Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 08-12-2010, 12:24 AM   #1
Char girl
A blank page that only you can fill
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
I am currently:
Always feel empty and tearful during/after sex?

Whenever I'm doing something intimate I always seem to be fighting back tears and I just feel really down and empty. I just broke up with my long term boyfriend, so usually you might think it was because I miss him, but it happened even when I was with him too - a guy I loved and thought was right for me. I hate sex. I honestly feel like I would be happier if I never had to do it. I always feel like I'm being used or violated, even if the guy is perfectly nice and caring.

People keep saying it'll be different with the right person. But will it really? I loved my ex yet I still hated sexual intimacy. Could it be to do with my low self esteem? I have a lot of hang ups about sex, a history of sexual repression, and I have anxiety and mild OCD.

Char girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2010, 01:02 AM   #2
stella
 
stella's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: australia
I am currently:

hey there,

i have struggled with the same thing, and like you said, even when it was with a nice, gentle guy that i loved, and who loved me.

i have spent many years avoiding sex because of it. like you, i would have been happy to never have sex again. i hated it.

i guess you can see how your history has contributed to this feeling. and it can be a really hard one to work through. don't feel bad for it. you don't have to do anything you don't want to. if you don't like it, you don't have to do it.

if you ever feel ready, maybe you could talk to a counselor about it. but in the meantime, don't be hard on yourself.

the only other thing i'll say is that after a lifetime of sexual problems, i am now able to enjoy it. it took a long time, and had nothing to do with finding the "right" person. i would never have been able to imagine it was possible, but it happened eventually.

maybe one day you can enjoy it too, but until then, it's okay to not like it. remember that you are in control, even if it doesn't feel like it. you say who, and when, you can say no...

look after yourself xo.



stella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2010, 01:18 AM   #3
Char girl
A blank page that only you can fill
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
I am currently:

Hey stella, thanks for replying! It helps to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

"had nothing to do with finding the "right" person"

Thanks for this bit, I feel like this is the only honest comment I've ever heard on the subject. Everyone seems so idealistic - I have a friend who's never had sex and she so strongly believes that it'll be great as long as you're with someone you love. It made me feel worse for not enjoying it with my ex, made me start questioning whether I really loved him. But this seems much more realistic and honest - my feelings come from me and my past, not from the guy I'm with.

:) x

Char girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2010, 02:11 AM   #4
stella
 
stella's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: australia
I am currently:

i know what you mean. i was with my first boyfriend for a long time, and used to feel really bad about not being able to relax, and for many months at a time, i wouldn't/couldn't let him near me. sometimes i would have sex with him just cause i felt bad it had been so long. and the whole time, i was completely in love with him.

here anytime if you want to talk more xo

stella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2010, 03:44 PM   #5
shieldworld
Kat
 
shieldworld's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Newcastle, UK
I am currently:

Sorry if this isn't helpful, am insanely drunk.
My boyfriend isn't ok with me and sex at the moment. I don't want to, he thinks I don't find him sexually attractive...




Psychology, NCL, 2010.




shieldworld is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2010, 07:33 PM   #6
Opus.
Amongst The Bookshelves
 
Opus.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Wonderland
I am currently:

I often find myself crying during/after sex, and I feel sort of empty during certain sexual acts, and i'm with a guy that I love and trust completely. So no, you're not alone with this. Hope you're okay.



You are a wonderful creation.
You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know.


Opus. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2010, 11:30 PM   #7
JaffaCake.
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Manchester, UK.

I often get more emotional after sex, rather than during. Although, as Tre said, some sexual acts can make me feel empty and a little lost? I'm quite an emotional person anyway and sex is an extremely intimate thing between two people.. I think it's just my Boy that makes me cry. :P

You're definitley not alone in this one.

Take care,
M x

JaffaCake. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2010, 01:10 PM   #8
Aimless
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
I am currently:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Char girl View Post
I honestly feel like I would be happier if I never had to do it.
And as long as you say and think this, I find it hard to believe you could enjoy it. Not when it's perceived as something you HAVE to do. You don't have to. Ever. Never forget that.

I agree in that I don't believe it's about finding the right person, and then it's magically all okay. I DO believe that with the right person, one you trust and hopefully love... well - that with this person you can work on changing your feeling on the subject, if you want to. Because the right person will respect your boundaries. For me sex used to be a very complicated subject, and I hated it no matter who with. It just took me a long time to figure out why.

Why do you believe sex to be something you have to do? Because some might say it's expected in adult relationships? (I don't like to write out that rubbish, but yeah..) Because you are afraid your partner will get impatient?

No matter what the reasons, intimacy can stir up a lot of emotions. Sometimes I'm not able to get close to someone not because of them, or because of fear, but just because I don't feel able to face so much feeling, if that makes sense.

No idea if that was the least bit helpful.

Aimless is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2010, 09:56 PM   #9
Char girl
A blank page that only you can fill
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
I am currently:

It was helpful, thank you :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aimless View Post
I DO believe that with the right person, one you trust and hopefully love... well - that with this person you can work on changing your feeling on the subject, if you want to. Because the right person will respect your boundaries.
Maybe this was why it never felt right with my ex, even though I loved him. He never worked on trying to change my feelings about sex - he started off by accepting that I didn't want to do it, while also letting me know that he disagreed with and didn't understand my reasons, then he tried to push me into sex and got moody or angry whenever he didn't get it.

I told him straight out that the only way to get me to do it was not to pressure me, to give me time. But he couldn't. He dismissed my reasons and feelings as unimportant compared to his sexual pleasure. This is one of the things that led to the resentment and arguments that caused us to break up. So I completely see what you mean there.

As for why I believe sex is something I have to do... I think it's just society's opinion in general. You tell someone you're in a committed heterosexual relationship which doesn't involve sexual intercourse, and they look at you like you're crazy.

I think that's partly why I can't bring myself to enjoy it, aside from personal reasons - I feel like it's culturally mandated, not freely chosen.

Also, one of my ex's emotionally manipulative techniques was to tell me that no man would wait for sex as long as he had... and I guess I came to believe that. Who's ever going to stay with me long enough to marry me, or live with me, or really know me without getting any sex? Would any man actually do that? Not any I've met. I can't help thinking that my ex showed the most understanding I'm ever going to get from a man.

Char girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2010, 10:48 PM   #10
Aimless
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
I am currently:

Reading your last post does make me angry. Not at you, but at your ex. It's not right to ignore your feelings that way and push you to do things you weren't comfortable with. In that situation, who'd want to have sex? That doesn't make you odd, it just makes him an idiot.

I see your point about society, but really, what business of others is it? What goes on in your private life should be as private as you want it to. (I know it doesn't feel that simple, but there you have it.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Char girl View Post
Also, one of my ex's emotionally manipulative techniques was to tell me that no man would wait for sex as long as he had... and I guess I came to believe that. Who's ever going to stay with me long enough to marry me, or live with me, or really know me without getting any sex? Would any man actually do that? Not any I've met. I can't help thinking that my ex showed the most understanding I'm ever going to get from a man.
It's good that you recognise it as manipulation - because that's all it is. It takes time to get rid of these beliefs, though, I know. That guy sounds a lot like an ex-boyfriend of mine. "I'm the only one who'd ever put up with you" - when you hear it often enough, it sticks. But there are better men out there who WILL respect you.

Saying no can be scary, especially if you've come to expect a guilt trip. But any guy worth dating should accept it - and if he doesn't, you're better off without him. I'm not saying there is no possibility of arguments. I've had a lot of discussion with partners about it, who thought that because I didn't want to have sex with them, I wasn't interested. I had to explain my reasoning quite a few times, and that it had nothing to do with their looks or their personality, just with me. Some people can deal with that.

Sorry for the book.. but this feels personal, and it's just not fair for anyone to feel pressured into doing anything. Keep talking if you like - it can be a relief.

Aimless is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is ON
Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:58 PM.

Back to top