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Old 30-04-2015, 02:29 PM   #1
Bellatrix
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Contains sexual abuse - The Bubble

I thought I'd make a safe bubble for those struggling with memories or current experiences of abuse. Sexual, Emotional, Physical, Blackmail, Threats.. everything considered abuse.

I'm sure we used to have a safe room but i can't find it.

So I made this. A thread for people to come together any support each other through the difficult times.

I'm currently struggling with bad memories of past sexual abuse. I was grope on the bus by a stranger and since then I've been remembering the bad things that happened to me.

My therapist was very validating and helped me see it was his responsibility, not mine. But that doesn't take away the feelings and the need for a mummy cuddle, which i can't have.

Please feel free to share your stories and experiences here. This is a safe place.


Last edited by Bellatrix : 07-05-2015 at 04:33 PM.



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Old 30-04-2015, 03:43 PM   #2
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This is a great idea for a thread, thank you J.

I'm sorry you had that experience on the bus, that's horrible and I'm not surprised it has brought other things to the surface. I hope the intensity of the feelings decreases a bit soon. It was definitely not your fault or anything to do with you.

I'm sort of struggling with memories of abuse in general. I'm finding it hard to cope with because I'm still not safe enough to address it in therapy, but then it feels like I'm trying to hold it all by myself and like I'm stuck with it. I also (accidentally) found the facebook page of someone who raped me and it appears that they're quite successful and doing everything they want in life. And I'm stuck being 'ill' and it's just not fair.

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Old 30-04-2015, 04:31 PM   #3
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That's always an awful position to find yourself in.... can you use it as motivation to get better so you can say a big **** you to the abuser by getting your life back on track? I'm sorry you're struggling with memories too.

We watched an episode of criminal minds last night which had a pedophile in it an he reminded me of one of the men who hurt me, right down the the creepy state and faux kind voice. I know I should have stopped watching it but I thought it'd be okay. Turns out it affected meore than I thought and I can't get their faces out of my mind, the feelings of their hands off my body.

I feel very trapped.




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Old 30-04-2015, 07:59 PM   #4
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I'm sorry you're both struggling so much *gentle cuddles*, I'm low on words but wanted to send loves <3

x x x







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Old 30-04-2015, 08:27 PM   #5
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I'm struggling to deal with the memories of being rapes twice.
I've never told anybody because nobody cares about me



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Old 30-04-2015, 11:01 PM   #6
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Can you llook into some rape counselling? it might be good for you to talk about it <3




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Old 01-05-2015, 12:34 AM   #7
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I'm sorry you feel trapped, J. But its really good that you can notice the specific triggers and describe them here, that's a brave thing to do. Thanks for your support. I guess I could try and look at it as motivation for me to succeed (and succeed better) than them, it just somehow feels out of my control.

Sunday girl, you've already made the brave step of posting on here. I'm sorry you don't feel cared for, that must be really lonely. It can be hard to reach out for the first time but so worth it.

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Old 01-05-2015, 07:49 PM   #8
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I second the reaching out for help. You don't have to deal with this alone.


Today I saw my dad and it brought back some horrid abuse memories even though it was nice to see him. I've never really talked in any depth about what happened to me and I fe like I have this weight hanging over me.




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Old 02-05-2015, 04:23 PM   #9
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The Bubble sounds lovely J :)

I agree reaching out for help might be good for you Sunday Girl, perhaps a friend or family member or if you feel ready a professional. Take care of yourself.

J, I'm sorry you are struggling so much with memories, it's understandable at the moment. Do you think talking about what happened would help? I understand how incredibly difficult this can be, but perhaps you could slowly try working towards it.

Other J (Epicene), I can imagine seeing that on fb would have been really hard. I hope you manage to take care of yourself <3

I'm struggle quite a lot with memories and dissociation at the moment and finding it hard to stay safe.




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Old 03-05-2015, 11:18 AM   #10
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I've had a few of my counselling apps now and I'm still not able to fully let it
Out afraid to let my guard down and talk about it all






i won't ever give up on you xx

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Old 04-05-2015, 06:12 PM   #11
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I tried to type up some of my feeeeeelings up about things that happened in an email and I just froze.

I forget sometimes even when I try to go slowly, but it's like it derails the entire train when it slams on the brakes. I feel like a part of me is frozen in it still happening.

(I found the safe room but I think it's a good idea sometimes to have a fresh start for things. (Y))



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Old 04-05-2015, 07:07 PM   #12
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Yeah I'm in need of the bubble right now
great idea by way



"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off."

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Old 04-05-2015, 07:13 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Charmed View Post
J, I'm sorry you are struggling so much with memories, it's understandable at the moment. Do you think talking about what happened would help? I understand how incredibly difficult this can be, but perhaps you could slowly try working towards it.
I'm struggle quite a lot with memories and dissociation at the moment and finding it hard to stay safe.
I have some bad memories
The following content has been hidden - Reason : tw abuse
i was abused by a pedophile ring when i was a child under my dads care. he was too high on drugs to notice what was happening. i don[t know how to talk about what happened.... it all seems so unreal.

Can you trygrounding techniques? Ihope you can stay safe <3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amaryllis View Post
I tried to type up some of my feeeeeelings up about things that happened in an email and I just froze.

I forget sometimes even when I try to go slowly, but it's like it derails the entire train when it slams on the brakes. I feel like a part of me is frozen in it still happening.

(I found the safe room but I think it's a good idea sometimes to have a fresh start for things. (Y))
I can understand that. But it's over... you survived it.

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Originally Posted by ajrocks View Post
Yeah I'm in need of the bubble right now
great idea by way
What's going on? <3




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Old 04-05-2015, 07:25 PM   #14
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Thinking of you all and hope you're keeping safe.

Hannah, would it help you to talk about what you're trying to cope with right now? I worry about you, you know.

Amaryllis, I think it's quite normal to struggle with memory. I can certainly relate to that. It's ultimately a way for your mind to protect itself, but in time you will be able to open up more to yourself about the reality of what has happened.

J, I can understand how surreal it must be to try and describe the memories. I'm sorry that you went through that, and that your dad didn't notice. Do you think you're struggling more with the memories themselves or the fact that your dad didn't realise? I know what you're going through and am sending hugs.

To anyone I've missed I'm sorry and hope you continue feeling able to use this thread.

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Old 05-05-2015, 08:42 PM   #15
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I thank you so much for this wonderful thread J. I am so sorry everyone is struggling and has suffered so much. Tomorrow I am going inpatient for trauma and my eating disorder. I feel fat worthless and a monster. The images are constant and I know the memories will take over when I eat again and violate myself. I'm terrified it feels so real over and over again x

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Old 05-05-2015, 09:02 PM   #16
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Sending you all thoughts of love and support, I hope you are all okay.

J, your experience sounds incredibly distressing, I'm sorry. But well done for writing that, I can imagine that was difficult in itself. Have you opened up to professionals about this? Thinking of you <3

Ama, you did well even beginning to start writing the email, it's a great start. Try not to be hard on yourself, it's okay to struggle with memories but it will get easier.

Jessie, I'm sorry things are difficult at the moment, but it sounds as though going IP will be really helpful for you although I understand it will be scary. I hope IP is helpful for you and they are able to give you the support need and deserve. Try and remember no matter how hard it seems it will get better.

Thank you J, how are you doing? There is no need to worry, I'm just finding it difficult to stay safe. I'm trying to cope with functioning as a human and working, while managing memories, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, and most recently increasing thoughts of suicide, which altogether I'm massively failing! Sorry wow thank you.

Stay safe everyone.




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Old 05-05-2015, 09:26 PM   #17
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Hannah, you're coping with all that and finding it hard to stay safe and wonder why I'm worried?! You're going through a lot but you're not failing, you're fighting.

I have had a bit of a hard time going back to work and coping with dissociation/voices. Particularly today as a lot of it was a child's voice and it was hard to distinguish whether it was a DID thing or just a hallucination thing.

Jessie I hope IP helps. It will be hard but hopefully also worth it, and I hope it feels like a safe space for you.

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Old 06-05-2015, 03:23 PM   #18
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J, I'm sorry you're struggling with dissociation and voices, it sounds incredibly difficult an I can imagine quite confusing when it's a child's voice. Is there anything which helps or distinguish between? Or helps quieten the voices?

Thank you J, sorry I didn't mean to make you worry! I realise now it sounds a lot worse than it actually is... Thank you for your kind words <3




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Old 06-05-2015, 03:31 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Epicene View Post
J, I can understand how surreal it must be to try and describe the memories. I'm sorry that you went through that, and that your dad didn't notice. Do you think you're struggling more with the memories themselves or the fact that your dad didn't realise? I know what you're going through and am sending hugs.
I think it's a mix of both. I don't blame my dad, though I probably should. I think I'm struggling most of all with the memories. I can still feel their hands on me, hear their voices, see the flash as they took pictures. It's awfully scary. I've taken prn though so hopefully that will help.

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I thank you so much for this wonderful thread J. I am so sorry everyone is struggling and has suffered so much. Tomorrow I am going inpatient for trauma and my eating disorder. I feel fat worthless and a monster. The images are constant and I know the memories will take over when I eat again and violate myself. I'm terrified it feels so real over and over again x
Good luck in IP. You're not fat or a monster. You're a young woman struggling with terrible things that have happened. You deserve the help and support offered to you and I really hope you can use it. <3
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J, your experience sounds incredibly distressing, I'm sorry. But well done for writing that, I can imagine that was difficult in itself. Have you opened up to professionals about this? Thinking of you <3


Thank you J, how are you doing? There is no need to worry, I'm just finding it difficult to stay safe. I'm trying to cope with functioning as a human and working, while managing memories, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, and most recently increasing thoughts of suicide, which altogether I'm massively failing! Sorry wow thank you.

Stay safe everyone.
I've talked to my psychologist about it a bit, but not in much detail. I may ask if I can write it all down in a letter to gve to her became I find voicing the words difficult.

I'm sorry you're struggling with flashbacks too. I know it feel really scary, but I try to remind myself after that the're not real, and I'm safe, and nothing like that is happening to me now. Maybe a flashcard would help you to remember it's in the past. You deserve life love. Not suicide.




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Old 06-05-2015, 06:15 PM   #20
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Quote:
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J, I'm sorry you're struggling with dissociation and voices, it sounds incredibly difficult an I can imagine quite confusing when it's a child's voice. Is there anything which helps or distinguish between? Or helps quieten the voices?

Thank you J, sorry I didn't mean to make you worry! I realise now it sounds a lot worse than it actually is... Thank you for your kind words <3
It doesn't sound worse than it is! It's what you're going through and it is serious.

I've been taking PRN when getting overwhelmed with voices which helps take the edge off things. At the moment I've been mainly trying to accept it but it's not easy. Also noticing that dissociation is increasing, and I know it's partly because I'm quite busy and stressed out right now. It is kind of scary having a child's voice/behaviour around me because I don't really know what it means (and I usually try to deal with things by rationalising why it's happening). I also dissociated today a few times and (this feels so hard to even admit) bought kid's toys whilst out, with no recollection at all. There's obviously worse things I could have bought as in the past I've bought thing to self harm with whilst dissociated, but it just confuses me and raises the DID stuff.

Also J, am thinking of you and hope that today is a bit better for you in terms of coping with memories. I wasn't suggesting you should blame your dad, because it is obviously very complex, just curious about what you feel the main issues are right now.

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