just some kind of vesicle *suicide trig*

EMH · 18-05-2017, 12:23 PM

I dont even feel like a proper human being anymore
i dont quite know if im real
all i feel like is some kind of vesicle or shell thats being kept alive so other people dont have to be upset that its not here anymore.
im nothing, and keeping me here is so painful
ive heard countless times all the bullsh*t "there might be a day where its easier to manage" "youre of worth in this life", but honestly i dont give a f**k. okay i wouldnt be ale to experience stuff if i wasnt here, but if i wasnt here i wouldnt be feeling this and i wouldnt know the difference anyway
im done 'managing' or 'coping'. i want it to stop. every feeling, every thought, every memory. STOP.
why cant they see its whats best. why is this sack of bones and sludge and badness worth keeping alive. i mean nothing in this world.

Sketchy · 18-05-2017, 03:59 PM

I won't tell you all the same stuff that you don't want to hear, but I am thinking of you. I hope you can reach out for help. Keep talking here too.

EMH · 18-05-2017, 06:38 PM

Thank you for your support, I really appreciare it.

Sketchy · 18-05-2017, 11:56 PM

Is there anything that helps? Anything that will help you get through this? You talk about not experiencing things if you weren't here. Can you hold onto that? Think of the things you want to experience?
I know this is all very distressing and difficult. Do you have someone to talk to?

Sketchy · 20-05-2017, 11:45 PM

Hi, just wondering how you are doing?

EMH · 22-05-2017, 10:45 AM

thanks for checking up on me
nothing helps anymore. there are certain things that sometimes can distract me, but throughout the thoughts are still there and when i stop whatever it is everything comes back anyway so very tired of pushing through it. no i dont really have anyone to talk to. discharged by my psych for being 'too sick' and onto an outpatient thing where some nurse talks to me for 5 minutes a week, pretty sure just to check im alive, and doesnt listen to anything i say and is not at all understanding.
im trying to hold onto that thought, of things i want to experience, but it kind of feels more like an idea than an actual thing. because i dont think i want to, and when everything feels so disconnected and im not really a person then all feelings of want and like etc kind of fly out the window because i dont even know feel. maybe that doesnt make sense, i cant really explain it.

Sketchy · 22-05-2017, 05:57 PM

I'm glad there are certain things that can distract. It would be good if you could try them just to get a break from the thoughts for a while.

I'm sorry your nurse is not understanding. Is there a way you could speak to someone else?

EMH · 22-05-2017, 08:43 PM

theres no one else right now because of where theyve put me in the system. i have an app with the head psych of the team, but thats on the 26th june which is way too far away.
i know its good to get a little distance from the thoughts, but so often it just feels pointless when theyre there waiting and come back stronger anyway.

Sketchy · 22-05-2017, 10:04 PM

The 26th of June seems far, but hopefully you can keep fighting until then. I appreciate how hard and frustrating it is. Keep posting here too. You don't have to be alone in this. Here if you want to talk.

LittleBritain · 24-05-2017, 08:04 PM

EMH, I don't want to tell you the same bull shit so I'm sorry if this message seems random. Is there someone you can be with so you're not alone? If not (even if there is) we're all happy to listen to you here if you want someone to talk to.