I've been lying to my boyfriend. What should I do?
I've started harming myself again, and I don't want to stop.
This turned out pretty long so I've put it under a thingy.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Boring details
Last time I quit because other people were worried about me. I think I need to actually want to stop doing it next time I attempt recovery. The urges are unbearable when I'm only trying to stop to appease other people. It's been horrible and I was unable to focus on schoolwork because I was thinking about cutting all the time. Next time I try to quit I want to have my own reasons for wanting to stop. For now I'm allowing myself to cut because I can't seem to quit/deal with reality without it.
I have not told my boyfriend about this. We're living a few hours apart right now so he can't see any of the physical damage. We've been together for two years, but we've been having some relationship issues lately because we never talk since he's ridiculously busy right now. He tries to make time for me and I still love him a ton, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that right now I feel distant from him and uncomfortable discussing my problems.
I feel guilty because he thinks the last time I hurt myself was months ago, and I know the right thing to do would be to come clean and let him know about what has been going on. Lying sucks.
But I don't want to talk to him about it. I feel that he would not understand my logic at all, and would make it into a huge fiasco and get really upset. I know it's because he cares, but no matter how I explain things to him he just doesn't seem to understand all my self injury stuff at all. When I was talking to him about this stuff before I always felt like I wasn't allowed to cut, which made me feel worse. Basically, it felt like there were all these rules related to recovery that I had to follow, and if I messed up I was in huge trouble and I had to tell him.
Now I feel very free because I feel in control of whether or not I cut. I try to fight the urges, but I don't feel like the world is ending if I mess up. I have been talking to a couple good friends a lot about how I'm feeling and they've been EXTREMELY helpful and understanding. They are always willing to talk to me and don't make a huge ordeal out of it when I cut. I'm honestly tearing up right now because I have never felt so loved ;A; They understand my thoughts better than he ever has (and probably ever will). So basically, aside from the guilt of being dishonest, I feel a lot better.
Condensed version: I feel bad about lying about quitting to my boyfriend, but I feel much happier in general without him knowing. What should I do?
I do understand why you don't want to tell your boyfriend since there's different things going on in your relationship, but the key to a healthy relationship is communication. If you don't have that then everything else will slowly start to go down hill. Maybe you can try writing him a letter and explain how you are feeling involving your harming and how he made you feel the last time you talked about it, but at the end of the day it's your own decision and you can't be forced to do something that you don't want to do.
As for recovery, I completely understand why you don't want to attempt it until you are in a place where you actually want to quit. In my opinion, I think that it is better to start now instead of later because things can get out of hand fast even when you think you are in control. That doesn't mean you have to quit cold turkey. It may be helpful, though, to try different types of distractions and finding healthier ways to cope with your emotions. Also, are you getting any sort of professional help? It may be worth a shot if you aren't.
That is excellent advice, I really appreciate it. I think I'm going to have to come clean, I'm just scared. Writing a letter is probably the best option, that way he can have some time to think it over before he responds.
I am getting professional help, but I haven't seen my therapist for the past month because of scheduling issues (she's been away for two weeks and I was away for the two weeks before that). I have an appointment Monday, so I'll try talking to her then about it :)
Right now I am trying to avoid cutting, but I guess my mindset is different than it was before. Before I was planning to quit forever, now I'm allowing myself to mess up sometimes. Most of the time I end up coping some other way, usually by talking to one of my friends or going somewhere. But you're right, I am worried that it will get worse or I'll stop trying alternatives. I don't want to go back to having cutting be my first/only resolution to being upset.
I think it's great that you are thinking about telling your boyfriend the truth. Another thing you can do along with the letter is to print out some information for him to read if he still doesn't completely understand or let him know that he can ask you questions about your feelings and cutting. My ex-boyfriend reacted the same way as your boyfriend when he found out about my cutting, but he would always ask me a lot of questions and that ended up help both of us out since he was able to understand more and I was able to talk and be distracted.
I'm not saying that cutting is an okay thing to do, but slip ups will usually happen. I was the same way when I first tried to stop where I would keep telling myself that if I quit then it will be forever without any slips which caused me to get worse. Something that helped me was to take it one day at a time. If that sounds overwhelming, then take it 10 minutes or an hour at a time until you end up feeling better or falling asleep. It definitely is possible and I can tell that you do want this so I'm sure you'll get there :)
also, you could say something like "i feel bad lying (even if just by omission) so i want you to know that i still cut sometimes. while i'm not trying to quit all together right now, i am trying to resist the urges and cope using things like (list things here...). i'm actually doing really well and not cutting most of the time. i don't want you to worry and i don't want you to pressure me to quit. i've learned from the past that quitting for good is something that i have to do for myself, and not for other people. i will let you know if there is anything you can do to help me, but at the moment i'm doing alright."
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Sorry I abandoned this thread for a bit, here's an update:
I sent my boyfriend a text yesterday explaining what has been going on and that I'm uncomfortable talking about it with him at the moment since we aren't having much contact (he's super busy until Fall). He reacted EXACTLY how I hoped he would ;A; He didn't flip out, he just said that he loved me and to let him know if there was anything he could do to help. I feel much better. Thank you both so much, your advice was very helpful and I appreciate it.