Thanks Beckie, that's kind of you. I have considered copying stuff directly from here and showing it to people in its raw form but then I look back at it and don't think it explains anything either.
The evenings are so horrible and I hate them. I did end up burning again last night and considered going out to attempt suicide after doing some research. I thought about phoning crisis first but felt too anxious and also felt like they would be busy. I did speak to someone when they phoned me but I don't think they understood how awful things are and mostly just spoke about general stuff. It's my fault that I can't get my pain across to people.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think you should print out some of your entries from here (and not change your mind about showing it to people). You might not think it explains things very well but I think it does... and it's better to try and communicate something in this format than not at all, especially if you think nothing else is working.
Thanks NP. I will give it a go when I see my CPN. Wouldn't really be able to show it to crisis etc so will have to make do with the phone calls for now. I'm seeing my CPN on the 19th and also seeing my psych after that so I really should try and prepare something to get the most from seeing them both.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
There are loads of things about A&E being busy so I will avoid adding to their workload. I'm reasonably ok tonight although I just had a phone call from crisis and I sounded absolutely ridiculous voice wise and what I was saying. It was someone I haven't spoken to before so she'll have a bad first impression of me. Because I'm ok tonight I've not to get a phone call tomorrow night, just on Thursday which is kind of fine because I hate phone calls but kind of not because if I need to phone I won't phone. When they were phoning me it meant I had to answer and speak to someone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yes, they phoned yesterday but I didn't say much just told them phone calls are too scary. My plan is due to be reviewed on Sunday so they said they won't phone again until then. They actually phoned on Wednesday too but I didn't answer or call them back because I wasn't prepared. They left a message asking me to phone back and let them know I was alright but didn't try calling again. I could have not been alright and that's why I didn't phone but I know people assume I'm just too anxious to phone. I need to sort myself out with regards to phone calls since it's the only way to access support. I don't feel able to ask for visits or ask to end the phone call half way through despite these things being on my phone plan. Last night they asked if I thought I was well enough to not have phone calls and I said probably, but it's just that phone calls don't suit me and I can't ask for visits. I have been safe enough anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks NP. I could maybe put the TV on in the background but I feel like I should be focusing on something that isn't a waste of time.
I kind of want to be going out in the early evening, just to the supermarket or a closer shop, because it passes some of the time and I'm not stuck in the house all evening.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Do you think it would be safe for you to go out to places like the supermarket on an evening? You've mentioned previously that you feel a stronger need to buy tablets on an evening. I can understand the wish to go out, however. Do you think going to the gym or swimming on an evening might help or would you feel too exposed?
Would it help to focus on an evening if there was an end goal, for example if you were knitting hats for homeless people? Knowing that they would benefit might feel more motivating and give you a sense of purpose. Or does the lack of focus not really work like that for you?
I've been out a couple of times in the evening recently and haven't bought anything to OD on but I do realise that it is a possibility. I just feel so trapped at home during the evening and I get really distressed not knowing how to occupy myself. I try TV and reading and colouring, but my brain is all over the place and doesn't allow me to do much even when I try doing things while listening to white noise which used to help. My support worker said maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be doing something and I also think a lot of things are a waste of time and she's trying to get me to see that it's my time and I should do what I want with it. I don't know what I want to do most of the time though. In hospital I'm quite 'happy' to allow myself to sit and look out the window but that wouldn't be allowed at home. Also in hospital when I'm allowed out I go for short walks around the grounds in between activities and that helps but I don't really feel safe doing that here because people might attack me or even just look at me. I wouldn't like to do a big activity in the evening like the gym, and also it's a long walk to the leisure centre.
The lack of focus is basically just a lack of concentration on most things other than internet shopping which I really need to stop doing. I think I'd feel pressured if I had a goal to achieve. I'm sorry if I seem to be pushing away your ideas, I appreciate any ideas that you have.
I've thought about putting the TV on but I'm kind of scared to because I only watch TV when it's something I really want to watch and I try to focus on the programme rather than doing other things at the same time. Plus if I put the TV on early I worry that I'll get bored of TV and then later on when I'd usually put the TV on it would be even harder to watch and I'd end up just going to bed really early or something. I need to stick to my bed time as much as possible so I don't end up in the messed up sleeping pattern I used to be in which made me very suicidal.
I was at the treatment room today and they said my burn is healing ok and I don't need to come back just look after it myself. I feel like I need to do more damage because I shouldn't be allowed to heal. I haven't self harmed in 4 days and that is wrong of me. I might further be distracted from self harming if I care for the healing burn. I want to do something huge. I want to overdose. I'm sick of whatever part of me keeps resisting these things. I wish I could at least phone crisis easily.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm feeling really low. Crisis phoned to review my plan but of course I didn't answer the phone and they left a message asking me to phone back but I don't think I can. I really wish I could sort out my phone issues. Luckily I'm seeing my CPN on Thursday, she's back next week but I think she's off some of the days and I don't want to contact her before Thursday because that will be a waste of her time since I'll be seeing her anyway. I've also got an appointment with my psychiatrist on the same day and my CPN is going to come in with me. I'm not sure what is important to bring up. Nothing I guess. I'm surviving. I don't think anything can be done about anything.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow then after that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and my CPN is coming with me to that also (I hope, because she's actually on Duty/Crisis tomorrow so I don't know if she's even allowed to block all that time off to see me). Does anyone have any advice about how I can make the most of the appointments and accurately explain my distress etc? It might be quite difficult having the appointments one after the other. I know that if I can explain things to my CPN then she might be able to help me explain things to my psychiatrist if I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed by so much contact. I have the gym group before both of these appointments too so I'm really hoping I'm not going to be so exhausted that I just shut down and shut up during the appointments.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Do you have any thoughts on what the psychiatrist might be able to provide to help with the distress? Maybe if you have an idea, then you could ask your CPN for help with communicating that and might find you get more out of the appointment?
I like to take a list of things I want to discuss if I feel a bit stuck on communicating. I don't know if that's something you'd find helpful or whether there are any particular words or phrases you can think of which help you express things best.
Sorry that's probably not much help, it's all I can think of. Maybe your CPN might have some ideas on how to communicate the distress as she knows you well?
Sorry Lindsay, I remember now you've said a few times you don't know what you need and find that hard. If there is something though, it's okay to ask for x
Thank you. I don't think my psychiatrist can actually do anything, I never even considered thinking about asking for something (whatever that might be) I just go to these appointments expecting to just give a general update about things. I'm wondering right now if there is even anything to explain, recently. I don't know if I've even been that bad. Things were intense at points while my CPN was off and I want to explain that but it's hard when I'm not in the exact moment. I have copied some things from here and from my blog and written in general what has been going on. There's nothing even going on, is there? I am fine. I am a fake. Generally things seem to calm down before appointments so then I feel like there is nothing to communicate. I will fail to express anything. People only hear me when I cry hysterically, really. My words don't communicate much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Your words on here communicate a lot. But if you never choose to show them to anyone on your treatment team to let them know what is going on, they cannot make informed decisions or choices on how to help you since they don't have an accurate picture. Showing them what you write here and on your blog sounds like a really good idea.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Thanks, maybe it's just me that doesn't think they communicate much or maybe people respond in ways that I feel like they don't fully understand. I know that people can never fully understand an individual experience though. I'll see how it goes with showing her some of the raw stuff from here. I usually tone it down and summarise things.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
