And so here we are on my final list of the year and what a doozy. this has to be the biggest I've made yet. I shall return on Monday the 5th of January, probably with a New Year/2009 related special. I hope you've all enjoyed my little lists of bizarrity and I hope you can cope while I'm away.
Have a merry christmas, or whatever faith you celebrate.
Pagan Orgies to Human Sacrifice: The Bizarre Origins of Christmas
Christmas was not, as it turns out, miraculously handed down as a fully formed holiday, complete with wrapped gifts and blinking lights. Rather, it is a rich tapestry woven from countless inexplicable and pointless customs.
Why December 25th?
The Bible doesn't give a lot of clues as to what time of the year the birth of Jesus happened (i.e., "... they met many travelers along the way, for it was just three days before the final game of the NFL Season...") So, why December 25th? No one knows for sure.
One likely explanation is that early church leaders needed a holiday to distract Christians from the many pagan revelries occurring in late December. One of the revelries was The Saturnalia, a week-long festival celebrating the Romans' favorite agricultural god, Saturn. From December 17 until December 23, tomfoolery and pagan hijinks ensued, and by hijinks we mean gluttonous feasting, drunkenness, gambling and public nudity.
The Romans would also switch roles between masters and slaves for the occasion, so not only did the slaves get to pathetically lower their own sense of self-worth by participating in the charade of freedom, they also got to wear a
Pileus (roughly translated, "Freedom Hat").
Google Image Search result for "Freedom Hat" "Happy Saturnalia! Here's your freedom hat! We're equals!"
Slave: "Thank you, master!" (puts on hat and primps in the mirror)
Master: "Saturnalia is over! Give me back my hat! How dare you put a hat on your slave head! YOU SHALL TASTE THE WHIP TONIGHT, BOY.
One other pagan celebration that might have given
Christmas its date was Natalis Solis Invincti, which roughly translates to "Birthday of the Invincible Sun God," giving it officially the most awesome holiday name ever.
By the 12th century, the Christian Church had incorporated a few of the less-sinful pagan traditions into the 12 days of
Christmas. We only wish the public nudity could have been left in ... maybe on the 10th or 11th day. Along with the gambling. And the drinking. Then again, it appears everyday is Saturnalia in Vegas so maybe we'll just go there instead.
Santa
Our favorite morbidly obese, undiagnosed diabetic trespasser is actually a bastardization of the Dutch Sinterklaas, which was actually a bastardization of Saint Nikolas, the holier-than-thou Turkish bishop for whom the icon was named.
The actual saint was not, in fact, famous for making dispirited public appearances at shopping malls. Rather, he was known for
throwing purses of gold into a man's home in the cover of night so that the man wouldn't have to sell his daughters into prostitution.
So, back then
Christmas wasn't "get a new Xbox day." It was, "you don't have to become a filthy whore day." While it could be argued that this basically makes Nicholas the anti-pimp, we prefer to think of him as the Bible's answer to Travis Bickle.
Later, Martin Luther invented his own
Christmas symbol, Kristkindl, as part of his rejection of all things Catholic. What he came up with is by far the gayest of all
Christmas symbols, as Kristkindl is portrayed as a "blond, radiant veiled child figure with golden wings, wearing a flowing white robe and a sparkling jeweled crown, and carrying a small
Christmas tree or wand."
This is why you sometimes hear Santa referred to as "Kris Kringle."
Not surprisingly, most of the world has rejected his weird-ass version and over the years we've cobbled together our own Santa Claus: part Saint Nikolas, part Sinterklaas and part Norse god Odin. By
the 19th century American writers were describing Santa as wearing a red sash with a skin-tight red suit with white spotted fur at the fringes. He was basically all those other figures with a little Freddie Mercury thrown in.
Writers at the time were still calling Santa an "elf," including Clement Clark Moore in his famous poem
The Night Before Christmas. Perhaps the image of a dwarf-sized intruder seemed less threatening than a Chris Farley-sized version, but we're pretty sure we'd be more likely to piss our pants if an overly jolly costumed dwarf magically appeared and started hopping around our living room floor. The little person might just end up with a bullet in the head. Not that there's anything wrong with frolicking little people with a propensity for wearing elf garb, of course. Except that there totally is.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Some of you are disappointed that we explained Santa without mentioning that the modern image of him was invented for a Coca-Cola ad, as the Internet has probably told you. That's because
it isn't true. Come on, guys. Not everything in the Western World is based on some crass marketing campaign.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, however, is.
This signature character in
Christmas folklore, with his own song and movies and a mountain of yearly merchandise, was slapped together by the Montgomery Ward marketing team for a coloring book they were giving out. Prior to inventing Rudolph, they used to just buy the books and hand them out each Christmas, but in 1939 they figured it'd be cheaper to have one of their guys draw one up in his spare time. It's not like toddlers are great at detecting quality in these things.
So copywriter Robert L. May wrote it up, and created what turned out to be a marketing bonanza ... of which he didn't get paid a penny. A few years later the company actually let May have the rights to Rudolph, which was either an act of amazing corporate generosity or else they just assumed the Rudolph fad was over. After that, May's brother-in-law wrote up the song that you've no doubt heard every
Christmas since you were born. It became a huge hit and the Rudolph marketing empire was born, along with a permanent addition to the Santa legend.
That's right; Europe brought their real-life saints, Norse gods and rich cultural traditions to the table, and America slapped on a promotion from a department store. Who knows, maybe 300 years from now Santa's sleigh will be towed by Energizer Bunnies, long after society has forgotten what an "Energizer" is. And, maybe Santa will sport a cheap cardboard crown and a creepy frozen grin.
Making out under the
mistletoe
First of all, we'd love to know who actually puts up
mistletoe in the first place. Everybody knows about it, but does anybody actually
do it? We only see it in sitcoms and the occasional Hall and Oates
Christmas video, but we're 99 percent sure no one actually uses it in the 21st century.
Nevertheless, people who have enough sickening
Christmas spirit to purchase the plant, then find a nail, then grab a chair, then remember they forgot to get the hammer, go retrieve the hammer from the freakin' garage, and then hang the mistletoe, might be less likely to do so if they knew the origins of the plant. The word "mistletoe"
may be derived from the old German "mist," for dung, and "tang," for branch. That's right, the **** stick. As in, "let's go kiss under the **** stick, baby."
So how did people ever make the connection between the **** stick plant and romance? It goes back to the pagan belief that the white, sticky goo from the berries
was the semen of the gods.
There was also a Norse tradition that if two warriors should meet under some
mistletoe in the forest (it's a parasite that grows on tree branches) that they would lay down their arms and declare peace for the day. History does not indicate if this included sweaty, Norse man-kissing so we're forced to assume it did.
Both the Celts and the Druids used the plant as in ceremonial rituals, and as antidotes to poison, which was unfortunate, since
mistletoe is, in fact, poisonous. But, it was the English who finally made
mistletoe part of the holiday tradition. They used to cut a sprig of it from the previous year's holiday greens, then hang it in the house in some sort of voodoo attempt to ward off lightning and evil spirits.
Somehow all of that ridiculousness combined to create the "girl has to kiss you" tradition as it exists today (again, mostly on sitcoms). The invaluable American addition to the tradition is, of course, the drunken male placing the
mistletoe over his crotch.
Again, give it another couple centuries and that'll be the standard.
Decorating a tree
Question: What customary
Christmas holiday decoration bases its origins in ritualistic human sacrifice?
Answer: What, you can't read the heading? It's the
Christmas tree, you lazy bastard.
Back in the pagan day, all inanimate objects were fair game for worship. Trees, rocks, mountains, funny shaped sticks that look like phalluses, whatever. So supposedly some of the Norsemen got it in their heads to worship a thunder god named Thor
by ritualistically sacrificing humans and animals at the tree they designated "Thor's Oak."
Thor. Little did they know that Thor was too busy fighting the Incredible Hulk to notice the messy sacrifices.
You know who did notice? Christian missionaries. They notice everything. So, one missionary of the Christian persuasion, Winfred (aka Saint Boniface), came upon an imminent sacrifice and sternly disapproved. He took an ax and
chopped down Thor's freaking oak, which in itself should make him some sort of god by default. Of course, because of his boring ass monotheistic beliefs, instead of declaring himself the god of thunder, Winfred focussed on a tiny little fir tree that grew from the hacked trunk. And as all Cracked readers likely know, the fir trees' triangular shape represents the Trinity, and
voila, a Christian tradition was born.
However the tree did not, according to legend, spring out of the ground with little blinking lights and tin foil on it's branches. The thing with decorating the tree goes as far back as the 16th century, when people in Germany used to decorate their trees
with apples, a tradition we can only assume stemmed from some crooked tree salesman who ran out of apple trees one year and wouldn't admit it. Other decorations included
nuts and cheeses which again appears to be the same salesman testing the gullibility of his clients.
A guy brought the tradition to America in the 1800s, and when we say "a guy" we literally know who it was: a German immigrant named August Imgard. He was the first to stick little candy canes on it, and to put a star at the top. Whatever German strand of mental imbalance caused him to do that, this guy's spur-of-the-moment decoration idea now utterly pervades the imagery of the holiday. He was just a very bored German dude that needed a place to hang his candy canes.
We can go on and on about how different
Christmas would be without him, but of course his contribution pales in comparison to St. Boniface. Without him, when little Timmy runs down the stairs this
Christmas the only present he would find would be the gift of
human sacrifice.
6 Insane Christmas Traditions From Around the World
#6. Belgium
Belgium boasts not one, but two Santa Clauses, St. Nicholas and Pere Noel. St. Nicholas is the "bad cop" of the duo, and is all about reconnaissance. On Dec 4, he melts into the Belgian shadows to thoroughly investigate the backgrounds of unsuspecting children.
While American Santa conducts his "naughty/nice" tallies up at the North Pole through magic, St. Nick's Belgian operation seems less about enchantment and more about unsavory late-night stakeouts and countless anxiously smoked cigarettes. His methods, while morally disquieting, are effective. By Dec 6, St. Nick has all the dirt, which he passes along to Pere Noel in time for Christmas.
For the nice: presents; the naughty: twigs. Belgian Santa doesn't leave the naughty/nice debate open to interpretation. If you're bad, he takes the time to really rub your nose in it. Still, if he's tailed some poor Walloon kid around for the better part of a weekend, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that the little bastard deserved a handful of dirty sticks for Christmas.
At least the stick-receiving child might be able to join forces stateside with our naughty children, who get coal in their stockings. Between the two of them, they could get a warm fire going, the greatest gift of all.
#5. Brazil
The Brazilian Santa Claus is Papai Noel, who travels to Brazil every Christmas in breathable silks, (hey, cut him a break it's summer down there) and lives in Greenland for the rest of the year. The deviation speaks volumes, really. American Santa lives in a magic house in the remotest part of the world. Brazil Santa lives in Greenland; a country that, while cold and remote, is still little more than a few stopover flights away. It's unclear whether the change was made in an effort to make Santa Claus' ridiculous mythology a little more plausible, or if Brazilian children are just too poor to afford plane tickets, and Greenland might as well be on the goddamn moon for all the good it would do them.
Like America, Northern Brazil enjoys the tale of Jesus in a manger. In the Brazilian version, however, the shepherds are replaced by several shapely shepherdesses. Hoo damn, yes. Also, the manger animals talk, though they don't have a lot to say. Typical dialogue: "Christo nasceu (Christ is born)!" exclaims a rooster. "Onde (Where)?" asks a bull. Given that they're just animals, they can be forgiven for their clunky, expository dialogue, the purpose of which seems to be endlessly restating the obvious.
In the most radical departure, a renegade gypsy actually kidnaps the Christ child, and the three wise men have to get him back. It gives us a badly needed high octane third act to the entire enterprise, and also rinses out the aftertaste of all that dull business with the talking animals ("Eu estou em um celeiro (I am in a barn !," says a sheep). We can only assume that the whole kidnapping ordeal ends in a fight between the wise men and the gypsy on the top of a speeding train.
#4. Finland
On Christmas Eve in Finland, the entire family puts on their coats and heads to the cemetery to pay respects to the dead with candles and singing, a tribute that doubles as both touching Christmas tradition and traumatizing nightmare for Finnish children. It's telling to think that a child's only wish on Christmas Eve might be to "not get lost in the graveyard at night like last year."
Adding more fuel to the Santa Claus geography debate, the Finnish have their Santa (Joulupukki) living in the northern part of Finland, to the frustration of Greenland purists. According to fact site Virtual.Finland.fi (a boon for those of us who'd prefer to think of Finland in a non-physical, implied sense), Father Christmas "uses whatever means of transportation is best suited to the weather conditions." He has a sleigh drawn by team of reindeer, natch, but also a team of dogs, a car, an airplane, a snowmobile and even a helicopter. It sucks a bit of the magic out of Christmas to envision Santa living 20 miles up north, tooling around the woods on a snowmobile.
Plus, without the magical aspect to the toy distribution, cracks appear in the myth pretty quickly: How does he keep the snowmobile topped up with gas? Why the need for an airplane and a helicopter, and how is he landing either of them in the backyards of Finnish children? What does "whatever means of transportation is best suited" imply? Does Father Christmas have access to, say, a submarine if the need arises? Who's funding this?
#3. Estonia
Estonia claims their Christmas (Joulud) has no connection with Christianity at all; nonetheless, their decorations and customs look suspiciously Jesus-like. One of the most important Estonian peasant traditions involves the bringing home of authentic "Christmas straw," which is supposed to symbolize the manger. Whose manger, Estonia? The children are encouraged to frolic around in this filthy horse food and, with no other options given to them, most likely do just that.
Christmas Eve and Night are considered sacred, and Estonians use the two-day window for the exclusive purpose of fortune telling, predicting next year's weather and harvest. Ancestors' spirits are said to visit families' houses during this time. How they get along with the strange fortune tellers already mingling about the premises is not elaborated upon, though one suspects it's no more awkward than an American Christmas with ample amounts of egg nog and beer available.
Another of the oldest holiday traditions in Estonia is the Christmas Eve sauna, which is exactly as unappealing as it sounds. After being required to see all of your immediate family sweaty and nude, one might welcome the opportunity for a heart-to-heart with a relative visiting from beyond the grave.
#2. Latvia
Latvian Santa Claus goes by the charming moniker of Ziemmassve'tku veci'tis, or "Big Zimmer" for short. Old Zimzy is required to bring presents on each of the 12 days of Christmas. They work their Santa like a mule, make no mistake. Latvia also apparently holds the honor of inventing the Christmas tree. The next time you want a peek into the thought processes of a Latvian, keep in mind that they were the first people to decide, apropos of nothing, to chop down a tree and cover it with sprinkles.
Like Estonia, J.C. is nowhere to be found among the Christmas festivities. Instead, Latvians commemorate the rebirth of the Sun Maiden, a shifty-sounding girl who goes by the names Saule, Saul, Motule, Saules, Mate and many others. If you think it sounds a little suspicious to need this many names for the relatively simple business of pulling the sun around the sky on a golden-wheeled fire chariot, you're not alone.
The best-known Latvian Christmas tradition is an odd custom called mumming. "Mummers" wear an assortment of masks, the most traditional bearing the likeness bears, horses, goats, haystacks, gypsies, and, delightfully, living corpses. A bear or a goat would be pretty easy to pull off, but you've got to hand it to any Latvian designer given the thankless task of coming up with a haystack costume. Getting instructions like "It has to look exactly like a haystack, but with arms and legs and eyes and a face" every year would dampen the spirit of someone who didn't live in Latvia.
#1. Italy
Italian parents, presumably concerned over the pagan nature of modern-day Santa Claus, outlawed the practice of telling children that Santa delivered them their presents. Instead, the Vatican, unable to prove the existence of Santa but, for some reason certain about the existence of witches, decided to tell kids that a kindly old witch, La Befana, delivers them. Rock solid, Vatican.
According to legend, the Wise Men asked La Befana to accompany them to see the infant Jesus. She refused, saying she was too busy. Now there's a lady who doesn't want anyone to get the wrong impression about her.
WISEMAN No. 1
We're going to see the Baby Jesus be born this very eve.
BELFANA
I have a boyfriend.
WISEMAN No. 2
That's just fantastic. Would you like to come see the birth of Jesus?
BELFANA
He's as big as 10 wagons.
WISEMAN No. 3
That sounds nice. Would you like to watch the birth of God?
BELFANA sprays pepper spray in the Wisemen's faces, slams door.
After missing the wondrous sight of his birth, Belfana goes from house to house each year, leaving gifts and looking for the Christ child. Someone should tip her off that J.C. was last spotted in Brazil, being fought over like a fumbled football on top of a speeding train.
Classic Christmas movies everyone should watch at least once
A Christmas Story
(1983)
Before 1983, most people thought it was impossible to combine a heartwarming message entirely rooted in materialism with absolutely hilarious injuries to a child's eye. Thanks to Jean Shepard, we now know how wrong those people are.
VERDICT
With a script that stays hilarious even on the 23rd hour of the annual full-day marathon and an entire cast that doesn't miss a single beat, it's not just
the greatest Christmas comedy ever made—it's hands-down one of the Greatest Movies of All Time,
period.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
The fact that Darren McGavin didn't win an Oscar, a SAG award, and the Congressional Medal of Freedom for his role as the Old Man is the single greatest tragedy in the history of film.
Christmas Vacation
(1989)
It's rare that a film works so well on multiple levels, but the over-the-top slapstick comedy of John Hughes' script captures both the sheer manic joy of the Christmas spirit and the horrifying realization that you've got to spend time with your family.
VERDICT
The non-stop sequence of gags make this one a great comedy, but it's Randy Quaid's role as Clark's brain-damaged redneck cousin that makes this a movie you're going to want to watch every year to prepare yourself for your own relatives.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
There was once a time—before the painkillers, before the talk show, before
Karate Dog—when Chevy Chase was a box office draw.
Miracle on 34th Street
(1947)
The All-Time Champion of Christmas Comedies, and for good reason: it’s one of the only “heartwarming” Christmas movies that’s actually heartwarming, and sharp scenes like the scene where William Frawley explains why the judge can’t rule against Kris Kringle (pressure from the teamsters, naturally) are every bit as funny today as they were when this movie was released.
VERDICT
Come on: Edmund Gwenn’s completely earnest portrayal of an institutionalized Santa Claus taking the stand to prove he’s legit with the help of the US Postal Service? That’s the kind of scenario David E. Kelly
dreams of coming up with.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Even though it was filmed sixty years ago, this movie stands as the last time the role of a “precocious child” didn’t immediately make you want to strangle someone.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
(1966)
Yes, we know this isn't a feature film, but if there’s anything Ron Howard’s thoroughly unnecessary live-action remake proved, it’s that the Chuck Jones original is pretty much perfect. And since it crams more holiday cheer into 22 minutes than any animated short in recent memory, we’re going to go ahead and include it. If you have a problem with that, then we’ve got three words that best describe you, pal.
VERDICT
Remember the part when his tiny dog Max is forced to pull that heavy sleigh? Or when the Grinch steals that Christmas tree in front of the adorable Cindy Lou Who? Or Thurl Ravenscroft's infectious baritone on "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"? Of course you do, and it's because this film dominates as much mental real estate as our first sexual experiences. Especially for CRACKED Editor Justin Droms, who, since losing his virginity while watching The Grinch, cannot properly have sex without it being on in the room.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Thurl Ravenscroft was also the voice of Kellogg's Tony the Tiger until his death in May of 2005. So, you know, don't say you've never learned anything from this website.
Love Actually
(2003)
With something like twenty-eight interconnected love stories set at Christmas, it’s hard to pick just one moment to highlight, but trust us: Tim from
The Office trying to work up the courage to ask out the girl he’s pretending to have sex with as a stand-in for a porn flick is everything you’ve ever wanted from a holiday picture.
VERDICT
We might be in danger of losing our street cred as the manliest humorists alive by saying this, but that scene where Liam Neeson’s kid looks up at him and goes: “All right, Dad, let’s go get the **** kicked out of us by love” is probably the most badass and inspirational thing we’ve seen since the end of Rocky IV.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Every British person alive was cast in this movie.
The Ref
(1994)
Check out this bold claim:
The Ref is the best film starring Dennis Leary. Trust us, people. It took a lot of brave decision-making to write that with all the other movies eligible for that distinction. And we stand by it.
VERDICT
Surely, with all the attempted robbery and bondage, this one’s probably the darkest Christmas comedy of all time, but with a great performance from Kevin Spacey playing against type as a staggeringly dysfunctional suburban husband, that’s to be expected.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Dennis Leary broke into countless Boston apartments to research his role as the thieving Gus.
Underrated Christmas movies everyone should watch once
Elf
(2003)
Let's face it: Will Ferrell was born to play a spastic, toymaking elf, and with a cast featuring Bob Newhart, Ed Asner, Kyle Gass, Andy Richter, Amy Sedaris, and
The Station Agent's Peter Dinklage, this is the Christmas equivalent of
Zoolander.
VERDICT
Not only is it the funniest Christmas movie in ten years, but try putting Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone's cover of "Baby It's Cold Outside" on the stereo, and see if that doesn't get you some Yuletide Nookie.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
If you can make it through the scene where Will Ferrell answers the phone with a cheery "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?" without smiling, then you do not have a soul.
Scrooged
(1988)
Even before a single frame of what might be the most awesomely smarmy performance of Bill Murray's career, this movie's got Lee Majors defending Santa's Workshop with a machine gun and Robert Goulet caroling on a gondola in the middle of a swamp. That, friends, is what we like to call "comedy gold."
VERDICT
Since
Ghosbusters II is technically a New Year's flick,
Scrooged reigns supreme as the single greatest Bill Murray Christmas movie of all time.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
To this day, this is the only adaptation of
A Christmas Carol that features a copy of the Kama Sutra as a plot element. The one in the Alastair Sim version was cut.
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever
(1983)
Back before she turned to the worship of Satan in
The Craft, a young Fairuza Balk starred in a TV movie that took the cliche of a group of kids learning the true meaning of Christmas by putting on a show and makes it one of the funniest holiday specials ever.
VERDICT
Larry the Cable Guy notwithstanding, there aren’t a whole lot of ideas that write themselves quite like a bunch of white trash delinquents showing up and wrecking a hallowed tradition of Middle America.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever was based on Barbara Robinson’s novel of the same name. Unlike, say, 2002’s
The Christmas Shoes, which was based on a novel that was in turn based on a
really, really horrible song.
The Muppet Christmas Carol
(1992)
Like many Americans, our first encounter with Charles Dickens' classic novel was narrated by the inimitable Gonzo the Great. Along with Roots, this movie is one of the rare examples when the whole "the book is way better" claim is total horseshit.
VERDICT
While it's not necessarily the best Muppet movie,
The Muppet Christmas Carol is far and away Michael Caine's strongest performance. Of course, the only other films we've seen him in are
Jaws: The Revenge and
The Swarm, but chances are the rest of his career isn't much more impressive.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
When compiling any sort of Christmas movie list, you are mandated under federal law to include at least
two adaptations of
A Christmas Carol. Thankfully, there are roughly eight billion of them.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
(1991)
With only the addition of a sleepy-looking man and a pair of robots to make fun of it, a nearly-unwatchable 1964 holiday/sci-fi flick that never misses an opportunity to insult the intelligence of its audience becomes a thoroughly enjoyable episode of the television classic. It’s a
Christmas Miracle!
VERDICT
It might not be the funniest MST3K episode, but the host segments that feature the Roadhouse-themed song “A Patrick Swayze Christmas” and Tom Servo’s reading of “A Child’s Christmas in Space”—a schmaltzy essay that quickly devolves into Santa and the Reindeer undergoing explosive decompression—are worth the price of the DVD alone.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the single greatest movie title ever written.
Overrated Christmas movies that just aren't as good as they try to be
Bad Santa
(2003)
Your opinion of this movie is probably highly influenced by whether or not your definition of Christmas includes sweaty intercourse with Lorelei Gilmore in a parking lot, but how much laugh-out-loud hilarity can you rightfully expect from a movie that opens with Billy Bob Thornton throwing up in a back alley under narration about his abusive father?
VERDICT
Even with a few genuinely funny moments, there just aren't enough laughs in this movie to make up for a wandering, aimless plot that doesn't bother to make any of the characters likeable whatsoever, with the exception of Lauren Graham's Santa-fetishist bartender.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
With 147 variations of the word "****" in the theatrical release (and 33 more in the home version),
Bad Santa contains more profanity than any other Christmas movie. And in this case, "profanity" is not to be confused with "quality."
Home Alone
(1990)
It's not really clear how a movie that revolves around child endangerment and a family completely forgetting the existence of one of their children for a week got to be regarded as a holiday classic, but it still manages to get airtime every Thanksgiving.
VERDICT
Even if you're still stinging from the pain of
My Cousin Vinny, there are only so many times you can watch a precocious youngster smack Joe Pesci in the face with a paint bucket.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Home Alone is actually banned in Poland, leading many to believe that the Poles are a lot more film-savvy than previously thought.
The Santa Clause
(1994)
By the time the subgenre of “Grumpy Curmudgeon Becomes Santa” films included both Jim Varney and Whoopi Goldberg, somebody should’ve realized that we needed another one about as much as we needed Cedric the Entertainer’s
Honeymooners remake. That said, Tim Allen’s first big Christmas movie is the best of the lot, even if it never bothers to explain why Judge Reinhold never got his weenie whistle in the first place.
VERDICT
Is it funny? Certainly! Is it funny enough to warrant two sequels? Yeah, not so much.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Any movie that contains the line “We’re your worst nightmare: Elves with attitude!” does not, under any circumstances, deserve to be regarded as a holiday classic.
The Nightmare Before Christmas
(1993)
If only the real world had holiday-themed towns like those in
The Nightmare Before Christmas. Oh man, we'd pack up shop and move to Mardi Gras-opolis and party all day and all night. And then we'd go **** **** up in Earth Dayville like it was nobody's business. We're the coolest.
VERDICT
Although habitual point-misser Tim Burton manages to work up clay characters that are slightly spookier than the Heat Miser from “The Christmas Without A Santa Claus,” we’re pretty sure we could’ve gotten along okay if he’d left this one in the basement at the Alamo.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Despite what you may have heard from the folks down at your local Hot Topic, wearing a shirt with Jack Skellington on it to your Vampire: The Masquerade session doesn’t actually make you a unique little snowflake. It just makes it easier to identify you as a misunderstood poet who happens to work part-time down at Orange Julius.
Totally crap Christmas movies you should avoid at all costs.
Eight Crazy Nights
(2002)
On the unfathomably tiny chance that you've ever found yourself watching, say,
The Waterboy and wished it was a cartoon, less funny, and featured Sandler's ear-splitting baby voice for seventy-six minutes, then Happy Hanukkah, pal. This one's for you.
VERDICT
Coming as a complete surprise to absolutely nobody, an animated movie narrated by Rob Schneider where a young Adam Sandler learns the true meaning of Hanukkah at the expense of a disabled midget is every bit as terrible as it sounds. It is, however, surprisingly well-animated.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
If you're Jewish, your choices for holiday-themed entertainment are pretty much limited to this and that one
Rugrats special. And that sucks.
Surviving Christmas
(2004)
Right from the mean-spirited opening montage that includes an old lady sticking her head in the oven, this Ben Affleck/James Gandolfini trainwreck manages to be both depressing and obnoxious right to the closing credits. There's a reason it hit video nine weeks after its theatrical release.
VERDICT
When you're watching a movie this heartless and devoid of warmth, you've got to make your own fun. Grab yourself a bottle of bourbon and do a shot every time you want to punch a cast member right in the face. We guarantee you won't wake up until March.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Statistics have shown that the suicide rate goes up during the holidays. In 2004, that was pretty much all Affleck's fault.
Christmas with the Kranks (2004)
In one of the biggest examples of holiday dicketry to ever hit the big screen, the annoyingly spineless Kranks go so far as to aggressively insist that they won’t even respond to cheery greetings before they are forced to learn the True Meaning of Christmas. Which in this case apparently means giving in to Dan Aykroyd’s fascistic neighborhood dictator and lying wholeheartedly to your children.
VERDICT
When the comedic highlight of your movie revolves around brief appearances by Cheech Marin and Jake Busey, there’s probably a lot left to be desired on the comedy front.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Hands down, this is the worst Christmas movie starring a
Home Improvement alumnus. Count your blessings, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Jingle All the Way
(1996)
If you’ve ever wondered what the opposite of
A Charlie Brown Christmas would be like, look no further that a movie where the climax revolves around Arnold Schwarzenegger’s child not being able to tell it’s his own father dressed as a super-hero, despite the fact that he’s built like Conan the Barbarian and speaks with a heavy Austrian accent. And that’s
NOT the stupidest thing that happens in this movie.
VERDICT
Owing only to the presence of the late Phil Hartman, this movie is slightly better than
The Last Action Hero. Emphasis on “slightly.”
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Although it was later overturned, a court ruled in 2001 that 20th Century Fox stole the script for this thing from a high school teacher. That means that there are at least two people who want to claim responsibility for
Jingle All The Way, and
that just blew your mind.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
(1978)
Although it’s not usually categorized as a comedy, most of this classic of modern television revolves around Han Solo and a coked up Princess Leia helping Chewbacca’s charming relatives Itchy and Lumpy celebrate Wookiee Christmas, so one can pretty much assume it was intended to be funny. The actual result, however, is something a little bit closer to mind-bending horror.
VERDICT
As shocking as it might seem, Bea Arthur’s cantina-themed musical number opposite Art Carney does absolutely nothing to redeem this mess.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
Owing to the fact that it’s thoroughly awful, George Lucas has never released this one on video, even going so far as to buy all the master copies to ensure it was never broadcast again. Unfortunately, his policy of not releasing crap was completely abandoned by the time the
Star Wars prequels came out.
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
(1977)
This 1977 TV special is about a donkey with extraordinarily long ears that gets booted from the stable on account of his freakish appearance. It's set ancient Roman times and we think there's some sort of Jesus allegory at play.
VERDICT
It's one of those movies that you have to watch at least three times if you want to pick up on all the subtle allusions and idiosyncrasies, kind of like
The Big Lebowski.
FUN CHRISTMAS FACT
We've never seen it.
Yet more bizarre Christmas customs from around the world
1. Krampus
St. Nicholas, Father Christmas, or
SantaClaus is the weirdest Christmas tradition ever, but he is so well known and so well documented that his origins are beyond the scope of this particular post. As a tool to encourage good behavior in children, Santa serves as the carrot, and
Krampus is the stick. Krampus is the evil demon anti-Santa, or maybe his evil twin. Krampus Night is celebrated on December 5th, the eve of St. Nicholas Day in Austria and other parts of Europe. People dress as Krampus and roam the streets looking for someone to beat with a stick. Since it is also a night for drinking, the beatings probably don’t hurt much. (Image by Flickr user
salendron.)
2. Caga Tió
In English,
Caga Tió is “the pooping log”. Really. The Catalan custom is still celebrated in Spain, where you can buy your own el Caga Tió. The log is hollowed out, with legs and a face added. You must “feed” him every day beginning on December 8th. On Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, put him in the fireplace and beat him with sticks until he poops out small candies, fruits, and nuts. When he is through, the final object dropped is a salt herring, a garlic bulb, or an onion. Oh yeah, there is a traditional song the family can sing to encourage the process.
poop log,
poop turrón,
hazelnuts and cottage cheese,
if you don’t poop well,
I’ll hit you with a stick,
poop log!
3. Caganer
Another Catalonian tradition is the
Caganer, a Christmas statue found in nativity scenes in Andorra and parts of Spain, Italy, and Portugal. The scenes depict the entire town of Bethlehem, and the Caganer is usually tucked away in a corner, far from Mary and Joseph. The Caganer needs privacy, because he is defecating. There are quite a few explanations for this custom, but none have been confirmed as the original source. Caganers have been used for at least a couple hundred years. You can even buy Caganers that resemble
modern-day celebrities. (Image by Flickr users
clare_and_ben.)
4. The Pickle Ornament
The story goes that when German families decorate the Christmas tree, the last ornament to be hung is the
Christmas pickle -usually a blown glass ornament that may have been passed down through generations. It is tucked away in a hard-to-see spot (it is green, after all). The first child who finds the pickle on Christmas morning gets a special gift and good luck all the next year. The trouble with this legend is that people in Germany were
unfamiliar with it. Glass tree ornaments were indeed made in Germany, in the shape of fruits and vegetables and other objects. These ornaments became very popular in America when F.W. Woolworth began importing them in the 1880s. An old German legend no doubt helped to sell more glass ornaments! (Image by Flickr user
the queen of subtle.)
5. Kentucky Fried Chicken
The celebration of Christmas in Asia usually involves imported western traditions, but in
Japan those traditions have been shaped by commercial interests. The holiday places special emphasis on romantic love, so it’s a day to spend with a sweetheart or spouse. Bakeries sell
Christmas cakes as traditional sweetheart treats. And you might have to make
reservations.
to get a table at KFC. Yes,
Kentucky Fried Chicken. The fast food franchise let it be known that fried chicken is traditional for the Christmas feast. And so it is -in Japan. (Image by Flickr user
sleepytako.)
6. Zwarte Piet
Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter is Santa’s helper in the Netherlands. Sinterklass arrives on the eve of St. Nicholas Day in a steamship with his slave Zwarte Piet, portrayed in public processions in several cities. Since about 1850, children who don’t behave during the year were told that Black Peter might take them back to Spain, where Sinterklaas lives. The racist aspects of the custom have been downplayed in recent decades, and the tale of Black Peter now describes him as a chimney sweep instead of a slave, which explains the blackface. But charges of racism still follow
Black Peter, as he is often portrayed with an Afro and exaggerated features.
7. TV Yule Log
The Yule Log is a tradition that dates back hundreds of years. The
Yule Log on TV is a relatively new tradition for those who have no fireplace to burn their own log. WPIX in New
York has broadcast 24 hours of a burning fireplace on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day since
1966. The original film was shot at Gracie Mansion, but a
carpet fire during the first filming made the mayor wary of a reshoot a few years later, so the loop seen now was filmed in California.
8. Mari Lwyd
Mari Lwyd, an old midwinter custom in Wales, is a holdover from pagan celebrations before Christmas was introduced. Mari Lwyd means “gray mare” in English.
In its purest form (still to be seen at Llangynwyd, near Maesteg, every New Year’s Day) the tradition involves the arrival of the horse and its party at the door of the house or pub, where they sing several introductory verses. Then comes a battle of wits (known as pwnco) in which the people inside the door and the Mari party outside exchange challenges and insults in rhyme. At the end of the battle, which can be as long as the creativity of the two parties holds out, the Mari party enters with another song.
The horse in the above scenario is made of a
horse’s skull attached to a pole. The person operating the horse is concealed by sheets, and sometimes has a contraption to work the horses jaw! (Image by Flickr user
arosmae.)
Christmas Facts
Sure, most of us believe we know a lot about Christmas, but here are some interesting facts about this delightful holiday.- Pope Julius I declared Christ’s birthday as December 25th sometime during the 4th century.
- Christmas trees received their first written acknowledgement in Germany in 1531.
- The tradition of hanging stockings over the fireplace derived from Dutch children placing their shoes next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve. Stockings later replaced the shoes.
- Until the turkey, a goose was the most popular fare served at a Christmas meal.
- The popular Christmas carol Silent Night was written by an Austrian priest named Joseph Mohr in 1818 as a result of a broken church organ.
- Santa has a calculated 31 hours to thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west.
- Christmas trees such a Douglas fir and Evergreen are grown in all 50 states of America.
- The abbreviation of Christmas to Xmas partially comes from the Greek letter ‘chi’, the first letter of the word ‘Christos’, meaning ‘Christ’.
- Australian priests suggest saying “Happy Christmas” instead of Merry Christmas since “merry” often referred to drinking alcohol.
- Bing Crosby’s Christmas classic “White Christmas” is the best-selling Christmas song of all time.
- Alabama was the first state in America to proclaim Christmas day as a legal holiday in 1836.
- Oklahoma was the last state to proclaim Christmas day as a legal holiday in 1907.
- Poet Clark Moore is credited with naming Santa’s reindeer; Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, Dancer, Dasher, Doneder, Prancer, and the most famous reindeer, Rudolph.
- The colours in Santa Claus’ suit, red and white, were the creation of artist Haddon Sundblom. Sundblom was commissioned by the Coca-Cola Company to redesign Santa Claus, although, Thomas Nast was the first artist to illustrate Santa Claus.
- Austria issued the first Christmas stamp in 1937.
- The first United States President, Franklin Pierce, was the first in 1856 to decorate a Christmas tree in the White House.
- While working for inventor Thomas Edison, Edward Johnson had lights crafted especially for his Christmas tree leading to the popularization of Christmas tree light.
- The red stripe in the candy cane was intended by the inventor as the blood of Christ.
- Mistletoe myth states should a woman appearing under the mistletoe not receive a kiss, she will not marry the following year.
- The first Christmas card was designed by John Horsley in 1840 but was not sold until 1843.
- Christmas wreaths of holly and berries are believed to represent Christ’s thorns and blood.
- In Mexico, the poinsettia plant is called “Flower of the Holy Night”.
- Tinsel became a popular Christmas tree adornment after a mythical spider created sprawling webs from branch to branch. It is believe the Christ Child changed the webs to a silver colour.
* Santa Claus has many different names around the world including Father Christmas in the UK, Pere Noel in France, Kriss Kringle in Germany, La Befana in Italy, Julinesse in Denmark, Dedushka Moroz (meaning Grandfather Frost) in Russia and the Three Kings in Spain and Mexico.
* The word Christmas comes from
Cristes maesse, or "Christ's Mass." There is no set date for his birth in scripture and it wasn't celebrated on any particular day. However Christmas was first celebrated on the 25th of December in Rome in 336AD with an aim to replacing the popular pagan winter solstice celebrations
* The first Christmas card was designed in 1843 by J.C. Horsley
* The twelve days of Christmas are the days between Christmas Day and Epiphany (6th of January) and represent the length of time it took for the wise men from the East to visit the manger of Jesus after his birth.
* Popular belief holds that 3 wise men visited Bethlehem from the east bearing gifts. However there is no mention in the bible about the number of wise men who visited. Three gifts were brought - gold, frankincense and myrrh, but names commonly attributed to the wise men - Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar were added some 500 years later.
* The 26th of December is traditionally known as St Stephen's Day, but is more commonly known as Boxing Day. The reason it was called this is either alms boxes in church were opened and the money distributed to the poor, or alternatively it was named from the practice of servants receiving boxes of gifts from their employers on this day. Boxing day is NOT named after the practice of throwing out large numbers of boxes after Christmas!
* English Puritan leader Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas between 1647 and 1660 because he believed such celebrations were immoral for the holiest day of the year.
* The first postage stamp to commemorate Christmas was issued in Austria in 1937
Top 10 Best And Worst Christmas TV Specials
I’m sure most people have their favorite Christmas specials, but did you know that most of the five best were made in the 1960s, and all of the worst of the lot weren’t? Did you also know that three of the top five were based on songs, the fourth on a book and the fifth on one of the greatest comic strips of all time? In other words, the best ones were adapted from cultural icons. Most of the worst were adapted from flavors of the month.
Please note that this list covers only TV specials, not movies. Also, this is highly subjective; so, if your favorite isn’t here, submit your own list or just add it to the comments!
The Best Christmas TV Specials:
10 Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
1970
A special built around a beloved Christmas song (written by J. Fed Coots and Haven Gillespie and first performed on the Eddie Cantor show), this stop-motion show starred Fred Astaire as the narrator and Mickey Rooney as Kris Kringle/Santa Claus. It’s been a favorite for three decades.
9 Frosty the Snowman
1969
Ah, Frosty. What a hokey special designed around a silly-but-great Christmas song. Yet, this lovable special actually works and has become a perennial favorite. At the very least, kids of future generations will be introduced to the great Jimmy “the schnoz” Durante thanks to this special.
8 Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer
1964
Bumbles bounce! Did you know that? I didn’t—At least not until I first saw this terrific special, which has aired every year (several times, in fact) since 1964, making it the longest-running Christmas special. It’s based on the 1939 song written by Johnny Marks (Gene Autry turned it into a monster hit). Best parts: Burl Ives singing “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas,” and the Bumble attacks our heroes at the edge of the ocean. (Hey, when I was 7, that was scary stuff!)
7 How The Grinch Stole Christmas
1966
I almost made this number one. The great horror icon Boris “Frankenstein” Karloff provided fitting narrative and the voice of the Grinch. Quite possibly the most memorable song from any animated special—or series or film—is the great ditty “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch.” Best line: “The three words that describe you best are as follows and I quote: Stink. Stank. Stunk!”
6 Charlie Brown Christmas
1965
It’s the granddaddy of all Christmas specials. You have to read the
Wikipedia article to get a full understanding of the quirks and low production values that make this special so great. Selections from Vince Guaraldi’s brilliant soundtrack are features of Christmas music every year. And yes, the pinnacle is Linus reciting Luke chapter 2 as being the real meaning of Christmas.
The Worst Christmas TV Specials:
5 I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown
2004
Merry Chri$$$tmas, Charlie Brown. This excuse for a Peanuts special is quite a long way from its magnificent predecessor. Its crass commercialism contrasts sharply—and drearily—with the original’s quest for the true meaning of Christmas.
4 Christmas Comes to Pac-Land
between 1982 and 1984
Ah…um…yeah. Pac-Man and Christmas. This schlock-fest show was part of the annoying Hollywood trend of “it’s a successful video game/movie/song/catchphrase; so, let’s make a whole series around it!” Some worked (see the Best of list) but most didn’t—and still don’t.
3 Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special
1988
Never mind the sordid off-camera antics of Paul “Pee-Wee” Rubens; this special has enough problems. Amid the guest-star turns of Whoopi Goldberg, The Oprah, Joan Rivers, Zsa-Zsa Gabor and Charo, Pee-Wee has to contend with the problem of his “mounting fruitcake collection” and Santa demanding that he shorten his wish list! Oh, how terrible.
2 He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special
1985
You have got to be kidding. The king and queen of 1980s’ 30-minute toy commercials, He-Man and She-Ra saved Christmas from the evil forces of Skeletor and Hordak. (Man, I can’t even write that without losing IQ points.) Says Prince Adam at the end: “Though we celebrate it and get presents, Christmas is about caring, sharing and goodwill and its spirit is within all of us.” Translation: this hour-long special was designed to make you feel good about asking your parents to buy you more Masters of the Universe toys!
1 The Star Wars Holiday Special
1978
Jefferson Starship! Diahann Carroll! Art Carney! Harvey Korman! Bea Arthur! Don’t those names just scream “Star Wars”?? No? You’re right. Darth Lucas HATES this thing so much he never wants it released. But it is an absolute must-see—and not just for the first introduction of Boba Fett (nerd alert) but to see a what looks like an inebriated Carrie Fisher singing one of the most gag-inducing pieces of schlock ever made.
The 6 Best TV Show Rip-Offs of A Christmas Carol
Posted at 5:05 AM Dec 19, 2008
By Brian Heiler
Charles Dickens' novella
A Christmas Carol is a classic of the holidays and English literature. Its simple but uplifting tale of an old, miserly man getting visited by three chronally distinct ghosts and learning the spirit of Christmas has made it the perfect story to adapt to virtually any TV series. Since its publication in 1843, there have been several million jillion adaptations of
A Christmas Carol in both TV series, TV movies, cartoons, regular movies, and more, all of which aired in November (it's also public domain, which means any TV writing hack can blatantly steal it's concept and rewrite it to suite their needs and collect their fat paycheck as a result). Let
Topless Robot take you back on a nostalgic journey of just the TV show versions and stop you from bitching about the Muppets, because
A Muppet Christmas Carol was a theatrical movie, and you're thinking of the TV special
It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie was based on
It's a Wonderful Life (and was awesome and insane, but not appropriate to this list).
6) WKRP, "Bah Humbug"
The normally jolly and friendly radio station owner Mr. Carlson does a complete 180 and refuses to hand out Christmas bonuses to his misfit staff. After eating one of Johnny Fever's brownies, Carlson is treated to the typical visits from the ghosts played by the regular cast (this seems to be some sort of TV dogma when swiping Dickens). Loni Anderson plays the ghost of frightening cleavage, and we're also supposed to believe that a wig makes Gordon Jump look 20-years-old. Venus is the funky ghost of Christmas present and stoner Johnny, in no costume whatsoever, is the ghost of the future--a bleak place where radio is just a sterile corporate machine run by Herb Tarlack, a idiot with no taste. An eerie prophecy come true!
5) Family Ties, "A Keaton Christmas Carol"
[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=KNqKjR2Qb6o"]YouTube - Family Ties - A Keaton Chrismas Carol - Part Two[/ame]
Yuppie in training Alex P. Keaton decides that Christmas is a needless sentimental exercise, which seems the kind of thing to get you kicked out of the local Young Republicans, but no matter. Ghosts that look suspiciously like his awful sisters drop into his room, although Alex a doesn't for a minute seem bother that his sisters could be dead ( I don't know about you but if Tina Yothers mysteriously appeared in my house in the middle of the night I'd pretty much do anything she says out of complete fear). Alex is treated a to a future where he's a bald, overbearing miser who cares little for his destitute family. The fear of future baldness so fills him with the Christmas spirit and he purchases his family a bunch of crappy, thoughtless gifts at the 7-11. Oh, the '80s.
4) Six Million Dollar Man, "A Bionic Christmas Carol"
Forced to work on Christmas by his boss Oscar Goldman (who surprisingly is not visited by the Fembot of Christmas Future) Steve Austin becomes sympathetic to the plight of Bob Crandall, a hard working schlub being treated poorly by his employer/uncle Horton Budge. Steve dons a Santa suit and abuses his bionic power to convince Budge he's the various spirits of Christmas. This episode is notable for Lee Majors playing multiple roles and sporting a godawful Burt Reynolds-like moustache. A cheesy scene in a toy store also has Steve standing in front of a display of Kenner Bionic Man dolls, revealing that the true meaning of Christmas is a good, old-fashioned toy plug.
3) Alice, "Mel's Christmas Carol"
Ah, leave it to the employees of a dumpy Arizona diner to teach us the true value of the holidays! When Mel, played by TV icon Vic Tayback, fires his staff for refusing to work Christmas eve, he receives a visit from the ghost of his ex-partner (a very rare guest star ghost) and then Mel gives everyone their shitty minimum wage jobs back. Hooray!
2) A Black Adder Christmas Carol
[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WxmgS0JgCK4"]YouTube - Blackadder's Christmas Carol 5/5[/ame]
Seeing as the original story was British in origin, it makes sense that the Brits would do a great job of turning it around. In this "Episode 3" version of the tale, Ebenezer BlackAdder is nearly wiped out as the other characters take advantage of his giving nature on Christmas Eve. Predictably visited by a single ghost, Ebenezer is shown his somewhat despicable ancestors and two possible futures, one where he continues to be life's whipping boy throughout his future generations, and the other where he becomes a total bastard in the present, and his descendants rule the universe. Suffice to say, when BlackAdder wakes up on Christmas morning, he immediately kicks Tiny Tim down the stairs.
1) Sanford and Son, "Ebenezer Scrooge"
Fred Sanford is cranky, cheap, and wonderfully rude to Aunt Esther and his son's friends, meaning it's an average day at the Sanford household...except it's December 24th. So when Fred goes down to nap, three ghosts visit him. All of the ghosts are son Lamont in budget costumes (Christmas future has Lamont in a stylish spacesuit!). In the end, Fred is redeemed and filled with the Christmas spirit until the next episode when he goes back to being the exact same bastard as always.
[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WCDlqyCJLh4"]YouTube - Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special - Walter[/ame]
[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-ItOId-Y54g"]YouTube - Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special - Achmed[/ame]
[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3NB4hUUoGDw"]YouTube - Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special - Bubba J[/ame]
[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=DyKLzBus4h8"]YouTube - Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special - Peanut[/ame]
The Evil Santas of Science Fiction
When most of us think of Santa, we envision Coca-Cola's jolly old elf. But some Santas are more naughty than nice. We list some of the most evil scifi Clauses to stalk the Christmas skies.
Santron (The Avengers “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santron”): Virginia Hanlon was one of those kids who never got over the fact that Santa isn’t real. So as an adult, she builds Santron out of parts from Ultron-6. But Santron has some residual superhero-hating memory and decides to attack the Avengers. His only weakness? Holiday cookies.
Multiple Santa (The Tick “The Tick Loves Santa!”): Around the holidays, a thief dresses as Santa to elude the police. A run-in with a neon sign transforms him into Multiple Santa, giving him the ability to endlessly duplicate himself. The ever thick-skulled Tick naturally thinks the villain is the real Santa and finds himself powerless to stop him.
Robot Santa (Futurama “Xmas Story”): Mom’s Friendly Company built a robot Santa to judge the people of Earth and dole out presents to the nice and punishments to the naughty. But Santa’s standards proved too high and he judges everyone (save Dr. Zoidberg) as naughty, forcing people to board up their houses on Christmas Eve to escape his wrath. In a later episode, Bender takes up the Santa mantle with homicidal relish.
Boomer Katz (Batman “Wanted: Santa Claus – Dead or Alive”): Boomer Katz is a two-bit thief who takes a job as a department store Santa so he can rob the store. But in the spirit of the season, he has a change of heart, and Batman has to save him from the mob.
Brainstorm (Top 10): In a city where everyone has superpowers, a psychokinetic name William “Brainstorm” Bernhardt escapes from a psychiatric facility. Thinking he’s Santa Claus, he uses his ability to make reindeer fly (frightening one of them to death) and, with a small army of children, deems people he encounters naughty or nice. A ruling of “naughty” usually ends in property damage.
Cyber-Claus (“Cyber-Claus” by William Gibson): On Christmas Eve, a small invading force is detected closing in on DC. The sensors detect one biped and eight tiny quadrapeds. But before the defense forces can learn more, the heavyset invader is already slipping down the chimney.
User Santa (ReBoot “Firewall”): Whenever the User wins a game played in Mainframe, a chunk of the city is destroyed. In one game, the User plays Santa Claus, and Enzo and AnrAIa, playing as Snowmen, must defeat him to protect Mainframe.
Demon Santa (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): The Scooby Gang never actually encounters Santa, which is probably all for the best. Ex-demon Anya mentions in passing that Santa is not only real, he’s a fearsome demon who comes down the chimney to disembowel children. But at least he’s got reindeer.
Robot Santas (Doctor Who “The Christmas Invasion” and “The Runaway Bride”): Christmas invasions are practically routine in
Doctor Who’s London. Robot Santas herald the coming of the Sycorax, hunting down the weakened Doctor to clear the path for invasion. The following Christmas, they are employed by the Empress of the Racnoss and, in addition to trying to thwart the Doctor, rig a Christmas tree with deadly, deadly ornaments.
Post-Apocalyptic Santa (Woops! “Say It Ain’t So Santa”): Santa proves to be one of the few survivors of a nuclear holocaust that wipes out most of humanity. The six survivors of
Woops find Santa in their chimney, but he’s horribly depressed. It turns out that he had locked himself in his bomb shelter, and when he realized Mrs. Claus and the elves were still outside, his instinct for self-preservation seemed to outweigh his desire to save them (although apparently he didn’t really understand how to work the door).
Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas:) The King of Halloweentown also doesn't fit the bill of actual evil, but he does tend to be pathologically self-absorbed. Jack is a well-meaning, kind-hearted soul, but kidnapping Santa to resolve his identity crisis wasn't his moral high point.
Santa Doom (What The—?! “I’ll Be Doom For Christmas”): When Santa Claus lands on Castle Doom, he is injured by Doom’s defenses and has to take the night off. He implores Victor Von Doom to take his place, giving the supervillain an unlikely costume change.
Santa Zim (Invader Zim “The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever): Learning how much humans love Santa Claus, Zim puts on a Santa suit in his latest effort to conquer the Earth. He successfully takes over, but the suit takes over Zim’s personality, effectively turning him into Santa Claus. After Dib successfully separates Zim from the suit, he hurls it into space, where it transforms into a Santa monster and returns every year to attack the Earth.
Gun-Wielding Santa (“Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special”): The Easter Bunny, sick of Christmas overshadowing the other holidays, hires interstellar bounty hunter Lobo to take out Kris Kringle. And when Lobo reaches the North Pole, he finds that Santa is no less violent.
[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=t9ooZYjF0mI"]YouTube - The Lobo ParaMilitary Christmas Special[/ame]
Top 10 Unintentionally Scary Santas
No wonder so many children are terrified of Saint Nick. If any of these Santa Claus characters were part of my childhood I would be screaming and crying not to sit on his lap too. You may want to take your kids from the room before viewing this list of the Top 10 Most Unintentionally Scary Santas. It brings a whole new meaning to the words, “He knows when you are sleeping.” Chilling.
10. Angry Dwarf Santa Claus
Wow, this little guy will haunt your dreams and push out any thoughts of sugar plums. He is small to fit into the duct work wear he waits…for you. Photo by
ilovecoffeeyesido
9. Santa Claus as Michael Myers from Halloween…with Rouge
I can hear the music to the movie Halloween when I see this frightening visage. The sheer terror in the little girl rivals anything Jamie Lee Curtis could act out.
8. “I’ll Get You Kids” Santa
This imposing Santa is even scarier because of his Godzilla-like size. He could easily eat your child. Photo by
leshville
7. Santa Taking a Very Large Stinky Dump
And after he has eaten you, he poops you out. What really creeps me out about this defecating Santa is the pure evil poop-eating grin. Photo by Langston McEachern, uploaded by
mikerosebery
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/46/15...93132d.jpg?v=0
6. Evil Under Lighting Santa
This Santa sits at the entrance of a building. I can see the sign below. “Lose Hope All Who Enter This Place of Evil”. Photo by
jdtate101
5. Santa With His Sack…of Vengeance!
I can hear this Scary Santa saying, “Who has been a good boy this year? I’ll tell you who, no one! Now, into my sack of pain!” Photo by
iluvmesomefreaks
4. Drunk Molester Santa Out For A Stroll
Awww, Santa looks so cute, bumbling around clumsily. Wait, he’s drunk and he is after me. Run, while you still have your child-like innocence. Photo by
Bryan Collins
3. “You’ve Been Naughty…Time to Die” Santa
This large scary Santa is obviously angry about all the naughty boys and girls. He has the size and the attitude to make your Christmas a Christmas to dismember! Photo by
wir-click-wir
2. Evil Asian Santa Who Had Too Much To Drink
This red-cheeked Santa is too drunk to car who he hurts. The only gift he is giving is the gift of life-long therapy. Photo by
nailmaker
1. Creepy Santa That Guards the Door…To Hell
The most disturbing thing about this diminutive Santa reject, besides his freakish cone head is his oddly splayed fingers. Almost as if the pinky was broken in some dwarf tossing related bar fight.
Hopeflly you can still have a Merry Christmas after viewing this collection of terrifyingly scary Santas. Photo by
Konketsu
Top 10 Ways Not to Visit Santa
Lists:
All,
Bizarre,
Humor,
Photos ; Written or Posted by:
TopTenz Master
Who doesn’t love the time-honored tradition of having their child pictured on Santa’s lap? Nothing is more cute than to see little Timmy or Sally smiling brightly on Santa’s lap while sharing their most heart-felt wishes and desires for Christmas morning. Of course, this is the stuff of Hollywood. More often than not, this special event is tainted by the horrifying screams of children forced to sit on a strange man’s lap while having it documented forever. Documented for your viewing pleasure, I should add.
There are many lists showing large numbers children-scared-of-Santa photographs but I have decided to break it down into scientific categories. After looking through hundreds upon hundreds of frightened children crying on Santa’s lap I noticed some patterns. My time is your reward as I show you the top 10 Ways Not to Visit Santa. Add your own categories by commenting.
All Santa photos can be clicked to view a larger image.
Bloody Murder Scream
The purest showing of terror: The Bloody Murder Scream. These children held nothing back and let their primal terror be heard. Will the screaming ever end?
The Screaming Choir
Anytime you subject more than one child to a scarring event such as sitting on Santas lap, why not add another child to the fun. Multiple children mean multiple screaming. The unholy cacophony reaches the North Pole.
No Escape
Some Moms are sadistic enough in their blind desire to see their child sit with Saint Nick that they forcibly hold their screaming child in proximity. Hello, Mommy Dearest.
Slip Sliding Away
As all parent know, the young child’s best escape plans involve the slip-through or the arm raise. This simple maneuver allows the child to slide effortlessly from any grip Santa may have. Let gravity and a limp body do the work.
The Scream and Reach
When screaming to go the next step involves reaching out for help, and so we have the scream and reach. Unfortunately the person who you are reaching for is the one that put you there. You are grasping for straws…and therapy years later.
What’s Your Problem?
Sometimes one child is brave enough to smile or may actually be enjoying this Christmas tradition so much they are either oblivious or don’t care that their sibling is having a mini-coronary. One child screams and the other wonders what all the ruckus is. Oh, the looks by these Santa faces are the best of the bunch.
Scream and Stare
Sometime you scream into the void but sometimes you cannot look away from the horror. Looking at the man in the red hat while crying for the moment to be over may be the longest 2 minutes of your young life. When its over you know you have looked evil in the eye and overcome.
WTF or I Will Not Cry, As God is my Witness…
These kids have refused to give into the fear, but they still are wrapped in an uneasiness that can’t be denied. So while the terror that wells within them is trapped, it still lays in their stomachs like cold rock.
I Gotta Get Outta Here
Some brave children know that the only way to avoid the Red Santa is to run. And run they do, escaping with their live and, if they are lucky, their sanity. Of course, good ol’ Mom or Dad will soon be dragging their limp bodies back for more.
This Ain’t Worth Minimum Wage
Here is a shout out to all the Santa Claus’ who have given up after hours upon hours of crying, screaming, wetting, begging, fighting and loud children. The looks on these dejected, worn out and exhausted Santa faces say it all.
And finally, my favorite picture. A face only a mother could love.
[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TWswBV1em-4"]YouTube - Doctor Who Christmas Special 2008 Trailer - BBC One[/ame]
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