Opinions / Advice on Life Situation
I'm a messy writer and this is the first time I'm asking anyone for help and I don't write in Forums so sorry if I'm incomprehensible. I'll gladly answer any Questions. Thank you for taking your time and listening to me.
I have enough of waiting for something to happen so I want to try asking for other Opinions. I don't think my Family (mom) understands and the few Friends I have, have their own worries. So I'll start here on the Internet.
I'll be turning 20 soon and I don't know what I should or want to do. I don't know how to form this so I will just try to kinda describe what my Life was like. I was a pretty "normal" Child but if I remember correctly I started acting out when I was maybe 12.
I don't remember much about the time but I do remember I didn't like my mom and we fought a lot because I felt mistreated. But I didn't get abused or anything so there was no Reason for it as far as I remember.
I do remember however that I thought about suicide by Jumping from my 3m Window as stupid as that sounds. Can't remember anything that could've caused thoughts like that. Luckily I never tried to hurt myself and just lived a else carefree Childhood / School life. However I was getting more and more Neutral and in comparison to other Kids I was much more quiet.
Occasionally visited my Father and was always in my own mind playing and dreaming around. When I got older and got more concious of my surroundings, I was sadly out of Touch with my Father and when I was 16 he died just as I started to get back in touch with him. So I only had a few real conversations with him.
If wish I could talk with him about this since he was similar in a way. Before I never thought about that so when he tried to talk to me about Life I didn't think much about it. With my Mom I never really talk about that she seems to only care about me in a shallow way. We are basically roommates as weird as that sounds.
Never liked the social Aspect of School as it was hard for me to find other Kids that weren't annoying me. I have a habit of not liking People until I really get to know them.
After School I just continued School in the direction of Socialworks but Quit that after a year since I was tired of School and without any incentive I probably would've needed to repeat the last Year, since I get very lazy if I don't have a clear Goal in Mind.
Since then I've been working on off on different Kind of Full-Time and Part-time Jobs to pay bills and stay afloat. Trying to figure out the whole time what the hell I want to do to be happy. Had Career Discussions and Job finding Tests with Strengths etc. but I haven't found something that I can pour my Heart into AND make a living from.
I'm definetly Introverted so I don't need many Friends and I'm glad to know a few People that I occasionally meet and talk to, so I guess I'm fine socially although I never truly cared about another Person or had any Relationships.
Most of my time however I spend either looking for another Job or pursuing my Hobbies while worrying about the next Bill that flies into my Letterbox.
My Hobbies are kinda keeping me dstracted from thinking about my Situation. So in the past few Years I thought about Suicide a lot but I don't want to be the one at fault in a way.
I wouldn't mind and have Regrets if I died now but at the same time I don't want to kill myself since that could harm others wich I don't want. Also it makes no Sense and there is no Reason to do it since I'm not ill or in physical Pain. Rather than suicidal I'm more tired of Life I guess.
I think I need to be Happy more often and have a Purpose and Reason to live, but I don't know how to achive that. I feel like im running in Neutral all the time. I thought about gathering Money and just try to make and complete a Bucket list but what after that?
It might keep me busy for a while but since I don't have high anticipations or Goals, living in Bliss and maybe Traveling for a few Months would be possible but nothing Long-Term.
I like learning new Stuff but I don't aim to become the best at it. For instance I start something like learning an Instrument and keep at it until I know a bit about it, but I don't try to become the best and if I'm satisfied I loose ambition to aim higher.
I think of it like in a Game where you have unlocked and achieved everything you quit it since there is nothing left to do. I think in the end a Bucket List would be just like that.
Starting over by maybe moving in another Country could be something but as soon as Stress fades and you start to feel Home wouldn't you be in the same Situation?
When I think about this I feel uncomfortable with a Heavy Chest a feeling of a Force pushing me down Mentally so I'm having trouble actually making Decisions like this.
I have a feeling that I'm running out of Energy so I better try to Change something now where I'm still in a state where I can do something.
Would a psychiatrist be able to help? Can't imagine myself trying to explain my Mind to someone in Person. I feel weird pushing my Problems onto another Person. Although I'm basically doing it right now I don't feel bad about it since it's the Internet and nobody is forced to put with my Stuff.
I feel very Weird writing this.
So with all that said share your opinions and tips.
Thank you for listening :)