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Feeling ... HAPPY!
I've battled with self-harm for the past four years. It has been something that has taken its toll on me and affected both relationships with other people and myself. I thought I was in control of the demon, but I hadn't realized how out of control things were getting.
Last month I hit a very low point. I don't wish to get into much detail, but needless to say, I filled up my bathtub and called my best friend freaking out. She yelled at me, and told me to stop whatever it was I was going to do. She told me I was better than this, that I was worth something, that I meant a lot to her. She told me I needed help.
That was the last day I self-harmed or thought about actually commiting suicide. It's been nearly one month and I am free. I have been able to stop before for months on end but I never felt happy or satisfied without my blade. I feel that I am free now because I do not want to self-harm. I can not honestly say that I do not think about it, I do. It is not something that I can just stop thinking about, but I know in my heart that I do not want to go back to self harm. This has been the first time I felt like that.
Since I have stopped my life has gotten better. I am going out more and while I am not always in a state of joy, I am not miserable. I no longer avoid people, or hide in my room for days on end. I am cynical --- yes, but I am not as bad as I was before. I still have hard days, but I am dealing with them in the best way possible. When things happen that would normally urge me to self-harm, I no longer feel that urge. Sometimes when it does come back I distract myself and think of my friends reassuring voice on the phone that night, or the average life I have and the good life I can lead in the future. I think of things that make me happy and I think of everything I want to do and see.
I am happy.
I just want to let anyone on here know, that you are all capable of stopping and most importantly everyone is worth living a beautiful life. <3
Thank you to everyone on here who has continued to support me over the year or so. It's been one of the best things in my life! I hope I will continue to have the strength to get me through the hard parts in my life without turning back to the demon of self-harm.
xx
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