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Peeking out from behind the barrier
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Australia
I am currently:  
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Triggering (Abuse) - For all those that look for bad things *triggering!*
I hope this makes sence heh, im really tired and put it together over the past 2 hours hehe... if its a mess tell me :P
edit: wow its longer than id thought it would be!! but i hope it helps someone
For all those that look for bad
I've seen a lot of people on the forums asking about this, and I myself have done this. I thought perhaps if I wrote something people would realise they're not alone. I've written the first paragraph of each section to explain the idea to people who might not know or understand, and the second paragraph of each section to help encourage those that are doing it.
Unfortunately this is mostly aimed at females, but if there are any males out there who want to add to this please do. I considered trying to write something from a male POV but I don’t understand them as well, and I want to make sure anything I write is accurate. I've been through all the below things to some extent, so I know about them, I don’t know about a males reactions to abuse.
A lot of people who have been victims of abuse, or even just people that have been hurting for whatever reason for a long time, look for the familiar. Be it fear, pain, abuse, sadness, many of us make it this way ourselves to feel safer.
Some of the major issues and ways are a fear of 'getting better', putting yourself in dangerous situations, promiscuity/prostitution, abusive partners, and BDSM. It isn’t unusual or wrong to feel this way and do these things. You shouldn’t, but you're not bad to do so. There are many ways other than those listed above, and as many reasons as there are people, but I've just put the most common below. If you're going through or doing something different to these that isn’t wrong or abnormal either. And please, post about it, so others who are doing it wont feel alone either.
Fear of 'getting better'
A LOT of people talk about getting 'better' being more terrifying than staying like they are. I myself am currently 'getting better' and things are starting to look 'up' for me, and it scares the hell out of me. When you’ve been through hurt and pain so long, when you're so used to crying yourself to sleep and complaining about how bad things are, its scary to think you won't do that anymore. In some cases people feel they have nothing else but their pain, and their self injury. They feel they will be blank or have nothing if they don't have the pain. Others are literally scared to feel happy, it's an unusual and nerve-wracking emotion, like some people might be scared to feel suicidal. Some people will trigger themselves so they are afraid, or upset, because they feel more comfortable with that emotion. I regularly scare myself, because fear is the only emotion I can deal with, and I actually prefer to feel it over anything else.
Whatever it is for you, you have to realise, you won't be empty, and it's ok to be happy. Look at all the happy people in the world and in your life, are their lives empty? Perhaps you can take up a sport or hobby, force yourself to, to help you feel like you have something in your life. And while the occasional self-trigger isn’t going to destroy you, you need to think, do you want to dwell on the past? Or do you want to try and get some courage and be afraid of the new things that are coming.
Putting yourself in dangerous situations
Another common practice is putting yourself in a dangerous situation. There can be a few reasons. It could be wanting fear, it could be a lack of self worth and feeling you deserve it, it could be wanting to feel safe by being hurt, or it could be nothing like these or all of these, everyone is different. This, however, is the most dangerous of the three, because you can be seriously hurt over it. I've known some people to meet again with past abusers, others to walk the streets late at night, some get seriously drunk, others join gangs or put their lives at risk in other ways. It’s a longing for the familiar. If you’ve been regularly sexually abused you may almost want to have it happen again, while at the same time praying it doesn't. But if it happened again, you'd feel safe. You feel that’s all you're worth so you aim for that.
You have to realise, you're worth so much more. If you're meeting with a past abuser, do you really want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he controls you? If you walk around at night or join gangs or get drunk, you may want something bad to happen, but those things could kill you if they go bad. The familiar is good, it's helpful, but you need another way to access it. Why not try an extreme sport, or explore BDSM, or take a risk that doesn't have such harsh consequences. It's not the same, I know, but its something, it might help in some way, even if it just lessens the longing.
Promiscuity/Prostitution
This is a fairly extreme one, but it does happen more than you may think. People who have been sexually abused a lot in the past may not have a high view of sexuality or their bodies. They see that they’ve already been used, touched, whatever, so why bother holding back? Some just become quite promiscuous and 'easy', and end up being taken advantage of. I admit I went through this stage once. Others go further though, and into full blown prostitution, be it for one or two people or many. Some don’t hold any value in their bodies or in sex. Others do but see it as if they deserve that treatment because they're a 'whore' or everyone says that they deserve it.
The truth is, wether you can believe me or not, you don’t deserve it, no girl does. None. You are worth something, your body is worth something, and should be saved for the people that will love it as they love you, and will cherish you as a person before anything else. That partner does exist, perhaps it'll take a few to find, but they exist. And you'll find him one day. I was lucky enough to find him during my promiscuous phase, and I realise now what I almost gave up. You ARE worth something, and sex is special. Its not a tool for pain or punishment, its not meant to be frightening or bad. You'll see it that way one day. But try and realise you are worth all love and affection.
Abusive Partners
Quite a few people get into abusive relationships. They know something's wrong, they know they should leave, that it’s a bad idea, that they don’t deserve it. Some hate it, they want to leave so badly. But they won't. Why? It feels familiar. It feels safe. A lot of people who have been abused have trouble understanding the concept of a loving relationship. They don’t know how to act, they feel strange and awkward, and some end up pushing the person away. I've done it, and most here have done it at some point. So they feel safer in an abusive relationship. Maybe it hurts but to them its what they know as love, and it feels much safer and secure than an 'unpredictable' 'loving' relationship.
Love isn’t sex, love isn’t hitting or yelling, love isn’t pain. Love is kindness, care, consideration, understanding. You deserve love, everyone does, and you shouldn’t be abused. Even if it's familiar and feels safer, you know its not, you know you would rather be roughing it trying to understand love, instead of this. It is so difficult to begin with, to understand it. I know it's tough. But it's worth it, I promise you. It's worth the tears and the confusion to finally be loved as you deserve to be. Be strong, ditch the jerk that will never be worth what you are and go for it, find someone who cares about you for you. It might take years to find them, but you will one day, and it will be so worth it.
BDSM
I left this until last, because it’s a difficult topic. BDSM particularly is up for a lot of debate, because for some people it is simply a healthy fetish so you can't just say 'don’t do that, it's not good for you, you deserve better' because its not necessarily a bad thing if practiced right and for the right idea. The BDSM itself is not unhealthy, but the feelings that may fuel it, self loathing, a need to be hurt/used because that’s what you're used to, thinking its all you deserve, that’s not healthy. I'm a Sub with a Dom boyfriend and this is my take on it. A Sub should know what their worth and demand it. It’s a very fine line, and so difficult to define. A Sub can be humiliated, but still know their worth, hit but still feel loved, and used sexually but still feel satisfied and happy. A Sub should never be truly upset at what's happening, or truly scared of their partner, though fear itself can be a part of it. I suppose the best way to know if it's healthy or not is if you feel truly happy and comfortable with what's going on. If you feel self loathing, or you're not sure you want something to happen, it might not be the right thing for the right reasons.
You need to define what exactly gives you an interest in BDSM. A violent past doesn't necessarily make it wrong, it's what you feel about it, why you want to do it. If it's to feel the familiar you should delve deeper into your motivations. If you're on the border and you want to explore it further, make sure you're with a partner you can trust. Trust is very very important in BDSM, as is being comfortable saying stop. If you ever feel uncomfortable when you're starting out, say no, use a safe word. Feeling uncomfortable later on can be part of it, but it shouldn’t be to begin with. You must be with someone who understands you and your past, and loves you for you, before anything your body can offer him or her. BDSM isn’t about being used, it isn’t about being degraded in the eyes of your partner. Never move into BDSM if you aren’t sure of it, or if it’s a way of punishing yourself. If you do you'll regret it. If however you simply enjoy it, it makes you feel safe and loved, and you like it, don’t be afraid of it. It's not wrong, there are a lot of people like you. Be true to yourself, and make sure you're safe
I hope this will help even one person to realise they aren’t alone, and do something about their situation. Never feel you're bad or wrong or weird for anything you feel. Don’t feel that you're not feeling the way you should, because you're feeling like you are, and that’s how you should feel, everyones different.
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