Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - what the hell came over me, why did i think it was worth bothering with?
id always hated psychologists and councillers because of previous experience with them, but about 3 months ago my friends were begging me to see someone who could help better than they could.
so i finally gave in and made an appointment with my town counciller. 4-6 week waiting list for every appointment mind you. so 6 weeks passed, 6 weeks of complete terror heh. i went and saw him, it wasnt so bad, he didnt really give any advice, just said stuff i already knew, but i figured first time, why not try. make another appointment, 4 weeks this time, 4 weeks pass, i go, same thing happens, he just repeats what i already know, and says hes glad for me over and over because of a big change that happened. i make an appointment, 5 weeks. it was today and i decided not to go, he hasent been helping me, and waiting months for an appointment is stupid, we spend 3/4 of the time trying to catch up with whats changed because so much is going on in my life right now. ive asked for what to do and he dosent give an answer, he repeats the couple of things i told him, then tells me to take it slow, not to worry, deal with things as they come, i dont need to have everything worked out. hes more a venting point than anything else, and hes male while im talking about things like rape, so i was never comfortable with him to begin with.
a friend of mine has been seeing someone who comes down from the city and suggested i look into it. my parents dont want me seeing anyone, but i finally got them to enquire today. they take me into the hospital, i get a phone number, call them. they tell me someone will call me back, someone does call me back and starts asking me a whole lot of questions about whats going on. i answer as best i can, alot of it being hard to talk about. they say theyll call me back. she does, and basicly says that because of professional courtisy they cant take me and i should tell my other counciller i want strategys and advice not a venting post. as soon as i realised they were bouncing me back i started crying so i didnt even argue with them, i said i dont know how that will work, waited for them to finish and hung up. now im still crying
im not even going to bother going back to the old one. i already asked for strategys as best i could, and hes a male, and i dont get to see him enough to make any real progress. they said that if he has mental health concerns for me they will take me, but apparently theyve assumed that i just need to be helped to learn how to cope (yeah they actually said that). the lady on the phone didnt even realise that the loss of the voice wasnt the hardest thing, it was these damned nightmares that have gotten worse. none of them realise how hard even going to the counciller the first time was for me, and then calling and bearing everything to this stranger, not that any of them care. im just a number in a messed up system where i seem to have no say in who helps me.
i live in the middle of nowhere and cant see well enough to drive, my parents dont want me seeing anyone so those were my only two options, i dont know of anyone else around or even near here that could help me.
and you know whats bugging at me more than anything? she actually told me they have all the stuff on file so if i call back they can pull it up. yeah, cause i really want that open for the whole world to read, and to be reminded of it when ive just been told they dont want anything to do with me. thanks lady.
i see all my friends getting therapy and help and support, and you guys on here too, it seems everyone who wants it has it and even some that dont. but ive always been forgotten. my parents dont beleive mental illness exists, they only time theyve ever taken notice is when they see my cutting and start yelling at me for it. and i actually wanted help for once, i overcame my fear and decided i could do this. i want help! but no one cares, no one wants to give it to me.
what the hells the point. and god i feel like cutting at the moment, and that scares me more. i dont feel like that, she did, i dont want to. and yet i feel i deserve it now. its all i deserve... stupid girl. i guess i overreact, i see all these other people with real problems. mine arent real i guess, if they were id be getting help too. i should stop acting up and being upset about nothing.
oh sweetheart thats awful! *huge huggles* please don't cut :(
I can't believe that, thats so terrible, you're not a waste of time at all.
I have no experience of the system in Aus but from what i can gather its completely messed up.
I don't really know what advice to give other than to perhaps go back and see our first counsellor and ask him for the number of a more experienced therapist who's perhaps specialised in dealing with cases of abuse and rape. That way it doesn't sound too rude that you want to go and see someone else, but you hopefully get more of the help you need. Keep trying regardless of your parents and the system, you can get through this. You'll always have our love and support Emmy.
Keep us updated and stay safe.
Love Amy xxxx
awwww honey, *huggles* i don't really condone lying, but couldn't you tell your parents theres going to be a big day out in the city with your friends, get them to drive you to a random point in the city, and once theyre gone walk to your appointment?
thats pretty much what i've done with mine, they think i'm going out with friends when i'm going to the counsellor
that would work once possibly, but not reguarly. im thinking of trying to sort something out when i go to this tech college next semester, its in a larger town... i just dont know if i should even bother anymore. im sick of it.
I know its going pretty tough for you at the moment but if you don't like your counselor then they can't do anything. But for a referral line to just bump you off, thats insane. *huggles* you are very strong and you made the first step, and you know your friends and everyone here will support your decision. Sometimes the state doesn't really work right, well, a lot; but that won't stop you Em. I know its strange but I agree with ToLiveIsToLovePain, perhaps you should get dropped off in the city and say you are meeting up with friends. But considering, I could always just catch the bus with you in, and give you some support :)
You are truly a beautiful, caring and considerate person, and since you manage to listen to others I think it's time we are given the chance to care for you. Please don't go back to cutting; even if she did it doesn't mean you have to use the same. You don't deserve it, you are more than useless girl! I say find another way to release. Write some more poetry? You like to ride your bike a lot, perhaps you could try fitting in more of that. Or you could always fall into my fave - listening to some good rock and pouring your soul into it
Finally, please remember that we may have problems, but you do too. ( I know that sounds bad but what I mean is just because its your problem doesn't mean its worthless)yours are real, and we'll treat it that way. And I hope you do find help soon Em, Its just hard to get these days. You'll be great Em, and you'll always have someone here for you. You are allowed to get upset about things, it'd be inhuman not to; and even if you think its small its still something. I'll be your crazy supporter, and I'll be there to help pick you up when you're down again. Otherwise I'll just be worthless as a friend and you should fire me for not being good enough Seriously though, you are doing a great job of being you Em, even if you do overreact; but I do, others do, its normal when you've had it hard. Triggers just start popping up everywhere, and are good at finding the worst times to come into play. They must be plotting conspiracy's or something. *more hugs*
hey emmy *huggles*
dont apologise for posting were all here for you.
im sorry youre having such a rough time right now.
finding the right therapist is hard and can take a while, im sorry that you feel as if you have no support.
i dont really know what to say to you, but i hope that you can get some help when you move.
x x x
Just because you've had some bad counsellors or therapists doesn't mean they all suck. You need a good, female psych who knows what she's doing. *hugs and cuddles* Don't worry Emmy, there is someone who can help you, we just need to find them. And we're always here for you when you're upset.
thanks guys. i just dont know if its worth it at this point... its so frustrating. but ill look at browns plains when i start college next semester, and see what i can find there. it peeves me off i apparently have no say in who i see
i appriciate the support, i just felt like crap yesterday.
I ended up having to wait until I was mostly by myself in order to get help. You can do it. It just takes a very very long time, at least in my experience. I too saw all of my friends getting help and shutting me out of things because of circumstances.
But I'm still here. You can do it too. Delete this if it's not any help. Sorry.
Hey you are doing great em; and sometimes we just have bad days! And don't worry, if you are having trouble getting a choice on it, let me know and I'll rough someone up for you ;) *huggles* I hope you have a better day today.
thank you everyone.. I'll see what happens in a few weeks :)
I have two questions for you all, and I thought of putting them in a new thread, but figured I'm already the post whore lol, so prehaps not :)
Firstly, if I work myself into a panic attack, like I did last night with a few things, it can last for days. Itll be the last thing I think of at night therefor it becomes the first thing I think about in the morning, while I'm sensitive, so it just drags on until I finally calm down. Is this normal? Does anyone else get this? and how do I stop it, stop this damned chain.
Also, I havent been able to handle physical contact of any kind with males since my last boyfriend. But I'm going on a training camp next week that will involve contact and has two male leaders... help!?
yeah, there are things I should be asking a therapist, sorry to dump them on you guys..