Hi everyone. Wow, it's been a really long time, but I didn't know where else to turn about this. I'm not sure anyone will remember me, but here goes. I have a history of severe, recurring depression, which has tended to be resistant to medication, until I finally managed to be relatively stable with a high dose of venlafaxine. I graduated from university over six months ago now, and I've had no luck finding a job, partly because I feel completely stuck about what I want to do.
For the last few weeks I've been worried about my mood. Silly things like sad bits of TV shows, random sad thoughts, and sad stories people tell me about just seem to make me cry, and I feel emotionally fragile and vulnerable, but I don't really know why. I thought it was just a blip which would right itself if I gave it time, but it just seems to be getting worse. The last couple of days I've found myself sobbing for no reason on several occasions.
If it doesn't get better in the next few days I'm planning on going to my GP and discussing my options, but I'm terrified that it means my meds aren't working any more. Then again, I've thought that before, and ultimately my medication was fine, and I felt better with counselling, so maybe that's what I need. It's just really tough because when I was away at university I could shut myself in my room for a few days and nobody would notice too much because I lived in halls, whereas at home, my mum notices when I'm not myself and I find that really tough, because I have to deal with her it makes HER feel that I'm not happy, if that makes sense.
Ugh I don't even know what I want or why I'm posting this, I guess I just needed to get it out of my system. Thanks if you bothered to read the whole thing.
s a r a h
* pm me * eating disorders info *
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge."
- Lord Byron
im glad to hear that you're going to your doctors... i hope that you feel better after the appointment.
i know that it is frustrating to not be able to hole up in your room, but that is probably a good thing in the end. isolating oneself is very rarely a good way to deal with depression, it tends to intensify, not lessen, bad feelings.
can you talk to your mom about how you are feeling? she probably feels down when you're low because she cares about you. that is a healthy thing for parents i think.
meds can be really helpful, but counseling can be helpful as well by teaching you to think in different ways that leave you feeling more positive. it think that it would be worth a shot again if you get the opportunity
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
For me one of my major triggers for depression is change. That can be good change or bad change or neutral and can be several month after whatever has changed in my life that I notice my mood has changed.
Finishing university is a often a huge change in someones life. There were times when it affected me and my mood although at the same time I relished in being able to slow my life right down and enjoy little things. Luckily for me, I had my own place so didn't have to contend with my parents!
My mind is quite sluggish this morning and I can't quite seem to get my thoughts out. What I am want to convey is, it is quite normal to have changes in mood when your life changes and be gentle with yourself.
Thanks. It happened again today. I'm crying right now. I don't know why. I was reading a manga, needed to go to the bathroom, and when I looked in the mirror I had this horrible feeling of dissociation, like I was looking in the mirror and I was thinking "that's not me, I don't recognise that person", and I started crying. I feel like I'm going mad. I feel unstable, but I'm too ashamed and scared to tell anyone. I feel like if I do they'll think I'm completely insane.
s a r a h
* pm me * eating disorders info *
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge."
- Lord Byron
*sits with* i think counseling may be helpful, but you're not insane hun.
sorry to see you back here but good to see you as i was wondering how you are <3 [its heather 'case you dont recognize sn]
<3
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
I feel better today so far. You know when you've been to the movies, so you've been sitting in the darkness and been engrossed in the movie, and when you get out of the cinema you feel sort of disorientated? I think I've been feeling like that a lot because I've been so engrossed in my own thoughts lately and in watching old anime and stuff, and it kind of developed into a vicious cycle where I became anxious about feeling like that, which just made the feeling stronger.
I am me! And like my mother always says, "if you were really mad, you wouldn't be worrying that you were mad, you'd think it was all normal." So I just have to remember that it's just a feeling, and feelings can't hurt me, no matter how strong or unpleasant they are.
s a r a h
* pm me * eating disorders info *
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge."
- Lord Byron
