Graphic - relapsing on SI, feel stupid and guilty.**trigger for SI

blondehairblueeyes · 03-02-2019, 10:58 PM

I cut regularly all through high school and it became an everyday thing and always on my mind. senior year i got a lot better and was clean in college for almost three years (except for putting scissors or something to my skin but not really cutting) up until the other day. I think about it and have urges all the time, but up until recently have always been able to distract from the urges and remind myself the feeling/urge will pass. the other day i was really upset as a lot is different in my life, im basically by myself in a foreign country and i felt very sad and alone. i didn't want to bother the people i might normally go to when feeling this way because i didn't want to burden them. i wasn't able to distract myself away from the urge and gave into it. i was surprised how easily i got back into it, but felt disappointed in myself and guilty. i wanted to tell someone close to me about it but didn't want to disappoint or upset them. i don't want to be in that place again. i don't want to act on that urge again. do i just move on and try to fight the urge better next time? Do i go through the whole process of resetting my tracking app to day 1? i kind of just want to move past it but also don't want to act like it didn't happen because i feel dark that it did happen.

one_step_closer · 04-02-2019, 03:28 PM

I'm sorry things have been difficult for you to cope with recently. Very well done with the 3 years self harm free, that is so amazing and shows your strength. Sometimes things can feel like too much to cope with and you might go back to old coping mechanisms but that doesn't mean you have failed at anything. Say you have been self harm free for exactly 3 years (just as an example) then that's about 1095 days you've been free and just one day you self harmed. That's really good going. It doesn't have to be about starting again from day 1.

I know it can be hard to reach out to people but I'm sure they would rather try and support you than have you turn to self harm. If you feel like you can't talk to someone close to you is there maybe a helpline you could try? It sounds like you really want to get back on track and that is a great start. I think you are strong enough. What are the things that are difficult for you just now, and are there ways that they could be easier to manage or sorted out?

HopeRises · 04-02-2019, 06:13 PM

you have had one day out of three years and that is AMAZING. you don't have to start from day 1 again. I have never been a fan on tracking but that's just me..when I put to much emphasis on stopping I just never could. nowadays if I need to acknowledge it I think I have only self harmed once in a year and a half rather than days. I don't know if turning it around like that would be helpful to you.

I don't think you should ignore that it happened. Its ok to acknowledge it. That you slipped up but you have learnt from it or however you want to see it and think of what you can do to prevent it happening again.

I 'slipped' the other day too and at first it seemed such a good idea (and it was such a small slip) but pretty instantly I felt awful. I personally am going to try and remember that next time. I know for me. SH feels attractive at times. I think it will solve everything and obviously it solves nothing just means I have to lie and hide and in turn makes me want to hurt myself more and remembering that is usually enough.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this stuff? I'm here if you do want to talk. I can't guarantee I will have any answers but sometimes it just feels better to get stuff of your chest.

blondehairblueeyes · 04-02-2019, 07:01 PM

@HopeRises and @one_step_closer thank you so much for your responses. I think a community like this with people who can understand this part of me could be really helpful for me. I do have loving people i can talk to but they aren't self harmers so they don't quite get it as much. I think moving forward i'll start with posting here and seeing if that helps me. ur kind words have given me even more inspiration to keep being strong!

one_step_closer · 06-02-2019, 06:29 PM

I'm glad you found our replies useful. Keep posting here if you find it helpful, we do understand at least some of the things you might be going through and will offer you any support that we can.