God, I'm so stressed right now... I typed out a very very long letter to my therapist and dropped it off at her office this afternoon.... I don't know what I was thinking... I told her everything... it started with me just writing a letter to say sorry for bringing my kitty in with me last week, but it was the only way I could think of to keep myself safe afterwards cuz I thought last week would be hard, what with having to meet the new therapist and all (tho the new one who I'll start with next week actually isn't that bad- I had already made up my mind I didn't like her before I met her, but she's actually pretty cool).... but then I just kept going on, and told my therapist how when she had asked if I ever purged and I said no, that that was a lie- that I hadn't in a long time, at least I hadn't when she had asked me that question, tho I have a few times recently, and I told her about how even just the few baby carrots I had the other day was just too much and just pushed me over the edge, and I told her about my mom calling and saying I can't contact her any more and how it's been making me just have this constant urge to cut and how I'm barely eating and everything else that's been going on...
I'm scared now though. I want to take that letter back. Maybe I should call the counseling center and ask them not to give it to her? You think they'd do that for me? I'm worried what she'll do and what her reaction will be after she reads it :(
*sigh* At least hopefully by tomorrow afternoon-ish the pharmacy will be able to have my new medication in stock that my cardiologist order, it's something that'll correct one of my heart problems and also help raise my pulse and bloodpressure too, the other one he had me on caused it to drop too low and it's already too low, so he said this medicine should be a better fit, just most pharmacies have to order it and don't readily carry it, I miss being on the other medication though because at least it took away all my anxiety (which the doctor said is most likely caused by my heart conditions).
Thanks guys... I really hope you're right, that writing to her was the right thing to do... I'm just terrified about what will happen now. I just don't want her to be able to force me to go to the hospital, I can't have that right now. Especially not with my little kitten. I need Andy, and she needs me.... but I need her more. She's the only thing that makes me happy, the only one who gets me to eat... I've been trying harder for her, I really have, even though I'm still not eating enough, at least I'm trying now... it's just so hard sometimes... I even went out to eat and ate a sandwich earlier because we got to go to this place that had an outside seating section, so I got to bring Andy with me and she helped me eat and it's still hard but it's a bit easier with her, and if they put me in the hospital I won't have her any more, and I don't know who would take care of her, and I'd probably just hurt myself more, losing my other cat when I had to euthanize him was hard enough, I can't lose her too....
I can't, I can't do this... Some fire trucks just went down the street a block or so away... I could tell they were just fire trucks and not police, and they weren't headed in this direction, but still, I got scared, and my first instinct was to just run... I still want to run... I'm so afraid that she's gonna read that letter today and then send the cops out to get me or something to take me to the hospital, without even talking to me first herself... she's just gonna send them over to my house and have them force me to go... then I'd be in the hospital, and be away from my kitten, AND I wouldn't have the chance to say goodbye to my therapist either tomorrow... ****... I shouldn't have written that letter... I don't know what to do now, I'm scared... someone help, please?
she wont, i dont think they're allowed- unless you're suicidal and said that. ed's dont count with the confidentiality thing- so they legally cant say anything. i know how you feel, i was terrified after giving my psych a letter about my ed/cutting too, but it'll be ok.
let us know how it goes.
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Nobody can FORCE you into hospital. Not without getting a court order to section you under the mental health act. And to do that you would have to be in very severe danger, i.e. literally about to drop dead of malnutrition, and hospital would really be where you needed to be!! But apart from that scenario, they can't force you, you ALWAYS have the right to say no.
I know it's scary. I am scared too. But it doesn't commit you to anything. You can always say you are not ready to talk about it any more just yet. They cannot legally force you into treatment and they certainly can't force you to go to hospital.
You and your kitten will be just fine, try to relax a bit and take your mind off it. x
I saw her today, for the last time. She didn't do anything, you were right. We didn't talk about it much. She was too busy trying to ask how I was doing with it being our last time meeting and all. Then I find out that I'm not allowed to call her at all any more, and I can't call the new therapist until next week after I meet with her... stupid ****ing rules... I feel like they hid that part from me. Had I known, I could have had my last appointment with this therapist on Friday, and I could have had the first one with the new one on Monday, so I would have only had to make it thru a couple days.
My old therapist actually WANTED me to bring the kitten in today too :( I didn't, because we had been over it a ton of times before that there's no animals allowed... but I snuck the kitten in before anyway, and she was acutally hoping I'd not listen to her and bring the kitty back today. I almost did, but I didn't want to piss her off the last time I ever saw her. Now I wish I would have taken that gamble. Cut while I was driving home, and I feel like **** now and I told myself I can't eat anything until next week after I see the new therapist, and even then I'm not sure I'll feel like eating. I may go get a few drinks tonight tho, so that wouldn't be so bad, I'd still be getting calories, right?
I'm all on my own for the next week, no one to talk to if I need help or support, and it sucks. I hate that I ended up relying on therapy this much, I really do. I hate that I cried as soon as I left, and that I cut as soon as I left, and that it took 2 whole hours for me to be able to stop crying... and I NEVER cry. For a while, I wasn't sure I even knew how to any more. I'm afraid to try to eat for the next week because it's such a hard thing, and I NEED to have someone to support me through that. I didn't call my old therapist all that much, if I called she knew things were really really bad. But it meant a lot to know that I COULD call if I had to.
I almost wish I could go to the hospital right now... for a few days anyway, til I had to work on Saturday night... I work the weekends, so then it won't be so bad I guess. I just don't know if I'll be able to make it thru this next week and still be alive by the end of it. :(
If you get rid of the pain before you have answered its questions, you get rid of the self along with it.