BMI/Numbers/Weight Triggers - am i in trouble?
ok, i havent posted much in the past, but here goes.... having a crisis at the moment, over 4000 cals net neg today, nearly 4500. am a little scared that i am going too far. i had AN and BN years ago but managed to maintain a reasonable weight for a few years... (48kg @ 5'4) (18.2 BMI). recently i have been put on new meds that have made me balloon out to 60 Kg (22 BMI). although the numbers say that this is the upper end of normal i could not live like that it made me hate myself again. i have always hated myself to some extent but this has made the fat fairy rear its ugly fat head.... i used to average 1250 net neg and this made sure everyone stayed off my back unless they hadnt seen me for a couple of weeks. i am a failure. how could i let myself get like this? how could i gain that much fat? i failed my neice who was more like a daughter to me. when she really needed me i turned her away just like everyone else in her life. when my first daughter needed me i turned her away too. why am i so selfish? i am so out of my league. i am pretending to be a person in a responsible field (work), where people turn to me for help. who am i kidding? i couldnt even help the people i promised could trust me! why is my love never enough. i try to love people and it destroys their lives. i wish i could stop. i wish i could just switch off like so many people can. why is it that when i love people that they end up worse. why does my love destroy their lives? i just dont get it! i think i need to sleep now. at least when i sleep i cant do any harm.