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Old 11-07-2012, 03:59 AM   #1
Ihavetobelieve33
The pain is never-ending.
 
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I Cut Today Too

I just finished SH. I feel a lot better and a lot worse. The wounds sting and are feeling sore and I feel miserable still. I am just as empty if not emptier and I want to keep SH. I'm not worth recovery. I used to be... but I am not anymore. I am so broken

:broken:





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Old 11-07-2012, 04:15 AM   #2
PointeLullaby
 
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You are worth recovery. Your worth does not change when you feel miserable or broken. You are worth so much more!



"You are imperfect and you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." -Brene Brown


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Old 11-07-2012, 04:27 AM   #3
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pointelullaby is completly correct..i think thats the truest thing iv heard all day.
you are definatly worth recovery,sure you relapsed but its all part of recovery.. in fact i did the same thing two days ago.just pick yourself up again,dust off, and start it over.
lets see how long you can go with out having to do it again (:







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Old 12-07-2012, 12:14 AM   #4
Ihavetobelieve33
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My depression has gotten bad again (it's always bad, I guess I should say really bad) and I am having those typical depression feelings of apathy, lack of desire to do anything, no motivation.. I used to be excited to recover. I thought I could do it. I thought I was worth it. And I was nearly a month free before a relapse. Something changed in me after that. I didn't have to wish to recover anymore. It got so bad that I didn't even have the want to SH either. I didn't feel compelled to do anything. And I don't know what's wrong with me. Now I just can't stop thinking about SH. Since I had tried to stop it has been a couple months. And I have done it several times. I just don't know how to believe that I'm worth it at all. I don't understand.





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Old 15-07-2012, 06:06 AM   #5
crazykat
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You are worth recovery, what makes you think that your not? Depression can often cloud our judgement of our self-worth but it doesn't mean we are worthless. You are worth fighting for.



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 15-07-2012, 03:13 PM   #6
Ihavetobelieve33
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I think I'm not because I'm me. I believe that everyone else is beautiful and worth. They have futures. They have friends and people who love them. I am nothing.





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Old 16-07-2012, 05:01 AM   #7
PointeLullaby
 
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You are not nothing. You are worth loving. You are worth it.
Sometimes the hardest people to love are ourselves..
I would encourage you to stop hating on yourself so much. Part of being able to believe you are worth it, is in fact believing, even if just for a moment every day until it becomes easier. Just know you are worth recovery, you are worth loving. Hear it, believe it. <3



"You are imperfect and you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." -Brene Brown


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Old 16-07-2012, 07:40 AM   #8
crazykat
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I agree with the above and could not have said it better. You are worth it.



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 16-07-2012, 02:57 PM   #9
Ihavetobelieve33
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I feel like if I told myself to believe that, that I'd be lying to myself.





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Old 19-07-2012, 09:18 AM   #10
crazykat
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It can be a hard thing to acknowledge that we are worth it but everyone is worth it no matter who they are. Do you have a counsellor who you can work through these difficult feelings with? Hold on there
Kat xxx



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 19-07-2012, 05:07 PM   #11
Porcelain Child
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You are worth recovering and you are not broken you are just having a tough time..

What made you self harm, is there anything going on to make you want to cut..

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Old 19-07-2012, 07:36 PM   #12
Ihavetobelieve33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazykat View Post
It can be a hard thing to acknowledge that we are worth it but everyone is worth it no matter who they are. Do you have a counsellor who you can work through these difficult feelings with? Hold on there
Kat xxx
Kat?





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Old 19-07-2012, 07:37 PM   #13
Ihavetobelieve33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Child View Post
You are worth recovering and you are not broken you are just having a tough time..

What made you self harm, is there anything going on to make you want to cut..
Yes. Stress and anxiety and fear and emptiness/numbness and feeling like a worthless pile of poo. The stress of the PTSD is horrible and I keep having bad dreams. I cut when things just become too much and I don't express them.. I can't.





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Old 20-07-2012, 11:32 AM   #14
crazykat
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Do you want to tell us a bit more about what is causing you to feel stressed and more anxious? Keep fighting hun, you will get through this



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 21-07-2012, 07:04 PM   #15
Ihavetobelieve33
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D(ad) & B(rother) have abused me for years. They caused my PTSD. I am stressed because nothing in my house is fair. I have gotten in trouble when it was my brother's fault. I have had to clean up after him. He has done awful things to me and I could do something mildly bad but all hell would break loose because of whatever I did.

My depression and anxiety stresses me because a lot of my friends are out having the times of their lives but I can't really do that. I fear I'd be bringing them down. And I have fibromyalgia and my concussion and injured back is still healing so physically I can't do much. And I am a very active person. I'd have at least 4 dance classes a week and rehearsals and I'd walk around and skip all day, etc. But now I can't. Dance is what I do. I miss it so much I don't even feel much anymore.

I lost a lot of friends (who were never really 'friends' I guess) when I couldn't go to school anymore this past year because of my injuries. They just didn't care. One girl, who I have danced with for years and was in my little group of friends and such, texted me months after I had not been showing up for class, and I got excited because I thought she was texting me to ask how I was doing... She just texted me asking to borrow my character shoes (a type of dance shoe). That had pretty much summed up my life. I bust my ass for people I care about and I will be empathetic and genuinely loving. That's who I am... but people mistreat me all the time. And it kills me because I don't know why.

I was going to kill myself last week but I didn't obviously.. I waited. I really would've done it too. The main things stopping me is my mum. I love her so much. I cannot even fully explain. She is always there for me. She drove me to all my performances and takes care of me when I'm sick and drove me to school when I had my cast and crutches. She is why I'm alive. I can't even live for myself anymore because I feel like I have not future. I feel worthless and disgusting.

And I am now being evaluated, if you will, for an ED. It's all... too much. Some people have issues and they are really hard to deal with but it feels like I have seriously been dealt a horrid hand. I have so many things going on in a tiny amount of time. I'm not trying to say I have it worse than everyone else on the planet. I just wish I had more time to process it all. All this stuff has been happening within the last year!





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