I think I know how you feel - about being a hurricane of destruction but unable to stop or control yourself. "Waking up" after it and thinking 'oh no, what have I done!' but having no idea how to fix it. Dying isn't the answer to that.
You don't need to go into detail if you don't want to, but if you think it'll help then by all means tell us, even if its long. Sometimes it helps just to type it out and see it written there. Often I do that and then delete it all. Like on KHP (Canadian Kids Help Phone) they have this thing called Letters Written Never Sent - because it helps to write it out even if sending it off would be disastarous.
You aren't alone, though. In what you're feeling. I know that feeling so well, or at least a feeling that I describe similarly to the way you do. Lack of control over your own actions, like you're watching someone else's life on TV and are aware of the actions but don't care enough to change them because its not really happening. Only it is. And then you're left with chaos, an extreme amount of damage that seems irreparable. And you've got no idea how to cope. Death seems like a welcome friend. But it's not. Trust me on that, it's not! We're here for you. I promise.
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