Not sure which, if any, category I fall into...

[*BabyG*]

OK, this is gonna be a long one, so brace yourselves (sorry!)

I'm a bit nervous. This is the first time I've talked about this. Infact, it's the first time I've really admitted it to myself but I think something isn't right. I'm quite scared that people will just think 'oh, hark at the fatty looking for excuses as to why she's such a loser'. But seriously, please hear me out.

About 3 years ago, I started a diet to lose baby weight plus weight gained through depression... Started off following a sensible eating plan but things weren't moving quick enoughso I started to cut what I was eating gradually, along with increasing exercise levels.

I would have periods of fasting, followed by a bingefollowed by a feeling of guilt, self hatred, distress and then another period of fasting.

I shed all of the weight but still wasn't happy. Because I'd been so big before, I had a lot of excess skin, strech marks and wobbly bits, so even though the scales showed a smaller number, I still looked bigger than other girls the same weight....so I basically stopped eating altogether, binging very occassionaly, followed by another fast to make up for it.

This went on for about 18 months. And at that point, sadness kicked in, as did emotional eating and so the binges got closer together and eventually, took over, so I was no longer fasting at all, just binging and the overwhelming depression stopped me exercising too.

So over the last 18 months, I've slipped deeper and deeper into depression and gained alot of weight. I cant even say how utterly devastating that is for me. I think about my weight 24/7. I'm at the point now where I struggle to leave the house, my husband thinks I dont fancy him anymore cos I wont let him touch me and everytime I eat, I have a feeling of utter disgust with myself.

Then, about 3 months ago, old habbits crept back in. I'm fasting, binging and then fasting again to make up for it. My activity levels are on the up and since my mother in law has started piling on the pressure with the whole 'well if you don't eat, you'll only end up gaining weight, you'll see', that I've started to hide it.

Also, I get a high from feeling hungry, like I'm achieving something great and the other high I get is from cooking for my family. I'll make pies, scones etc. and when I resist, I get such a buzz. But subconsciously, I'm not convinced that's normal either. My periods are irregular, usually really heavy for two weeks then nothing for sometimes months, my hair falls out in clumps and my skin is awful.

Now, after that essay, I get to my question. I am starting to think I may have an eating disorder, but Im not sure which? I've done a little research as for a while, I've wandered whether my attitude towards food and my body is normal and from what I can gather, anorexics eat very, very little without binging, only giving themselves enough to keep themselves alive.....Im not sure I fit into this category because although I can go most days eating very little, I do still have my binges. I've read bulimia can be characterised by 'binge/purges'. I always thought purge meant making yourself vomit. However, this morning I read somewhere this morning that purging is just any means of 'getting rid' of the food you've eaten. So, although, I don't make myself vomit, I do fast for days to make up for the binge and I also use diet pills to help stop my cravings to make it easier to fast whenever I can afford them.

So I'm thinking maybe this is the category I fit into? I really dont know, and was wandering if any of you could shed any light on it? I've also heard of anorexia with a binge/purge subtype and I have no idea where on earth I stand. Im not even sure you can class the way I am as having an eating disorder. Over cautious maybe but not sure bout ED. I dunno.

The problem I have with regards to getting help is who the hell is gonna take a fat lump seriously when she tries to say she has an ED? My weights dropping rapidly again and I think prefessional help will only become available once they can see what the problems doing to me. I have tried talking to them about how I feel, but I find it hard to vocalise and they generally just say 'eat healthy and exercise and you'll be fine' and that's it and I dont like to push. But seriously, I think I may be the only person with a possible ED who weighs as much as I do. I really need to try to tackle this myself, but to do that, I would massively appreciate any guidance you may be able to offer. Do you think this sounds like an ED or am I just thinking too much into it?

Thank you in advance
Baby
x x

Extra note: apologies for the figures and numbers, like I say, I'm new and confused and certainly didn't mean to trigger or upset anyone - hope the changes are ok now x

[tiptoes]

Hello and welcome,

Firstly, it might be an idea to read the forum rules as numbers and details about intake are not allowed as they are triggering to users, could you edit your post accordingly?

Secondly, we can't diagnose you with an eating disorder for that you need to see a professional, maybe a trip to your gp would be a good idea. What we can do is support you, no matter what you weigh, what you eat, what matters to us is that you are struggling and we want to help. This is part of the reason that weights and food intakes are banned.

You might want to take a look in the sub forum here http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...play.php?f=107 where there are other members that also suffer from overeating.

Do you have any support that you can call upon in real life?

[Lyddie]

Low on words at the moment I'm afraid so this is may not be the best response.

Firstly, I have to start off by saying that we cannot diagnose you with an eating disorder. Only a professional can do that. However, I would say it sounds like yuo have an unhealthy relationship with food. Go and see you doctor about this and please push. Eating disorder help is hard to get, so you have to push if you want help with it.

Eating disorders aren't just about weight, they're a mental illness and you can't be "too heavy" to have an eating disorder. Also there isn't just anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa when it comes to eating disorders. They have sub-types and there is also ED-NOS (and Compulsive Over-Eating). SomethingFishy has a lot of useful information on EDs and if you click no the What Are EDs button on the left-hand sidebar there it gives you information about the different types of EDs that there are. However, I am not suggesting you use this to diagnose yourself, as I said previously, only a professional can diagnose you.

It can be hard to make yourself push to get help, but do go to your doctor. Perhaps write a letter to give to them, explaining just how worried you are about this and how severe your actions are at the moment, if you feel you would be unable to articulate it.
Is there anyone else (family- of friends-wise) that you ould talk to about this as well, who can help you around food a bit?

Also, number and food-lists aren't allowed on here, so you'll need to go back and remove those please.

Take care
Lydia
xx

[*BabyG*]

Thank you girls, and sorry for the stupid mention of numbers, intakes etc., I was so intent on making sure I got everything down that Im feeling, I wasn't thinking properly....flipping numpty that I am. Anyways, I've edited it now but if anything else needs changing, please let me know.

I think I haven't really expressed myself properly, what I was trying to say was does anyone have similar experiences? Could this potentially be an eating disorder or do I just overthink things? And really, I just wanted to see whether people thought I had a cause for concern or not.

The thing is, I don't believe I have the over-eating disorder......in reality, the overeating comes rarely, and as I said before, I remedy it by fasting. I can't seem to help myself. I don't have the constant urge to eat & eat & eat, if you know what I mean? Only occassionally does that urge rise, so Im not sure the over-eating forum is really for me. Thanks for the link though, I appreciate your help. Goodness, I'm really not doing a good job of explaining what I mean. Told you I was useless at vocalising! lol.

Anyway, I have a history of depression and other various mental health issues. Im reluctant to tell anyone, be it family/friends or medical professionals about what's going on cos in my experience, when I've tried to tell them how bad things are they'll say stuff like 'aw shut-up man and get a pizza down you', or 'stop being stupid, there's nothing the matter'. I don't think anyone will believe or take me seriously (I have previous experiences of difficulty trying to get diagnosis and help for a rare neurological condition from which I suffer) so I'm at a bit of a loss. I certainly DO NOT want to have an ED, or any other type of illness, that's for certain. I don't really know what I'm trying to say, I just think maybe hearing from people with similar experiences and hearing how they deal with it could help me deal with my issues too.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, means alot x

[Lyddie]

I would say that it does sound lkike you have a very unhealthy relationship with food and that your behaviours are going to be very damaging towards your health and that you should seek help. But that is as much as I feel able to say, as I'm not a professional so cannot say that you do have an eating disorder. That does not mean I don't think that you have a problem with food, just that I can't diagnose at all.

I haven't had the same experience as you, but some advice for the moment, is to keep on trying to eat small amounts and regularly. Do you have 'safe' foods that you feel able to eat okay? Start with those and try to slowly increase the amount that you are eating each day.

Also, please try and stay away from those diet pills, I understand the urges to take them, but they can be extremely dangerous and actually, the effects they have are negligible.

I understad your reluctance to talk to people about this, but you do need to see a doctor if it is concerning you and you feel you need help with it. They should be able to refer you to some appropriate help and hopefully a dietician who could help you with a healthy eating plan. A good doctor should know that EDs are not about weight and take notice of you. But you will have to push, I get that it's hard to push, but as ED help is so hard to come by, you do need to.

Take care
xx

[when.will.it.end]

I can defiantly relate. I also fast, don't purge and binge or at least feel like I'm bingeing.

I think it is a cause for concern as these patterns aren't healthy. Are you involved with any professionals at all at the minute? Is there anyone in your life you can discuss this with and maybe ask them to come with you to the doctors?