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Old 14-05-2009, 05:04 PM   #1
*General.FIASCO*
Ignorance~Was~Bliss
 
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Triggering (SI) - My heads a mess

Ok now this is gonna be a bit of a rant and I know that it'll be a bit sloppy, explaining whats been going on is a challenge but I need to get it off my chest to give myself some perspective at least...
...and I'm really really ashamed but I'm not gonna sugar coat it

Ok so for years I've been surrounded by dysfunction, I'm 18 and my 21 year old brother was diagnosed bi-polar at my age, he's semi ok now but has his moments like this summer he attempted suicide about 5 times before admitting to it and being dragged through a system full of doctors and things trying to 'make him better'
Naturally this took a hell of alot out of my Mother however she's areally strong person and I completely admire her, she is amazing.

The year before that my best friend died-heart attack- although the rumours were heart-breaking, y'know people assuming suicide and all that, I'm sure it didn't help that she died in my older brothers arms, that surely messed with his head much more than it did with mine, I will never ever forget her and it makes me value friendships to the extreme, which is not a bad thing, I'm fiercely loyal as a result of it

Another person in my life is Alex, he I would consider up there on the friends list, his parents split up a few years ago and he had a few more **** ups in the middle anyway in a nutshell he cut-alot and I was there for him...his girlfriends generally hate but I mean we're like siblings so they've nothing to fear, the mere concept of being with each other repulsees both of us XD
So after months of turning up at his door when he needed hes finall not cutting, I only usually hear fromhim when somethings the matter and I do my best to fix it with him, if i cant change it then i listen, it helps him and so long as im not hearing fromhim everythings good and i dont need to be worrying cause he tells me everything :)...bit messed up but there ya are

Then we have my sister, shes 24, she helped drag my brother through his crap and i really get along with her and admire her, she deals with tthings well and is good at assesing situations, she loves drama though and attention so sometimes she makes a situation suit herself which is not so good

Then there is the history of what used to be 2 of my closest friends, the 2 that were around andsupporting after my world fell apart with the girl i grew up with dying, these two were brilliant, he more than she. I could relate to him alot he was a friend, they were together, she was a close friend but she also had the need for attention to a disgraceful degree, not very good socially, i caught her out pretending to cut for attention, this was years ago though, the school counsellor told me to stop dragging her there that she was just doing it for my attention and crap...it was disgraceful but after a load more crap she manipulated him, my friend, her boyfriend with her tears, it resulted with me arguing with both and now i barely and rarely speak to either.

now there is another girl, 3 we'll call her for coherence and her new boyfriend, 4 well call him, now 3 had a huge irrational infatuation with alex but she is not his type, i was really really good friends with 4, have been for 2 years and essentially he opened up to me about his cutting and occasional thirst for blood, naturally i tried to help. now somehow i maneged to get caught up in it all and one day in a rush just cut myself...no trigger or anything just did it...a couple of little gashes on my wrist, i felt like a fool pulled on awrist band and went about my day.

but then i got gradually more addicted...

Now i told 4 cause he wouldnt blow it out or proportion, and it wasnt, we both made an agreement that we would both stop cutting together and we went with it...i also made him give me his word that he would tell nobody becauseif it got back to alex i would feel terrible...not to mention if people knew that i the girl who fixes it all, takes everything in her stride, happy go lucky jenna was cuttingherself it would not go down well to say the least and i wouldfeel a thousandtimes worse...

anywhos after some convinceing 3 got with 4 which isw cool i dont mind at all but 3 is now changing, whichwas expected, she has a kinda needy personality i was only ever gonna be there for her til a lad came along, i dont blame her for that it is her personality although 4 and i are really drifting apart, which gets to me because its a replay of what happened with the 2 friends a few years ago.

although thats not the part that is really upsetting

what is really upsetting is that the two most important people in my life, my mother of course and my boyfriend who is really amazing are the 2 people that i cant ever let find out about my phase of cutting, i am so ashamed of the scars and the only thing stopping me from cutting again is knowing how much it would hurt them!
If it was not for them I think that I would be in a much worse state than I am but I know that unless I get rid of these scars on my legs and arms that i will never be able to forgive myself for the hurt that i could potentially cause them...

so thats the story of me and what a rant it was...having this running through my head on top of exams and expectations and thingsis a bit rough to say the least...any advice would be appreciated!!!

Thanks

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Old 15-05-2009, 08:10 AM   #2
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wow, I hope that helped, putting it all down, have you re-read it? sometimes it helps you realise some things. Don't worry about what may potentially happen because it may not and people don't always act like you expect them to. It is a part of your life and there's nothing you can do about the past except make the most of today. good luck with exams and look after yourself, hugs, Hannah



"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"

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Old 15-05-2009, 09:24 AM   #3
*General.FIASCO*
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Thanks Hannah <3

Yeah I re-read it and realised how badly explaineed it is but it did help a bit, I dunno the thing is that people generally do end up acting as I expect because I've got an obsession with psychology and tend to analyse what people do and say, helps me decipher their reactions and stuff...
Kinda freaks me out when I don't know what's gonna happen, I think that's why all of this is getting to me, I don't know what to be doing because I'm usually the one that fixes it...ah I dunno I'm feeling less psychotic today though:)

Man that was one mighty rant though, almost counts as an incomprehendable novel :P

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Old 16-05-2009, 06:37 PM   #4
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sometimes we're the ones who need some help, its a lot easier to help other because we can stay in control... perhaps it would be good to take the initiative and talk to your mother & boyfriend? then you can choose the time/place/what to say, and have some control, even though you don't know what their reaction would be? they may be upset because they care for you, but if they know then perhaps that would give you more support & you wouldn't need to worry about them finding out?

but it's for you to decide, you know yourself, and them...

good luck with the exams, I know its silly to say don't worry because worrying is natural! But there will be all sorts of opportunities for you however they go, choices and possibilities that you might not see right now, so try to relax and just do your best.

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Old 25-05-2009, 12:31 PM   #5
*General.FIASCO*
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Thanks Tokoloshe!

I wasn't brave enoguh to tell my Mother, it really would send her over the edge, but I told my boyfriend and he took it really really well, I am so happy about that!
He doesn't even shy away from my scars or stare or anything which makes me feel alot better, he did ask me to promise him that I wouldn't cut anymore and that anytime I was thinking about it to let him know before I do.
It's going really really well :D :D :D I havn't cut in...I'm not actually sure how long I lost count after a week because I just wasn't thinking about it...
Now my plan is to figure out how to lessen the intensity of my scars before summer so that my Mam won't notice and then I can get on with myself and hopefully not look back <3

:D

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Old 28-05-2009, 08:04 AM   #6
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That's great - well done!

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