hey, please don't read this if you get triggered by certain stuff, but i relapsed and i really need some answers to stuff.
i don't understand why everyone is so against sh?? i feel happy after, i don't know if anyone else has that, and while in pain i have the confidence to look in the mirror and say am pretty, i can walk out the door with a smile on my face, i can look out the window and the world looks a better place, i can feel strong, talk to people easier, i realize the good things i have in my life. Maybe its just the realization of what i have in life after the pain takes away the bad aspects? But the pain masks my fears and i don't see how else i can deal with out it.
i'm not trying to promote sh as a good thing i just don't understand how it can lift my mood, and for annoying people in my life who don't understand i am trying to look for a way to quit but lately i don't know if i want to and i don't know what to do???
People who have never self harmed often don't understand it - is there any way you could explain to the people in your life?
SH feels good at the time, but it's unhealthy hun. There are other ways to feel good, and the fact that you need to hurt yourself to feel better is a sign that there are underlying emotional issues that will only aggravate your SH until it begins to seriously put your life at risk. There are ways to feel better that don't involve pain or scarring or trips to doctors.
I know how scary it is being asking to give up self harm, as usually it's the last coping mechanism we have that works. it can be terrifying, the idea of living without self harm to fall back on if something bad happens or you start to feel down again. It's normal to be scared. But it's still something you should try to do.
Do you have any professionals around to help you decide if and how you can stop/manage your SH? I promise there will come a time when you don't need it. *hugs*
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
Thanks your the only one that replied :) and I can't explain to people no one understands and most don't want to listen to me. Plus I don't like complaining about myself to people :/
It doesn't seem like there will ever be a time when I don't need it, I'm just too reliant on it. I just want some other way to feel happy but nothing works. And I like the scars, I refuse to go to the doctors and even when I want to no one will take me anyway so I eventually continue to just keep quiet.
And I'm scared, I've always been scared of how I have no choice to stop and that I think people will notice I'm "different" when I don't hide behind a mask of pain. Everyone at school noticed I was in a good mood (only 3 people in school know about my sh ) and they were saying how am back to the old me (happy) just because I'd relapsed so was hyper :/
And still haven't heard anything about my counselling even though the referral has been sent off two months ago, seeing my school nurse again since I confessed to her that I wanted to kill myself so she is now seeing more
hey i get where your coming from, sometimes it helps and makes things easier and you feel like you coped with something and it helped when nothing else did.
Especially when i was doing it a lot i didnt see the big deal and it felt like a food thing.
but i dont think anyone can ever really be happy whilst they are SH.
if someone is emotionally ok, they wont want to SH or cope with SH.
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
i'm not emotionally ok though and don't think i ever can be. and i have had enough of upsetting other people when am sad or slightly moody because i have to deal with out sh, everything is so much easier with sh and i don't see everyone's problem, maybe its just like a phase and i'll grow out of it when my life settles down?? but quitting is just too stressful on top of stuff and makes me feel more miserable and more depressed :(
I think it's very confusing when you're dealing with peoples reactions to SH - it hurts them to see the cuts/know we do it but at the same time it stops us being unhappy/moody etc when we're with people we love.
In the end though I think the bad side of SH outweighs the positive...while it might be a relief for a while we do end up going back to it and it escalates. People we love who don't SH don't want us hurt and can't understand us doing it to ourselves.
For me, when I finally decided to start on this long road to recovery I had to weigh up the short term positives with the long term negatives. In the end the negatives won so I decided recovery was best. However, you need to feel ready to do so, if you're not you won't carry on with the recovery.
One thing I will say though is; you say 'I'm not emotionally okay though and don't think I ever can be'...I disagree. I think you can be 'okay'. I think you will look back on this one day and be glad you beat it in the end. You'll see it as a part of your past but be glad it's not in your future. I believe in you.
When you're stressed SH can be a relief but there's other things out there which can calm you down when stressed too.
I think it's good you're seeing your school nurse again, try to be honest about it and she'll help you as best she can. Hopefully your counselor will be able to help you find ways to deal without SH when you're ready. Counselling can have very long waiting lists, but maybe it'd help to ask whoever referred your to find out how it's going?
Take care of yourself.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
and all i can think about when i get urges are the positives and how i just want to stop feeling sad (or however else i might be feeling) but i've found lately that it doesn't work, i cut and i don't feel anything and i just try for ages and it won't cut through and it only hurts while cutting it stops straight after, eventually i get deep enough so it really hurts and that's when its too difficult to stop :( yesterday i woke up from dissociation in a bath full of blood... scared me a bit (well it wasn't too bad, it sounds terrible when i word it like that but i mean so the blood had just started turning the water red) the scary part is if my bf hadn't have rung me i don't know what would have happened :L
and my nurse said how i would look back on it in future and stuffs, she is also chasing up my referral for me
maybe you could make a list of long term consequences during a time that you're not having urges, and hang onto it to remind yourself of them when you're in the middle of an urge. sometimes a reminder can help shift our focus back to long term
when i think of emotions and urges, i've learned to think of them as waves. we've got to ride them all the way up to peak intensity and all the way back down. it is uncomfortable, but not at all impossible. harming is like an escape hatch part way up... only it sends you back to where you were before, and you still have to face the wave eventually. but the more times you choose to ride the entire wave, the more confident you'll become in your own ability to do that, and the less you'll feel like you need the emergency exit out...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
