with wound healing and wounds in general, have done for so many years, it's kinda something automatic, so I'm really trying not to.
Plus I know if I keep exposing it to bacteria and messing with it and such, it won't end well.

I don't know how to keep fighting, but... I'm trying here.

The prons & cons list is a really good idea. I'll try and do that. Thankyou sis.

& you're not being partonising either, don't worry.

& yeah, ending up in hospital again is a huge incentive for me, so that's a pro[or con?] straight away! :)

I will keep trying, and fighting, it's so difficult, and I know you get that, all of you probably do, so it's nice to know I'm not fighting alone.

Thankyou sis.

Love you lots, too.

xxx

Quote:

Originally Posted by Em01

You could PM me if you like, when you feel really bad, like you're gonna do it, atleast it will take some time and maybe even take your mind of it a little, i'm really sorry about the situations you're in, i wish i could help more!

Good luck!

Thankyou so much for the offer, and it really is helpful.

Thankyou for posting, it means a lot.

Take care.
x

Quote:

Originally Posted by bitomato

Hey Starstruck,
You aren't rambling at all. It is going to be a case of taking it moment by moment like riding waves. Try to focus on getting through small increments of time- especially by controlling your breathing, and utilising distraction techniques.

Your style of writing above makes me think you could write poetry- do you? Can you write a fairytale for yourself? I understand what you mean about comparing suffering. A lot of the time because people cannot "see" mental suffering they cannot understand it. But using your voice to express yourself is an important way of changing that. Even if you can get away from the negativity in your mind that is urging you to SH, writing poetry or a story might be worth a try.

Please keep talking to the wonderful people on RYL, and utilise any support you may have from family and any telephone support services and even emergency services if it gets to a point. You mentioned having anaemia, so you have to be even more careful not to self harm- you problem feel worse for it- but you will not heal as well.

Please, remember you are not alone. Minute by minute- that is all you have to do........hang in there, and ride the waves. You ARE worth it.

I write poetry every now and then, but I'm more into just writing/journalling/etc. Fairytale is a good idea, I will def try that, thankyou for that idea.

Yes, I have anaemia, I don't do as I'm supposed to & take my iron tablets, but I will try to remember that in regards to self harming and the consequences.

I will take it minute by minute, and thank you, so much, your post means a lot.

Thankyou all so much again.
I'm so sorry for rambling so much.
I guess I needed it?

xxx

bitomato · 09-04-2012, 01:47 AM

Hey Starstruck,
Can someone else in the family change your bandages/ supervise you? At least at the moment that you feel triggered.
I personally am glad that you are still "here". I hate that you are suffering, but you don't know what magical adventures the future holds- that is why you have to hang in there.

In acute care, things can be really scary. Sometimes the questions are generic and seem irrelevant- but those are the "tools" used to assess where you are in terms of coping as thoughts and feelings are not visible they are dependant on your responses.

My experience was that the doctor brought up records of my abuse when I went in and opened a new can of worms- all I wanted to do was sleep- I freaked out but tried to answer after I calmed down and they were like- the session is over. While I appreciate that they did what they thought was best, I personally like the doctor I had the next day and asked them if I could choose them. Of course not- but it really made me grateful I had the doctor I did outside of the hospital.

Like you said it is about perseverance and follow up. Horrible when you are mentally drained- but you have to keep saying you are worth it. The system sucks regardless, don't let it dictate what service you should receive. Hugs

bitomato · 09-04-2012, 01:54 AM

Hey Starstruck,
Can someone else in the family change your bandages/ supervise you? At least at the moment that you feel triggered.
I personally am glad that you are still "here". I hate that you are suffering, but you don't know what magical adventures the future holds- that is why you have to hang in there.

In acute care, things can be really scary. Sometimes the questions are generic and seem irrelevant- but those are the "tools" used to assess where you are in terms of coping as thoughts and feelings are not visible they are dependant on your responses.

My experience was that the doctor brought up records of my abuse when I went in and opened a new can of worms- all I wanted to do was sleep- I freaked out but tried to answer after I calmed down and they were like- the session is over. While I appreciate that they did what they thought was best, I personally like the doctor I had the next day and asked them if I could choose them. Of course not- but it really made me grateful I had the doctor I did outside of the hospital.

Like you said it is about perseverance and follow up. Horrible when you are mentally drained- but you have to keep saying you are worth it. The system sucks regardless, don't let it dictate what service you should receive. Hugs

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 09-04-2012, 01:51 PM

Hey Sarface,

I don't blame you reacting to the psych guy the way you did,, its more than understandable given the situation, I'm sure he see's it often & I know I've acted like a complete bitch to some doctors in hospital, to the point of pulling out drips & telling them all to '**** the hell off' & to be honest, I doubt they've lost any sleep over it. You can stop feeling so guilty now, okay? *Prods*

Also, Anemia makes you even more exhausted than you already are with your ME & MH. How are you doing with taking the supplements?

I would change your bandage for you, but I am like a million miles away. I imagine you wouldn't feel comfortable with someone else doing it, but could you ask your Mum? Or set a time limit you have to do it, like 'I have 4 minutes to change this, so I can't play around or stare/think about the wound, I just change it & that's that, otherwise I'll go over the 4 minutes.', I find a bit of OCD-Control with time helps me when I have to change dressings.

I think distraction is the key here. Try your hardest not to think 'I will eventually self harm', thats dangerous, as you might find yourself begining to think 'I'll eventually self harm, so I might as well get it over & done with', have you found any soild distraction that works?, Maybe spoil yourself with DVD's on Amazon & have a movie fest?, like 6 hours in the night, where its more difficult? Or start a picture blog on tumblr or something?, Pictures of happy times, of places you want to go, people you want to meet? I have a friendship bracelet kit I could send you, if you'd like?, I find using my hands always helps. Also, art,,, & I KNOW you can paint! I've seen the art missy, the fairy one is actually epic, & one day I want a print of it., but yes, have you thought about starting a huge painting?, on a canvas?! (Remember you did one at my house before?, with a little heart!) You could buy all the colours & canvas (Online if you can't get to the shop) & set it all on your floor (if theres any room

) & just splash it around?! How about decorating your wall with a collage? If thats all too strainus there's always good old texting/FB/phone calls,,, I can talk for HOURS about absolutely nothing & if that fails, I'm always up for a ramble about the Olsen Twins or coffee or fashion or art or music or just listening to you,

Anyway, I happen to have rambled a stupid amount & I'm supposed to be braving the rain outside! I'm so sorry I'm a bit, **** at replying right now, but I just wanted to show some love & add a little.

Be safe & keep busy sweetcheeks,
xxxx

Cryptic. · 09-04-2012, 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bitomato

Hey Starstruck,
Can someone else in the family change your bandages/ supervise you? At least at the moment that you feel triggered.
I personally am glad that you are still "here". I hate that you are suffering, but you don't know what magical adventures the future holds- that is why you have to hang in there.

In acute care, things can be really scary. Sometimes the questions are generic and seem irrelevant- but those are the "tools" used to assess where you are in terms of coping as thoughts and feelings are not visible they are dependant on your responses.

My experience was that the doctor brought up records of my abuse when I went in and opened a new can of worms- all I wanted to do was sleep- I freaked out but tried to answer after I calmed down and they were like- the session is over. While I appreciate that they did what they thought was best, I personally like the doctor I had the next day and asked them if I could choose them. Of course not- but it really made me grateful I had the doctor I did outside of the hospital.

Like you said it is about perseverance and follow up. Horrible when you are mentally drained- but you have to keep saying you are worth it. The system sucks regardless, don't let it dictate what service you should receive. Hugs

Thankyou so much for your reply.
I appreciate it so much.

Umm.
No, I like to change my own wound care things. I hate any one else touching it or going near it, very protective of it, think it's just the fact it's my doing, my self harm, my wound(s), I am responsible for them, and I just, I don't know, I hate people touching it or trying to do anything to it. It feels wrong as well when I get stitches/grafts/steri anything done to it, to help them, makes it feel wrong.
Sorry, that went on there.

Anyway.
I appreciate that sometimes professionals are kinda oblivious to how distressing they're making the situation, and are ignorant to some things, and they aren't perfect, I know that too.

I'm just really waiting until tomorrow to sort my meds and a CPN out finally.

I'm really just, so anxious to get my meds changed, maybe then something will click & I'll maybe feel less distressed/urges/compulsions will be a bit better at dealing with them and the intensity of them, and dealing with my illnesses/symptoms in general, I don't know.

Minus side is, I've been puncturing my graft.
I won't go into any more detail than that, I don't want to give out methods or tips, or trigger anyone at all, but yeah.
It bled a fair bit, so I had to change the dressings/pads/etc and it seems to have stopped bleeding.
I kinda was desperate...obviously.

I just need to cut. I need to cut over it. I need to **** it all up. I need to fulfill this damn damn damn compulsion.

Why can't it just go away?
Why is this happening?
I can't escape my own mind, can I now?
I don't know what to do.
Drug OD?
Whack myself out of reality, maybe?
I don't know.
I usually take very very minor OD's each day, and have taken a bit more just now, but I need more and more and more, it's not enough, I need to be out of my head & reality, I really do, I can't freaking fight this much longer, it's so so so strong, what do I do?
What on earth do I do?
About anything anymore?
I just feel freaking hopeless & helpless here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EyelinerAndCigarettes

Hey Sarface,

I don't blame you reacting to the psych guy the way you did,, its more than understandable given the situation, I'm sure he see's it often & I know I've acted like a complete bitch to some doctors in hospital, to the point of pulling out drips & telling them all to '**** the hell off' & to be honest, I doubt they've lost any sleep over it. You can stop feeling so guilty now, okay? *Prods*

Also, Anemia makes you even more exhausted than you already are with your ME & MH. How are you doing with taking the supplements?

I would change your bandage for you, but I am like a million miles away. I imagine you wouldn't feel comfortable with someone else doing it, but could you ask your Mum? Or set a time limit you have to do it, like 'I have 4 minutes to change this, so I can't play around or stare/think about the wound, I just change it & that's that, otherwise I'll go over the 4 minutes.', I find a bit of OCD-Control with time helps me when I have to change dressings.

I think distraction is the key here. Try your hardest not to think 'I will eventually self harm', thats dangerous, as you might find yourself begining to think 'I'll eventually self harm, so I might as well get it over & done with', have you found any soild distraction that works?, Maybe spoil yourself with DVD's on Amazon & have a movie fest?, like 6 hours in the night, where its more difficult? Or start a picture blog on tumblr or something?, Pictures of happy times, of places you want to go, people you want to meet? I have a friendship bracelet kit I could send you, if you'd like?, I find using my hands always helps. Also, art,,, & I KNOW you can paint! I've seen the art missy, the fairy one is actually epic, & one day I want a print of it., but yes, have you thought about starting a huge painting?, on a canvas?! (Remember you did one at my house before?, with a little heart!) You could buy all the colours & canvas (Online if you can't get to the shop) & set it all on your floor (if theres any room

) & just splash it around?! How about decorating your wall with a collage? If thats all too strainus there's always good old texting/FB/phone calls,,, I can talk for HOURS about absolutely nothing & if that fails, I'm always up for a ramble about the Olsen Twins or coffee or fashion or art or music or just listening to you,

Anyway, I happen to have rambled a stupid amount & I'm supposed to be braving the rain outside! I'm so sorry I'm a bit, **** at replying right now, but I just wanted to show some love & add a little.

Be safe & keep busy sweetcheeks,
xxxx

Hi babygirl,

Thankyou so much for replying.

I will try and stop feeling so guilty angel, thank you for saying that actually, it has helped.

Yeah, Anaemia isn't the best with all this other crap going on lol!
Ummm...
I don't, no...
I know I should, I know.
But I can't.
I felt so sick on it before when I took the first dose, and since then, been scared to take it, but had to take one in hospital, but I felt sick after that too, luckily not as badly, but I was also having the 2 transfusions, and they most likely added to the side effect of nausea, like, hello, tons of iron entering my body in pill and fluid form lol!

But no, I'm quite **** with the iron pills.
And the antibiotics.
But it's fine in my head.
I don't really really need them.
Do I?
I know I need them but part of me says the above.
I don't.
It's fine.
I'll live.
[lol.]

I wouldn't have you changing my bandages sweetpea, I don't want to trigger you nor do I want you to be touching this gross pile of mess!
[Though you did used to clean and help me with my wounds, which I'll never forget and always appreciate you in doing, I remember you even kissing my leg one time because I felt so ashamed and unloved for self harming, & I felt so grateful for you being there.]
Sorry. I shouldn't ramble. I keep doing it. Sorry.

The 4 min thing is good, I really like that actually, I might try that, thank you angel!

I actually to have a tumblr, but I usually see very triggering photos.
Which, not helpful, but I can't really help it, I feel like I have to see the photos, you know?

I dunno.

Anyway.

You keep the bracelet making kit, I'm awful at that!
But I'm reallllly glad it's helpful for you, it's good to have something like that to distract yourself, I bet your bracelets are stunning!

&
No, I cannot paint lol!
Well, I can paint, but I'm pretty crud at it!

The fairy painting, I will see if I can get it copied for you & send it along with my letter & surprise for you if you want?
Or send it afterwards?

Of course, FB/twitter/texts/calls are a few of my top distractions, & texting you obviously be awesome.
I do appreciate how much you're there for me, I realllllly do.

& I'll try and give you a call tomorrow,if you'd like, I don't mind either way.
I'm more good with texts but, you know I have anxiety around phones!
I remember we used to ramble for so long on the phone though :P

Anyway.

Yeah, distraction is pretty much what I do 24 7.
It gets tiring, always distracting yourself, it doesn't always help, and sometimes it just gets too much & distracting myself isn't enough, it's too strong/too loud, but I am keeping on trying to not cut/self harm.
[Despite puncturing my graft, I still haven't self harmed with a blade/cut.]

Yeah, my mindset is like that. I'm gonna self harm eventually anyway, so I may as well do it.
But. I'm trying to not follow that mindset.
I'm trying to fight back against the urges.
Sometimes, I wonder how on earth I'm still fighting back.
And why.
But.
Yeah.

I might spoil myself on Amazon maybee. I don't know, ha. I have a few movies that I would like to get, and I get them so cheap, it's awesome!
I'll see how it goes money wise right now, get all bills and what I owe sorted out, and see how much is left and what I can live on for the rest of the month and if I can buy some good deals. :)

I have recently done my wall up!
Supernatural pictures of the actors everywhereeee.
& then a huge huge wall full of letters, pictures, cards, all that nice stuff from friends/besties and all :)
Also hopefully getting a big photo collage of my Nephew soon, too!
That'd really make me smile!

You're far from **** at replying baby, far far from it.

You've really helped & supported me, a lot, so thank you, as always, you're amazing.

Take care of you, too, missy.

Here for you alwaysss. As alwaysss.
xxxxxxxxxxx
Lovelovelove.<3

Cryptic. · 11-04-2012, 09:55 PM

I'm sorry to repost again. I could use a cuddle, comfort, strength, hope, support? Anything I guess...

I just wish this would stop.

I do not know how much longer I can go on fighting like this until it all breaks down...:l

Tig · 11-04-2012, 10:03 PM

*Massive cuddles and lots of sprinklings of fairy dust*

I'm sorry I am so useless at the moment but I am here for you and I love you very much.

You deserve so much more than this.

I'm going to send you some snail-mail :)

xxxxxxx

Cryptic. · 12-04-2012, 09:12 AM

Hey, you're not useless sis, nobody is useless in my opinion, and you certainly are not.

I love you so very much too sis.
You too deserve more.

Aw, snail mail! I can't wait!
Thankyou so much.

*cuddles you and sprinkles fairy dust on you too*
xxxxx

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 12-04-2012, 05:41 PM

HeyHeyyy,,

So, I be back. I demanded to go up my Mums, solely to reply to this thread, since my internet dongle has run out.

Anyhoo,

How are you today??
I hope you spoiled yourself on Amazon?,,, In fact, we could start a DVD trade,,, like trade 2 or 3 DVD's a week in the post?, I'll send 3 as a surprise, then you watch & send back & so forth... Just an idea.

Good luck with your ECG too honey,
You know my number,
xx x x x x x

Cryptic. · 12-04-2012, 05:49 PM

Aww, thankyou angel.

I'm sorry your stupid dongle has run out!

I'm struggling but hey ho!

Ooh, a dvd trade! Where do you get these amazing ideas baby!?
I'd love to do that! Could be like a fun surprise game, for the both of us! :)

Thankyou for the luck,
&you be safe & you know my number too, here for you as well!

I love you lots and lots babygirl.

Thank you so much again.
xxxxx

pixiedust_11 · 13-04-2012, 09:33 AM

I'm sorry I don't have too much to say in reply, but I have read this and I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Just know, that you can do this. No matter how difficult, how impossible, how frustratingly hard it seems, I know you can do this. You have the strength, it's inside of you right now waiting to burst out in a healthy and beautiful way. Keep on ranting on this thread, it seems like it can be really useful to you. I understand the compulsions and the feeling of needing to go through with them, but I speak from my heart when I say that I used to be a person with no confidence in myself to do this. But that's what changed everything. I started to believe in myself. Be pro-active for your own health. That's how I like to view it. And I know, just how hard it is, please don't think I'm ignoring that or patronising you in anyway. In fact, tell me to shut up if this doesn't help. But you are loved, you are beautiful and you have this wonderful strength inside of you.

Something I wrote the other day in a blog post about it:

"Some may strike lucky in life and have all of this provided on a golden platter, but the true hero is the one who can look inside of themselves, and whisper a song of hope to a troubled heart. To know that beyond death, there is life, and that there is always a time and place to experience love, peace and contentment."

You are always worth treatment, recovery, and love. Love from yourself, love from others, and love from the universe (because well, we are made of stardust after all...

) Keep fighting, you can do it, you can do it, you can do it. Repeat it to yourself in the mirror. Wake up in the mornings and make yourself smile, even if it doesn't feel right, because studies show that the physical act of happiness can perpetuate the emotional act of happiness.

I'll stop rambling now, but I can't reiterate enough how I know you can do this, and that I am always here for you. PM me, rant on here, whatever it is you need, we will try and provide.

Lots and lots of love xxx

Cryptic. · 14-04-2012, 02:25 PM

Thank you so much for replying pixie and taking the time to write so much for me.

You're not patronising at all.

I'm really glad things have changed for you, honestly I am, but...
I'm pretty hopeless for any chance of "recovery".

I guess the way I see things right now, is,
and no this is no dramatization,
the next time I self harm, I might end up going too far and killing myself.
Or.
I'll end up doing some more serious crap, and have to go to hospital again.

Both of which scare me. & I guess that fear helps in trying to not self harm. [And of course my Nephew, my pets, etc.]

Hospital - well, obvious. I hate hospitals, I'm sure most people do. I don't want to go back there.

Death scares me, despite the fact I've tried to kill myself countless times, though this usually is impulsive.
Despite the fact that, yes, I do wish I wasn't alive.
I guess it's the unknown. I don't know.

The degree that I go to with my self harm...
I feel like I have to.
I have these ****edup compulsions to do x, y, z.
It's not enough until I do x, until I do y, z. Blah blah.

I feel like I have to do it until it's "enough", [bad/good "enough"].
I have to, I need to, I not only crave it, but I freaking feel like I'm going insane without it, with these compulsions, these urges, screaming inside to self harm, to forget fighting, forget trying, there's no point, you'll end up doing it anyway, so screw it, do it now.

It feels like I'm going to end up self harming again anyway.
It feels like despite the fact I haven't self harmed since the 23rd of March, which is what, 3 weeks ago now?
God... 3 weeks... thinking about the fact it's been 3 weeks... it feels so long, yet so short... it feels like it's been forever...

My mindset right now, which isn't helped by what is happening with professionals atm and what happened yesterday with it all, is "**** it, you're going to do it sooner or later, so do it now, it's fine, just do it, who cares anyway?."

When I pick up that [object] and it's in my hands, that's it. I lose it. I lose all control and it just becomes about fulfilling my compulsions.

When I self harmed on the 23rd, I was so out of it.
I barely remember that night.
[It wasn't helped by the fact I had took a small OD of sleeping pills. They barely did their job!]
All I remember is cutting...
and I just kept on cutting...
over... and over... and over...
I couldn't stop... I felt so out of control... so out of it in general...
I woke up the next day and I at first didn't even remember self harming, then I saw my leg... and fragments of what happened came back to me.

I just feel so bloody hopeless and helpless right now, esp with my self harming.

I feel like it's inevitable that I will self harm again, and I'm scared of myself, and it feels like there's nothing I can bloody do to stop myself from self harming because it's getting too much, too overwhelming, too distressing, & it's going to happen...

I'm trying here. I really am. I'm trying to fight back so much, so hard.

In the end though... it feels pointless. Useless.

I can't even escape from it all. I can't escape from my own mind, can I?

God, I'm sorry for going on.
I'm sorry.

I'm clueless right now with what to do about all this crap, I really am.

I don't know what to do anymore. At all.

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 14-04-2012, 08:29 PM

I'm sorry, for you struggling my darl.

I'm sorry I can't say anything other than sorry. But, You'll get through this,, I know you feel hopeless, but hope is out there. I promise you.

You know where I am,,
x x x

melodypond · 14-04-2012, 09:14 PM

I don't really know what to say, but just k ow that you're not alone. Look at all of the people who responded to this. Even if it may feel like we're just a bunch of words on a screen, there are real people behind each of these posts. It may not mean much right now, but I wish you the best of luck. You can get through this.

Too Shy · 15-04-2012, 03:16 PM

Hi,

You say you're pretty hopeless for any chance of 'recovery', I'm just wondering what would be recovery for you? You've probably heard of the recovery model of mental health, I'm guessing - with all the different meanings of recovery?

Self-harm is a very big part of your life, and the fact that you haven't self-harmed since 23rd March is a huge deal (and you don't sound like you're giving yourself enough credit for that either, would that be right? Especially bearing in mind that you've been through a lot in that time, with the hospital and the treatments and the shock of all that, which is a very stressful thing anyway).

Have you had any help or therapy to try to work on reducing the severity of your self-harm, rather than just people trying to stop you doing it altogether? I don't know if that's something that would help you, for some people it's not right for them. But it sounds like you're feeling very out of control with the self-harm at the moment, and needing to go further. And maybe reducing the intensity of it and that feeling of it not being 'enough' would be a helpful first step? You sound like you're putting pressure on yourself and feeling like a failure for wanting to self-harm again, and I'm just wondering if that might take away some of those feelings a little it. I know you were having some therapy (DBT?) so I don't know that's something you've tried or not, but it's just a suggestion.

And with the anaemia as well, as I'm sure you know the anaemia makes you ridiculously exhausted mentally and physically (and even more so with your M.E.), and it's hard to fight your brain when you're so exhausted anyway, so reducing the severity of your self-harm may help in that respect (sorry if this sounds patronising because I know you know all this, but sometimes it can help to have things written down).

What happens when you have the compulsions to do [x/y/z]? It sounds like it's very impulsive and very intense, what happens if you don't do the compulsions? Is it helpful for someone to be with you while you're trying to fight those compulsions, so that you're not alone, or so that they can keep you physically safe for a while? Does doing something to help your mind relax during those compulsions do anything to help? (Deep breathing, watching a DVD, lying in bed, relaxation CDs/etc?) Or is it a more angry kind of feeling (hitting a pillow, screaming really loud, scribbling on a piece of paper, or anything like that?). Sorry for so many questions.

I'm sorry I can't say anything helpful, but it's clear how much you're struggling and how hard you're fighting this, so just wanted to reply. Sorry this is so long, if you want me to delete it just let me know heh. Just know that people are reading this and that people do care, you're not alone.

x

Tig · 15-04-2012, 08:50 PM

Sending you hugs and love Sarah.xxx