Sorry, I was wobbly and tired and my eyes wouldn't focus. (This is the kind of messages people were getting when I was on this med 4 times a day, I was zonked!) I was very suicidal and decided yesterday would be the day. I took X amount of the meds but wanted to not be too out of it to speak to my CPN so I was going to take the rest after my CPN phoned. She seemed quite angry and said she was going to end the call because there was nothing for us to talk about. That was quite upsetting. She did tell me I would have to phone for an ambulance which I was reluctant to do so we went back and forward with that idea a lot.I eventually phoned and they sent an ambulance. I was mostly just sitting for hours after they did a blood test. I tried to ligature which was stupid because it didn't work and then I couldn't get the thing off my neck and it had to be cut off. Luckily the psych person who came to see me wasn't angry. He said he thinks I should be in hospital but it was late and he didn't want to phone my psych so he let me go home and said he would phone him today.
My CPN phoned me today and said the psych hasn't been contacted and he wants to talk to me and can't do that until Monday. My CPN said I wouldn't have been sent home if they thought I was a risk to myself, that upsets me a bit. They never even asked me what my plans were for when I got home. They just assumed that I'd be admitted today. I think my CPN is against admission and my psych will be too. I have no options. I'm just supposed to sit and suffer at home. I'll be getting a phone call from my CPN tomorrow, then another CPN on Friday and then my psych on Monday. There is just no hope for anything getting better. I'm trying to stick to a routine today but I don't feel well and it's actually 2 routines because I didn't get stuff done yesterday. I can find no ways to relax, when I try to it always feelings like I'm doing nothing or wasting time and that frustrates me.
I'll have to think of a better suicide method.
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 05-06-2020 at 11:13 PM.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you Beckie. I really shouldn't be here though. I was X away from the final sleep and here I am living days that don't exist again because I'm not supposed to be alive.
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 05-06-2020 at 11:14 PM.
Reason: please see your PMs
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm not sure how to do that, what could be in a plan. I feel restricted with what I can do and my focus is bad and when it's bad I just get frustrated with myself for not being able to do much. Monday will come and they'll have no solution anyway, so I'll just be expected to carry on for an unspecified amount of time. Forever.
My CPN was going on about an admission being a crisis admission but I wish they would stop with that, it's too strict. It's not strict if I feel I want to leave early but if I still feel really unwell and like hospital is helping and I need to be there they're not very flexible.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hey guys, just letting you know that Lindsay is in hospital right now (psych) and can’t get onto RYL. She’s struggling and if any of you want to leave messages for her if you’re not on FB or whatever I’ll pass them onto her.
Lindsay, i hope you can take this time to focus on being in a safer place and getting to a place where you feel better and more able to handle the world around you and all its expectations.
Sometimes hospital is a respite in the sense that it disconnects you from the things that you struggle with every day. I hope this stay Will help you to feel better equipped and ready to face the world outside again. I wish hospital could provide a more long term perspective and not just be used as the last resort when people can't keep themselves safe. Take this opportunity to talk to the staff members and use the support that is around you. I wish you all the best.
xxx