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Old 27-05-2016, 04:08 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2016
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Contains abuse - Sibling Abuse or Sibling Rivalry? Long post

I have a sister who is about 4 years older than me. Everyone marvels at how different we are. She's talkative and loud. I'm quiet and reserved. She's the star of the room and I hide in the corner. Especially when we are in a room together. But no one knows is that I often feel like I'm suffocating when she's in the room.

My sister had a lot of questionably inappropriate behavior when we were growing up. She once accused me of biting myself and framing her for it. another time she claimed I laid on the floor and cried to make my parents think she threw me down. Another time she locked me in her room with her while she teased me and wouldn't let me leave, my father was outside doing lawn work and couldn't hear me yelling. My brother is 4 years younger than me, 8 years younger than my sister. When he was 10 and she was 18 I walked into the room to see her holding him against the wall with both hands around her neck and him kicking and screaming. I had to fight to get her off and lock him and myself in his room till Mom got home. 2 years later when I was 16 my sister grabbed me by the throat and held me against wall because I told her the extension cord she picked out was to short to run out of my room into the hall to plug up the Christmas lights. Then she threw me on the ground.

She always made me feel small. I was stupid. What she had to say was more important. A mine and my brother's birthday parties she played the piano loudly and sang for everyone till they applauded. Getting ready for my Junior Prom we talked about her Junior Prom. She pulled out pictures and compared us. Sure to mention that her dress was a 6 and mine was a 10. And she had a date and I didn't. Many of these things are normal attention seeking behavior but there was more disturbing emotional abuse as well. When I was 10 she called me " a little *witch*" and said "I hope you rot in hell." This was only the beginning of the cussing and name calling.

Growing up I truly thought this was all normal. But she moved out the Summer of 2013 and suddenly the world was so much better. I shined. I felt important for once like I was allowed to speak at dinner without interrupting whatever grand thing she had to say. No one in our house fought when before there had been conflict every day.

Then the Summer of 2015 she and her husband and baby moved back in. Back to the dark ages. At 19 years old I felt the need to hide in my room so I didn't have to face her. They moved out in April (2016) and our family is back to the happy days. But every family gathering, every sunday dinner that I see her I feel smothered. I feel trapped again. Like I'm locked in her room being teased like when we were kids. And it's stupid because I'm a grown woman now and I still let her do this to me.

Now I wonder how out of the ordinary this all is. My parents didn't see the true extent until my brother and I were old enough to really sit down and discuss it with them rationally and share both of our experiences with my older sister.

I'm getting married in July and frankly I'm scared to have my sister there. I'm moving about 35 minutes away from my family and part of me wants to distance myself as much as possible. I feel like she's destroying me over and over again emotionally.

I didn't know sibling abuse was a thing. Is this it? Am i being dramatic? How do i move past this?

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Old 01-06-2016, 01:25 PM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: East Sussex
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Dear srb1325,

I just wanted to let you know that I read your whole post and I do feel like your sister's behaviour towards you and your brothers was abusive and damaging. I wish I could relate to you first hand but I don't as I have a younger brother who I got on well with. I hope someone else here may read this and be able to relate better. *hugs*.


Soon... Now will be then...Today will be yesterday... Present will be past...And thought will be memory... So...Live for the future! Make your future how you want it!

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Old 18-06-2016, 12:17 AM   #3
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Hello. I realise this is now a spectacularly late response but I hope it can still be of some use to you.

In my personal (and in no way professional) opinion this really does sound like abuse. Sibling abuse really does go un noticed and passed off as sibling rivalry so often. For me here the key thing to look at is how it made you feel all this time later. If it was 'just sibling rivalry' then surly you wouldn't feel so strongly about it? I'm just saying your feelings are very valid and not an over reaction.

If anyone else, not your sister, had done that to you or your brother, there would be no doubt about it.

The issue is a thorny one, particularly where parents are concerned. This is speaking from personal experience as I suffered abuse from my brother growing up (something that I only recently came to terms with). I understand that my parents don't want to acknowledge it as such because they still love my brother despite everything. And I love him too, he is still my brother.

You have to do what is right for you what makes you feel best and healthiest, not what is right for your parents, your sister or anyone else. That's what I'm trying to say here. Sorry this isn't making much sense, I'm not good at expressing stuff or giving advice. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare,
As any she belied with false compare.

There she was. Gone.

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