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Old 28-10-2015, 08:21 PM   #1
BeautifulFreak24
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Graphic - My past haunts me - graphic

****Please do not read if anything about s.e.x.u.a.l. abuse triggers you. ***
If this is not okay, please tell me, or delete it.





It has been a long time since I was last on here. It feels like forever, and I never really should have left.

I am engaged now, to an amazing man, which should make me very happy. I am happy, whenever he is around, but when he is gone, I am a very dark place.

Sometimes when he is with me, I am still a very dark place. Especially if we argue. He doesn't seem to understand, even though he has his own past, and when I go to my dark place and he is near, he doesn't like it. It makes him sad, and that makes me feel even worse.

But that problem is not why I am posting here. The reason I am posting here is because I am consumed by something that happened over a year ago. It will not leave me alone.

I was at my lowest - I was cutting, and anorexic. I had lost 70 pounds in less than two months. I was being looked at by guys, I was finally noticed. People thought I was beautiful.

I wore baggy clothes to hide the majority of the weight loss and people assumed that I was fit.

(Even now, it is hard for me to understand what I did wrong. I have somehow gained that weight back, presumably because for a while, I was happy. Right when I met him, I was happy. I started eating again, and now I am ugly.)

During this time last year, when I was at my lowest, a guy at my work that I had a crush on finally began to notice me.

He noticed me for all the wrong reasons. I realize that now. He finally decided that I was worth looking at.

I was saving myself for marriage. I was naive.

I didn't, at the time, understand what he wanted. I was happy that someone had finally noticed me. A guy I liked, even!

We started flirting, we exchanged phone numbers. He would text me nice things, telling me that I was pretty and smart.

Pretty soon though, the nice things changed. He started asking me for things that I didn't want to give him.

He harassed me at work, he followed me around the store, whispering things in my ear.

I tried my best to ignore him at work, and I tried my best to ignore him when he would text me. I only ignored him when he asked me questions I didn't want to answer. When he asked me for things.

Otherwise, I thought he was my friend.

I learned that I couldn't block his number, and that I didn't have enough money to change my phone number. I also couldn't find another job, and my boss told me to "deal with it".
So I stayed.

After 9 months of his harassing. I finally gave in.

I asked him if I sent him what he wanted (a picture) if he would stop harassing me. I had confronted him many times, asking him to stop. Telling him "no." but he ignored everything.

He agreed to this, so I did it.
Everything got exponentially worse.

Like I said earlier, I was naive. I was stupid.
I was in a bad place, and I was looking for someone who cared.
He ended up being that someone.


To make a very long store short, and to avoid facts that I haven't quite come to terms with, over a year later:

We went to "hang out"
I thought we were going on a date.
I dressed up.

It wasn't a date.



I was stupid enough to go back. In my mind, this had happened to me because I deserved it.

I figured that no one nice deserved me, and I deserved to be treated this way.
I went out with him a few more times, he would lie to me, I would be stupid enough to believe it.
We were going to a "movie"
"dinner"




I know this happened a year ago, I know I should be over it. I complained to my boss after this all happened. I still worked there when I met my fiance, and I realized what was happening wasn't okay.
I broke it off with the guy from work, he got worse.
I told my boss, who once again told me to get over it.
I quit my job.

I dream about this every single night. I can't get this out of my head, and it's ruining my life.

I don't know what to do.



The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering.







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Old 28-10-2015, 08:49 PM   #2
whirlpools
 
Join Date: May 2008

You were vulnerable and his constant harassment wore you down. You weren't stupid. Sometimes we will do anything to feel as though we have someone who is there for us, even when they aren't. Abusers prey on vulnerability. Your boss' s actions were appalling, and it sounds as though you were very alone with all this.

Have you thought about seeking some counselling? I think this would be really important for you. In time, you may find that some couples counselling would help you and your fiance support each other in the 'here and now'. But some time to talk and process what happened with a professional could be a good choice.

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Old 28-10-2015, 10:20 PM   #3
BeautifulFreak24
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Thank you Whirlpools, I'm sorry it was such a long post.

I can't help thinking that it's my fault and that I deserved it. I'm afraid that if I continue to think on it and subconsciously obsess over it that it will ruin my relationship with my fiance.

I have thought about talking to a counselor, but I'm afraid of the consequences.
We also don't have enough money right now for me to see one, and my insurance won't cover anything on mental health.



The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering.







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Old 29-10-2015, 03:53 AM   #4
BeautifulFreak24
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Sorry to keep posting, and this is probably a stupid question, but I have been wondering it for quite a while.

Would it be beneficial for me to talk to him face to face?

I would like for him to understand that what he did to me was wrong. I want to prove to him that I am stronger than he thinks I am. Even if that's a lie.

There are so many things I want to say to him.
And I want him to hurt just as much as I did.
As I am.



The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering.







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