Angela
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
I am currently:
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Graphic - My past haunts me - graphic
****Please do not read if anything about s.e.x.u.a.l. abuse triggers you. ***
If this is not okay, please tell me, or delete it.
It has been a long time since I was last on here. It feels like forever, and I never really should have left.
I am engaged now, to an amazing man, which should make me very happy. I am happy, whenever he is around, but when he is gone, I am a very dark place.
Sometimes when he is with me, I am still a very dark place. Especially if we argue. He doesn't seem to understand, even though he has his own past, and when I go to my dark place and he is near, he doesn't like it. It makes him sad, and that makes me feel even worse.
But that problem is not why I am posting here. The reason I am posting here is because I am consumed by something that happened over a year ago. It will not leave me alone.
I was at my lowest - I was cutting, and anorexic. I had lost 70 pounds in less than two months. I was being looked at by guys, I was finally noticed. People thought I was beautiful.
I wore baggy clothes to hide the majority of the weight loss and people assumed that I was fit.
(Even now, it is hard for me to understand what I did wrong. I have somehow gained that weight back, presumably because for a while, I was happy. Right when I met him, I was happy. I started eating again, and now I am ugly.)
During this time last year, when I was at my lowest, a guy at my work that I had a crush on finally began to notice me.
He noticed me for all the wrong reasons. I realize that now. He finally decided that I was worth looking at.
I was saving myself for marriage. I was naive.
I didn't, at the time, understand what he wanted. I was happy that someone had finally noticed me. A guy I liked, even!
We started flirting, we exchanged phone numbers. He would text me nice things, telling me that I was pretty and smart.
Pretty soon though, the nice things changed. He started asking me for things that I didn't want to give him.
He harassed me at work, he followed me around the store, whispering things in my ear.
I tried my best to ignore him at work, and I tried my best to ignore him when he would text me. I only ignored him when he asked me questions I didn't want to answer. When he asked me for things.
Otherwise, I thought he was my friend.
I learned that I couldn't block his number, and that I didn't have enough money to change my phone number. I also couldn't find another job, and my boss told me to "deal with it".
So I stayed.
After 9 months of his harassing. I finally gave in.
I asked him if I sent him what he wanted (a picture) if he would stop harassing me. I had confronted him many times, asking him to stop. Telling him "no." but he ignored everything.
He agreed to this, so I did it.
Everything got exponentially worse.
Like I said earlier, I was naive. I was stupid.
I was in a bad place, and I was looking for someone who cared.
He ended up being that someone.
To make a very long store short, and to avoid facts that I haven't quite come to terms with, over a year later:
We went to "hang out"
I thought we were going on a date.
I dressed up.
It wasn't a date.
I was stupid enough to go back. In my mind, this had happened to me because I deserved it.
I figured that no one nice deserved me, and I deserved to be treated this way.
I went out with him a few more times, he would lie to me, I would be stupid enough to believe it.
We were going to a "movie"
"dinner"
I know this happened a year ago, I know I should be over it. I complained to my boss after this all happened. I still worked there when I met my fiance, and I realized what was happening wasn't okay.
I broke it off with the guy from work, he got worse.
I told my boss, who once again told me to get over it.
I quit my job.
I dream about this every single night. I can't get this out of my head, and it's ruining my life.
I don't know what to do.
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