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Old 08-07-2016, 11:31 AM   #1
Ginger_nerd
 
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Contains sexual abuse - My story

It all started in 2nd grade, the day i moved halfway across the country to start again as my parents put it. I walked into this new classroom a bigger school a bigger town. That's when I met him, the kid who at the time would be my best friend, later my boyfriend, and soon after my abuser. He was my first friend in this new world as I saw it. We later lost touch and didn't start talking again until my freshman year of highschool, although I watched him grow up from afar. After a breakup with his first girlfriend I found myself talking to him alot. I later broke up with my boyfriend at the time and began dating him in November. That summer before it was perfect and he said all the right things and gave me all the right feelings and reasons to trust. I was adventurous. At least with my words, sexually. Said I'd do things, sent pictures and texts I shouldn't have at that age, now in my sophmore year of highschool. He thought I was all too risky, and i guess putting out too much. Although I didn't see it that way. It was that spring that it all really happened. Before there were many forced hand jobs and blow jobs, always me doing it for him. But that spring is when it happened. I remember it all to vividly, it was a cold spring day just sunny enough to have an excuse to go on one of our famous walks, the only way he could truely get me alone. I went along not knowing how bad it would be this time. We got down to the river and he said the perfect things and kissed me. Which turned into me on the ground him hovering over me. He had removed my top. And was working on pulling his own pants down. I was frozen and confused it was all happening so fast, i was barely 16. He was still 15. He pushed my back down into the sand, yanked my legs ajar and started pulling my pants doa. I shook my head and told him no, but my meak words didn't stop him. He proceeded pushing himself unto me. I was trying to not resist and to go along becayse I knew it would be worse if i did resist. It hurt worse that I could ever remember and pain being. He got bored of me just laying there and insisted I had a turn on top, reluctantly and remorsefully I did as he asked. But i couldnt do it, I quickly jumped up and pulled my pants up and grabbed my top, headed to the water to try to get the mud stains out of my clothes. As I was bent over washing the sand from pants he came up behind me, pants still undone and smacked me as hard as he could. He then pushed my knees to the ground and stood in front of my face, the worst force on the back of my head. After he was finished with me, he pulled up his pants and headed back to his house. I followed behind. When we got to the door his mother asked what had happened to me and why I was all muddy. Before I could utter a word he told her I had fallen during our walk. If only she would have known the truth. It happened one more time just before summer, during a cookout in his back yard. But after that I broke up with him. And started a new journey of feeling worthless and full of blame and guilt. I didnt tell a soul until just before graduation. My family still doesn't know what happened that spring afternoon, in the sand by the river on our walk.

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Old 10-07-2016, 08:32 PM   #2
Pi.R^2
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Sorry you went through such a massive trauma. I'm glad that you've now broken up with this boy. What makes you feel guilt? This was entirely his fault.

Do you think it would help to talk to a counsellor about this to help you process what happened and start to be free of these negative feelings and judgments of yourself?



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 11-07-2016, 07:07 AM   #3
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Thank you. This actually happened about 2 years ago and I spent a year after wards trying to recover and deal with all the negative thoughts and feelings about myself to heal and although the process has been extremely difficult and long im doing much better. Although some days are far worse than others and i really struggle sometimes. I guess I saw it as my fault because I didn't fight back in the moment, I didn't speak up after, and i broke someone heart very badly before hand. I guess I didn't know my worth when it happened so then I just saw it as my fault because everything else bad had already been my fault. Idk if a counselor would help, I often talk to friends that know about it but I haven't yet told my family. I write alot of poetry about it and just write about it but that feeling of guilt will always be there i auppose ive learned to live with it.

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Old 31-07-2016, 10:55 PM   #4
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In your own words: " I was trying to not resist and to go along becayse I knew it would be worse if i did resist." You had a really good reason for not fighting back in the moment, and that doesn't in anyway make it your fault. No one should be in a position where they have to go through such a traumatic experience and on top of that be scared into not fighting back out of fear of it being even worse. And not speaking up afterwards is understandable; everyone has different ways of trying to cope with experiencing a trauma, and for some people that means they end up not telling anyone, for whatever reason. You mentioned breaking someone's heart- was this the previous boyfriend you broke up with? Deciding that a relationship isn't working anymore doesn't warrant anything bad happening to you. None of this is your fault.

Do you think maybe it would be worth a try talking to a counsellor just to see if they can offer some help? Even if you just have a few sessions and decide it's not for you, at least you'll know for sure that right now it's not the right option for you. I don't think that feeling of guilty necessarily has to be always there; hopefully with the right therapy you'll find yourself able to let go of some of that guilt.


Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 31-07-2016 at 11:01 PM.


We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 07-08-2016, 11:44 PM   #5
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Thank you, very much for the understanding and consideration. It has been a very difficult road for me to "forgive" my self for what happened to me and realize that it in no way was my fault, no matter how many times he or someone else told me that it was. Yes the breaking someones heart was in reference to a previous boyfriend, and many there after that toxic relationship. I haven't looked into counseling very much, just because I don't feel that I am ready to face those emotional demons yet. I hope one day soon to be able to let myself let go of that experience and the guilt and emotions that latch unto it. It has taken me along time to even get where I am right now. I have finally found a man who accepts this part of me and tries his best to understand the pain and trauma that I experienced. Some days are harder than others, but I will continue to fight and never give up on myself through this journey. i feel this is something that is now a part of my life and who I am and I wont ever be able to shed that, I may be able to let go of the pain and guilt and demons. But this experience and memory will never leave me. I will continue to fight through the days of sorrow and pain and enjoy the days of joy and hope. I am a survivor and I will continue to survive.

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Old 22-08-2016, 06:04 PM   #6
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You sounds like a very strong person and I'm glad you have the courage to continue to fight this and survive. I would really recommend looking into counselling when you feel able to, to hopefully help you move towards a place where you are able to let go of the pain, guilt and demons.

I'm here if you want to talk about anything.



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 24-08-2016, 12:50 PM   #7
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Thank you for your advice and kind words of support. I really do appreciate it so very much. This has been and i believe will constantly be a struggle/ battle that I will continuously have to fight. Although it may be unfair and something I never asked for.... its what it is and I have to accept and live with that. Thanks again for the support!
-Ginger_nerd

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