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Old 20-07-2012, 12:39 PM   #1
infinitely
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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4 years down the drain.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I was only one month from four years of recovery, and today I slipped. I killed my butterfly, I ruined everything. I feel so small. I feel like I've failed myself. I have no idea what to do. I never thought I would be back at this, but I am. That's four years of hard work that I just flushed down the toilet.

I'm just so angry, I wasn't thinking straight. I'm dealing with a breakup (although that's not the entire reason for slipping up), and I don't know. This was supposed to be such a great time in my life, because I was really getting back on my feet, and now I just don't know. I have no idea where to go from here.




your heart is a muscle the size of your fist
keep on loving, keep on fighting
and hold on, and hold on, hold on for your life


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Old 20-07-2012, 12:41 PM   #2
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You've not lost all that time you managed to hold the impulses safely. You still achieved all that you did then.

It sounds like things are profoundly stressful right now, and that you need support to help you through, some to talk to and help you feel safe.

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Old 20-07-2012, 03:24 PM   #3
Catharsis
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I'm sorry you slipped up. But i think you must remember that a slip up doesn't have to become a relapse. You said you weren't thinking straight, so it sounds as though you don't want to continue to harm yourself? This is a good mindset to hold onto if it can help you be positive. You can pick yourself back up.

Would you like to talk about what triggered this slip up?

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Old 20-07-2012, 03:37 PM   #4
infinitely
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I don't even really know, I was just so angry, both due to the breakup and due to extreme body dysphoria (which I always deal with) and general sadness over just having said good bye to a lot of friends. I don't know, it's not just once thing, it's just sort of everything boiling up.

And when that's combined with my anger, it's not good. I don't think/hope I will continue, but on the other hand I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up completely.




your heart is a muscle the size of your fist
keep on loving, keep on fighting
and hold on, and hold on, hold on for your life


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Old 20-07-2012, 03:54 PM   #5
Catharsis
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Perhaps releasing some of your anger healthily will allow you to be able to think more clearly. I like to remember all the reasons i stopped in the first place; and im sure you've come a long way in 4 years.
Do you have anyone with you could talk with during this hard time?

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Old 20-07-2012, 04:07 PM   #6
infinitely
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I have a therapist, but my next appointment isn't schedule until September and I'd rather not schedule a new one yet because I think maybe I can handle it myself. I have some friends I can talk to as well.




your heart is a muscle the size of your fist
keep on loving, keep on fighting
and hold on, and hold on, hold on for your life


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