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Old 17-03-2010, 12:22 AM   #1
Illigran
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How did your parents / family react when you told them you were abused / assaulted?

This is a question to victims of sexual abuse (especially, but not only, to people who were victimized while they were still underage teenagers). What was your experience when you told your parents (and possibly your siblings as well) about the sexual abuse? Did they support you? Was there disbelief? Or did they try to belittle what has happened to you? Could they not cope with it because it hurt them almost as much as you?

I am asking this because I plan at one point to tell my family about what has happened to me. I will probably first tell my brother in the next weeks, who is 16 (one year younger than I am). We really love each other and I know he will respect my wish to keep it still a secret from my parents. I will wait to tell them for at least 6 months so that I am 18 by the time I tell them. Then they can no longer insist to file criminal charges against my wish, for that would be the last thing I want.

I will not tell anybody the name of my abuser. Apart from me and him, our counselor is the only person who knows what has happened, and she will remain the only person to be told his name. I could tell my brother his name, but that would be a stupid thing to do because he goes to the same school as I do and he would be needlessly afraid of the abuser (I know he no longer poses a danger but my brother would still be afraid). Not only do I not want to ruin his reputation ("rumours" spread very quick), I also want him to continue to be able to visit me often at my house now that we have become so close, which will of course no longer be possibly if my family learns that it was him who assaulted me. I know this sounds strange, but we have become friends and we both vowed to always support and protect each other and to stick together. And it has greatly helped me so far in healing. While nothing will ever make his guilt go away, his continuing kindness and support are beginning to counterbalance that guilt. I truly believe that it is possible to make up for a bad deed by committing many good deeds.

So, what has been your experience? Are there any reasons why I should not tell my parents? I do not want to hurt them needlessly, as I already am coping quite well with what has happened. So should I tell?


Last edited by Illigran : 17-03-2010 at 12:24 AM. Reason: correction
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Old 17-03-2010, 12:29 AM   #2
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didnt believe me/ acted like it never happened.

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Old 17-03-2010, 12:33 AM   #3
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hey, well done for wanting to tell your parents, thats really brave. when i told mine, i had a good and bad experience, my mum was really supportive, she didnt force me to go to the police or anything, she just let me know that she was there for me and looked after me, my dad, on the other hand, said i was lying, as you can guess, i was really hurt by this. but dont worry, i'm sure your parents will both be supportive, the problem with my dad was that he had just got engaged to my abusers mum :/



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Old 17-03-2010, 12:49 AM   #4
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my mam cried, but i didnt tell her my friend told her because she was worried about me, but then she just said that i really am stronger then she thought and just hugged me, and it hasnt been spoken about since.

But my sister on the other hand when i told her after my mam found out, she told me that i was lying, and if it did really happen that i let it happen because the guy that done it was nice and would never do anything like that and that i was a kid so it was my fault for not telling someone.

ah well she'll soon come to realise the truth and will be sorry for what she said.

*hugs* very brave wanting to tell your parents, hope they will support you.
take care x





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Old 17-03-2010, 12:01 PM   #5
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I only told my mam, she was very upset which I dont blame her for but it made it harder for me to see her so upset as the reson id kept quiet for so long was to protect her and my family. I think this was when I was about 16.

its been mentioned about twice since then. im not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. i really wish now id said something sooner, when i was 10 maybe, or when i was 8 or 9 and had my first really bad bout of anxiety which im sure now was to do with the abuse.

i think telling her was the right thing to do though.



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Old 17-03-2010, 12:35 PM   #6
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well done for wanting to tell them :) that's a brave thing to do.


My parents were some of my abusers, but not sexually, more physically and emotionally. When I told them what they were doing was wrong they sort of screamed at me and stuff...

Then when I was 16 and was raped for the first time I told my mum a few weeks later and she said I was lying...
A while later after a long period of sexual and physical abuse I moved back in with my parents and after a few weeks told them what had being happening and I as thrown out for "lying" as you "cannot be raped by a guy you're living with"...

so ye... my experiance of telling parents wasn't great... but to be fair my parents aren't great lol

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Old 17-03-2010, 01:11 PM   #7
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Out of my family, I told my eldest sister first over facebook (private) messages/msn in September 2008. Well over four years after it happened. It was really hard, but she helped me tell her and stuff immesley.

Then the following April, I started an attempt of suicide, but stuff happened and I finally realised the day to tell my mum about everything had suddenly arrived. With the help of my best friend, I wrote a very long letter and left it for her. She asked me questions about it but not much & left it.

However, my dad still doesn't know. As by the time I'd told my Mum, they'd seperated. I am considering letting him in. I haven't done it to this point as our relationship has been very rocky but has improved and gotten stronger. Also, I know he would actual want to hurt the person. I don't want him to get into trouble. Am still scared about he'd react with me...



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Old 17-03-2010, 01:44 PM   #8
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Since my mother is an alcoholic, she doesn't really care or take things seriously & she has a **** memory.

She acts as if it never happened, & when I try to talk about things in the past, she just says "That happened a long time ago" and nothing further...

We never really talk anyway, & when we do, it's mostly negative.


When my surrogate dad found out, he was angry & shocked, but he was very supportive to me & he believed me & reassured me, which I desperately needed. He still does.



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Old 18-03-2010, 01:01 AM   #9
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that was very brave of you for telling your parents about it..

I had told my mom last August and told her about everything about him (cousin). she was shocked, believed me, & support me. She knows how to look after me when I'm not going to their houses which is good!

Other hand, my other family members doesn't know but I almost talk to my aunt last July but couldn't cause I was scared to tell her about it but I finally told my mom about it.

Pretty soon, they looks like about to find out for this year:S...I'm trying to stay strong for once and all!





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Old 18-03-2010, 03:29 AM   #10
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My parents were the usual: their heads were buried in the sand...just did not want to accept the fact that I was (at the time) and have been abused in every form (physical, emotional, sexual). It had to take physical evidence for them to do something about it; grades dropping and severe depression wasn't enough, they just thought I stopped caring about school. When I was afraid to go to school being 13, my mom knew something was wrong and put that creeper's butt in juvenile detention. He was gone from school for months and then to my surprise, he came back acting like nothing happened....but he started going after straight-A girls and girls who were usually quiet and distant.

Another incident for me was when my mom's ex had an abnormal interest in only me, not my brother or my mom. He'd always ask about me, always try to talk to me, follow me to my room, and talk about how his second wife left him (and yes, he did cry like a pathetic baby) hoping I would sympathize him. I was struggling with issues of my own so I didn't know how to respond to this but sit there and listen. When I turned 17, I finally got him to admit the truth that he has thought about me sexually since I was 12 and always favored me. He got really jealous whenever I was dating a boy from school or if I showed an interest in dating someone a little older than me.

So after months and months of my mom and I stuck in this battle with him contact me and her via e-mail and phone, he gave up for awhile.......UNTIL I turned 18, and that's when he started it up again. He has tried recently (I am 19 now) but neither my mom or I want anything to do with him. She's been doing research and says he fits under the label of a sociopath.



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Old 19-03-2010, 06:56 PM   #11
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My mother and father didn't believe me. Unfortuantly, actually I wonder if they do believe me, just chose not to because of the pain it would cause them to know there daughter was raped. I don't know.

They weren't too supportive.

BUT!

My auntie and uncle were AMAZING.




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Old 19-03-2010, 09:01 PM   #12
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the first person I told about my first abuser was my best friend when we were younger, he told his mom and my mom and eventually my dad was told they were all very supportive except for my dad's wife who said "I'm not convinced you didnt want that to happen"
there's only a handful of people that know about the guy that r*ped me and my parents don't know about him.
I don't think I'd be able to tell them and hurt my mom like that
and as for my female abuser everyone knows about her and most of them are supportive
my mother wants to beleive that it was petty and that it was nothing
but my dad's been more supportive with me telling him then my mother.
my close friends told me that if she were to ever contact me or touch me again they'd handle it personally.



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Old 29-03-2010, 08:02 PM   #13
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called me a lier as alwlyas

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Old 30-03-2010, 03:38 AM   #14
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I'm so glad this thread was started. I'm thinking about tell my mom tonight and I'm so worried what she will say. Nothing like it has ever come up and I'm so nervous.

How did all of you go about telling them? (If you don't mind, of course, I don't want to bring back memories or anything bad for you.) I was thinking about starting with something like, "I've been hiding something for 15 years and I think I want to talk about it." After that, I'm really not sure what to say.

Going to take a shower and try to prepare/script for it.

*hugs*
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Old 30-03-2010, 04:22 AM   #15
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So I told her that I was molested. And she wants me to go into specifics so she has something to go on. I don't know what to say. I don't want to go into details into what happened she wants me to tell her exactly what happened and I don't want to go down that path. But I think I'm going to have to. At least she believes me...so far I guess.

We'll see how it goes.

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Old 30-03-2010, 03:39 PM   #16
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Maybe you could try writing down what happened in private and then show her later. Just tell her it's hard and really embarrassing in person so you'd rather write it down. *Hug*



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Old 05-04-2010, 08:24 PM   #17
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Honestly?

I still haven't. Simply because I know my family.

They'll ask questions, questions I'm not willing to awnser. (Due to the circumstances and my connections to the dude who raped me. Don't wanna get my friends in trouble.)

Besides, they won't believe me. They never do.

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Old 07-04-2010, 08:22 PM   #18
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Asked me if my grandad also did it to me.
There's so many questions and feelings that that raises in me. Such as did she know?





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Old 07-04-2010, 08:51 PM   #19
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Heidi could you ask her why she asked you that? It must be very confusing and difficult.

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Old 07-04-2010, 09:08 PM   #20
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I don't think so. We never spoke about it again and I don't think I want to. It'd hurt too much if she did know. I'd rather try kid myself that my grandad just looked like my mum's idea of what a paedophile would look like. I got told before christmas that I had to either forgive or forget to move on from these things, am attempting to do both,no point reopening old wounds and all that.





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