Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Dreams
Since I was 9 years old ive had dreams and nightmares of being beaten or raped. they involved things a kid that age should never have thought of, and as i got older they went from dreams to sort of visions i would get in the day, like flashbacks, except they wernt real. when i was 12 i ended up creating a whole lot of these visions that intertrined with each other and became lost, i had trouble staying in reality because the nightmares and visions were more real to me, i had an entire little world. and i still get them today. ive never worked out why they started, though many theories have been made. is it possible theyre a sign of suppressed memories of something happening when i was young? the thing is, by the time i was 11 or so they were so common they didnt even scare or upset me anymore, infact there was a part of me that wanted to see them, that enjoyed it for some reason, i guess because it was an escape from the real world, and despite the pain i also had alot of comfort in this world and in each of the visions, there was always someone there afterwards or with me, helping me, making me feel ok. or someone i had to protect. it wasnt untill a year or two ago that i got them and saw myself alone and no one comming afterwards, and those still scare me.
if anyone can make sence of these please tell me, because to this day i dont know, but more and more i wonder if i have some supressed memories. i dont remember alot of my childhood, i admit that. but still... oh i dont know... i guess its just bugging me again. a 9 year old should never see the things i saw in my mind. theres no real explanation for it. i dont want to be too graphic for obvious reasons but.. yeah, i dunno... help?