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Old 22-12-2008, 12:33 AM   #1
abba12
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Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - *Updated, new question* Sex after Sexual Abuse? *Graphic!*

(please scroll to bottom of this post for update)

Hi everyone...

I don't know how many of my old friends are still here, I hope they're all safe. I used to be a regular here but it got to the point where being here became more dangerous for me, as I would trigger myself with your stories as a form of punishment for myself.

My life is finally piecing back together now. Wether I can return here as a support member I don't know, but I hope you guys will grant me one more thread of help despite my absence.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : My past, condenced.
My story is a bit complicated, but in the short and slightly inaccurite version, I was sexually abused very regularly, very agressivly, from the age of 9 until recently, 17. I was also forced to do bad things with other people over internet chats and phone, and a couple in real life.


I'm finally free of self harm :), and while the effects of the abuse are still strong I'm working through them. I have a boyfriend now, and he is so patient with me, he is the sort of man any girl here who isn't struggling with the need for another abusive man would dream of. He is just... unbeleivable :)

But, sexuality has become a problem. Between 'working' and the absuse and all, I've learnt any enjoyment of it to be a horrible horrible thing. He beleives in waiting until marriage for sex so that isn't so bad, but it's not nececarily the main thing that is frightening.

He touched my breasts for the first time earlier this week. I told him it was ok, I wanted him to do it, and he was careful to make sure I wasn't just saying that. I did, genuinly, want it. But when it happened, i detatched myself from the situation like I have so many times before, I barely felt his hands. I did feel them at one point, and I enjoyed it, I even moaned... I feel so ashamed and so dirty! People say I shouldn't but I do anyway, I feel like a slut, and all those memories of people saying i 'wanted' what happened to me are back... what if they're right?

Now my boyfriend feels like he did something wrong, he wants to back off. Despite the fact saying no and having him back off is a very bad thing for me to do in my mind, deserving of a lot of punishment even though it dosen't appear to be coming, I don't want him to feel bad. He did nothing wrong.

I don't know what to think, I feel sick to the stomach for wanting it, and as soon as I bring it up with him he gets upset about it going too far. But it didn't go too far, he did nothing wrong, for once it WAS my fault. I feel like I should hurt myself for showing the happiness I did, I should have been unattached to it, I shouldn't have wanted it... I'm such a ****ing whore <_< I did want it when they did stuff to me didn't I...

I've felt this shame before with him, when kissing and stuff, but I just convinced myself I was acting as passionatly as I was because he enjoyed it. He's told me he likes to know a woman is enjoying it, but I can't just ignore and pass it off this time, it's not just kissing, its further than that.

My head is such a mess, and he's been away all weekend so I haven't been able to speak with him except for the once we began to before he left, which went horribly, because I completely shut down and just kept saying ill do whatever he says and im sorry over and over again <_<

Damnit, I hate this. It's one thing for me to go through what I did, I deserved it. But he dosen't need to be brought into all this ****.

------------------------------------

Ok so there is an update and a new question from me...

We tried again last night, and we got to the same stage of him touching my breasts. I felt ok, mostly, so I told him he could do it. It went a lot better, and I was there, and aware, for the whole thing. I was safe :)

But when he started, I felt nothing. It was like when I touch the damaged skin where I've been cut, i felt the pressure from the general area, but no sensation like I do from the rest of my skin, no warmth or real touch or anything.

As things progressed I began to feel it, only for a couple of seconds at a time before it went away again, usually as he first touched them after having his hand away.

I've felt this before, it was only 6 months ago when I first began to feel any sort of sensations from between my legs. But I thought if I can feel stuff there now why cant I feel it on my breasts? Is it because it's him touching it?

Has anyone else had this issue, and how did you deal with it? I'm so unsure about things right now... I've no idea what I'm supposed to do.


Last edited by abba12 : 29-12-2008 at 07:37 AM. Reason: change title to update


Live to Dream and Dream to Live
A flash in the dark
Of a blade so clean
Memories of remorse
Thoughts left unseen
We can do this in time, we can be free
(Was written in late 2006. Now, finally, early 2008, I really am free, and it feels amazing)


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Old 22-12-2008, 01:42 AM   #2
shadow-light
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you didn't deserve any of it


have you spoken to your boyfriend about this? does he know any of what happened?




I have SERIOUS issues with sex and intermisy and physical contact too... but I've spoken to my boyfriend and we've been working through it together. granted at times it is hard, and rediculasly frustrating, but if the other person understand the reasons then they are more understanding about the whole thing and are less likely to blaime theirselves or think they've done something wrong


do you have any support? a councillor or anything? if so perhaps bring this up with them? they may have some suggestions, or be able to help you work through it

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Old 22-12-2008, 02:19 AM   #3
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i have trouble even being around some guys, so i can completely understand where you are coming from. however, you deserved none of it.

im really happy youve found such a wonderful boyfriend and that you are happy together

stay strong, take care
x

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Old 22-12-2008, 02:49 AM   #4
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Hey! You probably don't remember me much, but we used to post on this board a lot around the same time.

Anyway, this is something that I'm having a problem with in my relationship with my boyfriend. Here's what advice I can give you: take your time and be very open and honest with him. If you're not comfortable with a certain action or you need a break, tell him! If you're having conflicting feelings about something, let him know and talk it over.

Honestly, I cannot stress how important communication about this stuff is! It's important in relationships where one of the partners doesn't have this sort of past too.

Also, I'm very glad to hear from you again! Well, not glad that you're having problems, but very glad that you're doing much better overall. You're a wonderful person and you are always welcome here.



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Old 22-12-2008, 05:18 AM   #5
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I've spoken to him about it, we are very open about this stuff thankfully, and he's totally accepting of whats happened and is happening. But neither of us knows what to do. How do we approch it? If I just shut down until it's over... I don't know how to work through this. Should he back off? Should we keep trying, and until when? I don't know how to fix this mess.

The mugging analogy is really good Morrigan, thank you. I guess I know all that in my concious mind, but that dosen't stop the feelings sometimes, and I get carried away.

I don't have a counciller, and won't, at this point, be seeing one. I've had a lot of bad experiences with them and it's just something I won't do again, I've tried too many times already.

And of course I remember you Amaryllis!!! *huggles* I've missed all you guys. I'm glad to see you're ok as well.

I guess my biggest question is what actual strategies, and things on the practical side of it, do you guys use or have? How do you cope with it, how do you begin to make things feel ok, especially in the case of anyone else who feels unable to say no. I'm kinda learning to stop him, but only in select situations, and it's very frightening, but he always stops so that helps a lot.



Live to Dream and Dream to Live
A flash in the dark
Of a blade so clean
Memories of remorse
Thoughts left unseen
We can do this in time, we can be free
(Was written in late 2006. Now, finally, early 2008, I really am free, and it feels amazing)


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Old 22-12-2008, 05:29 AM   #6
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I found the old safe room movie the other night! I was so excited about it all over again that I watched it like eleven billion times.

*takes a deep breath*

Okay, here's what I do with my boyfriend: We go really really slowly. And we take breaks. We mix what I'm okay with and stuff I need to work on.

I also am a little bit of a freak about journaling. (All the time, like four big pages a day with itsy bitsy handwriting).

Something a former therapist suggested was perhaps learning to masturbate and kinda rewiring that part of yourself. Learning that touching there is all right, it's not going to hurt, and that it can feel good. I haven't tried that, but it is an option.



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Old 22-12-2008, 05:39 AM   #7
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I've experimented with that, and it's very dificult. The actual act of masturbation is one also seen as bad. I have learnt to, and at times even like it, but then I feel dirty and sick afterwards. I guess it's getting a bit better...

hehe i try journals, and then fail. i must have like 5 journals that i kept for a few months each :P

and wow, i missed out on the safe room movie i think, thats about the time i stopped showing up. i did watch it when it went out though, it was so awsome!



Live to Dream and Dream to Live
A flash in the dark
Of a blade so clean
Memories of remorse
Thoughts left unseen
We can do this in time, we can be free
(Was written in late 2006. Now, finally, early 2008, I really am free, and it feels amazing)


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Old 22-12-2008, 06:06 AM   #8
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It's all right that you have problems maintaining a journal. I have problems sometimes too. But it's worth it to stick to it.



Men come and go, but dust accumulates.

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Old 22-12-2008, 07:08 AM   #9
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*hugs* It's good to hear you're free from sh! *throws confetti* Congrats. You should probably try and just do things really slow, and integrate gounding techniques into anything sexual and make settings (room, scent, general atmosphere) different from whatever happened when you were hurt. Perhaps even talk to any therapist or counselor that specializes in these things, it would help.

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Old 22-12-2008, 07:39 AM   #10
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I think the thing with sex is there is a definate duality. The same act performed by either a loving partner or an abuser can be either a beautiful way of sharing yourself with the person you love or a horrible violation. When all you have experienced for a long time is the latter, you learn to associate that act with the latter.

Have you tried doing things to try and break that association? Maybe if after sexual contact with you boyfriend you tried to let yourself do something else nice and relaxing and enjoyable. When those feelings come over you, try and confront them and let yourself feel nice so you can tell yourself that this is a natural, wonderful thing that feels good and is the complete opposite of what happened to you before.

Sex is supposed to feel good. If what you do with your boyfriend makes you feel good than that is great. It means absolutely nothing when related to how you felt during your abuse because the situation is completely different. Try and let yourself feel good during it but without thinking that because you enjoy it now, you must have wanted or deserved it then. Sex is all about the person you are with and the circumstances where you have it.

One other thing that might help is to maybe get used to physical intimacy feeling good without it necessarily being sexual. Maybe try just having lots of cuddles or a massage or something with your boyfriend to get used to feeling good about intimate with him.

Just take things at your own pace. It sounds like you have a really understanding boyfriend so let him helpyou through it. Don't feel you have to do anythng you're not comfortable with but try and mix in things you aren't as good with with things that are okay.

*cuddles*





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Old 22-12-2008, 10:23 AM   #11
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*huggles*

I agree with everyone else hun, and congratulations for being self harm free (:

Definately talk to him, and don't feel afraid to say no if you need to. It's okay to take a break.

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Old 22-12-2008, 11:04 AM   #12
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well it' s good that you are open with him about this. I can also perfectly understand you're not wanting to see a councillor, but maybe an option in the future?


what my boyfriend and i have been doing is we sort of started by doing things other than "real sex" (as i call it). at first it was massages and stuff, then moving on to other stuff, but still not 2real sex", all the time i would make him speak to and stuff, sort off to remind me that it was him and i was ok/safe (*my mind had a habit of forgetting that, sometimes i even "saw" my abuser instead of my boyfriend)
we moved onto "real sex" after that. but always do something else first



Quote:
Something a former therapist suggested was perhaps learning to masturbate and kinda rewiring that part of yourself. Learning that touching there is all right, it's not going to hurt, and that it can feel good.
my old councillor said that too... my boyfriend is currently trying to get me to do this route... but I can't even touch my breasts let alone anywhere else...



basically i guesss just take it at your own pace... and try not be be scared to say "no", he sounds very understanding and it's ok to find things hard or want to stop



sorry if this doesn't make much sense... working on it but can't talk about (nor type apparently) that area of the body nor sex too well... can't bring myself to say some of the words nor names of body parts...

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Old 23-12-2008, 12:55 AM   #13
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The idea of not doing directly sexual stuff sounds... nice. It had been brought up somewhat but we never really knew where to go from there. I may mention it again. I know what you mean about seeing the abuser. I haven't got one face in particular to see but I have a habit of forgetting it's him. I've told him I'd like for him to speak and we do try, but, neither of us really knows what to say to be honest. I think, by the sounds of it, it's something he wants to work on.

I finally got to speak to him about it earlier. He would like to back off and try and take it much slower than we have, I think he maybe didn't realise quite how big a deal it is for me, and I haven't done too well at explaining it, I still have trouble explaining it to him. But he said he wants to just cuddle, and kiss, but not as intensely as before, and he wants to talk while we are and stuff, which is a huge thing for me though I've tried not to make a big deal of it. I don't think he would like the idea that I keep mistaking him as one of the other men... heh.

Is him backing off a good sign? He assures me he wants to help me and that he thinks this will be better for me, he wants me to be comfortable. Maybe it's just my mind and experiences screwing it all up but I feel like I should be associating backing off with anger, or with him not caring for me so much anymore. But I don't... feel... like that's the case, it's just what my mind is telling me I should be thinking.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : topic of mastubation, somewhat graphic, possibly triggering
I suppose I'm both lucky and unlucky on the mastubation topic. I was forced to do it, a lot, so I am able to (despite it being horribly upsetting at times). But because of having to do it, it has the bad associations like everything else, and tends to upset me, or I feel nothing. I can feel the intensness of a... climax, physically, but no emotion goes with it, and I know theres supposed to be emotions with it for a woman. Then again, I guess I should just be happy I can do that much, I actually blocked out any physical sensation from that area until recently, I felt nothing from stimulation in that area until recently so...


I just wish I were brave enough to say no. I've been able to ask him to stop... timidly... a couple times now. And I've had a couple of nice little panic attacks where I start shaking and crying and freak out totally on him <_< Poor guy, heh... he really is patient.

So much going on in my mind right now... lol

Oh! And thank you for the confetti!!! I'm so glad that part of my life is over!



Live to Dream and Dream to Live
A flash in the dark
Of a blade so clean
Memories of remorse
Thoughts left unseen
We can do this in time, we can be free
(Was written in late 2006. Now, finally, early 2008, I really am free, and it feels amazing)


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Old 26-12-2008, 01:28 PM   #14
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I've decided to try and keep some sort of journal. I don't have a lot of memories of my past, all I have are assorted writings, so simply from this perspective I guess it's worth another shot, if only to give me a milestone if things go bad and I begin to forget again.

Still hoping him backing off is a good thing. We are going to spend the day together tomorow, but it'll be around people so we wont get a whole lot of anything in I don't think.



Live to Dream and Dream to Live
A flash in the dark
Of a blade so clean
Memories of remorse
Thoughts left unseen
We can do this in time, we can be free
(Was written in late 2006. Now, finally, early 2008, I really am free, and it feels amazing)


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Old 26-12-2008, 09:30 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by abba12 View Post

Still hoping him backing off is a good thing. We are going to spend the day together tomorow, but it'll be around people so we wont get a whole lot of anything in I don't think.
My boyfriend suggested to me that he should back off too, and he did. It's not a bad thing. We've grown closer because of it. If you're concerned that it's because he doesn't care anymore, try and think that maybe him backing off is his way of showing that he cares - because he wants things to be right for you.



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Old 27-12-2008, 01:46 AM   #16
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i'm glad that you spoke to him. he sounds really understanding. I'm sure the backing off thing is meant to be a good thing, sort of a way of helping you. I'm sure it doesn't mean that he doesn't care, if anything it probably shows that he cares alot...

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Old 29-12-2008, 07:42 AM   #17
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We have spent the past two days solid together hehe. I don't think the back off physically is bad, but really, we've not backed off.

For me, knowing he is more aware of me and what's happening for me has made me more comfotable on it's own. It might seem strange but, knowing he is happy to back off is enough to make me feel safe moving forward.

It was a lot easier the second time hehe :)



Live to Dream and Dream to Live
A flash in the dark
Of a blade so clean
Memories of remorse
Thoughts left unseen
We can do this in time, we can be free
(Was written in late 2006. Now, finally, early 2008, I really am free, and it feels amazing)


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Old 30-12-2008, 04:14 AM   #18
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i'm dating a guy who's quite patient as well...it's helped me loads in working through my past, that there's no pressure. but i still struggle too. i know what you're going through



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Old 01-01-2009, 06:40 AM   #19
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he might have felt bad if he believes in no sex before marriage, he might have felt in his mind that he was going too far... and then he seems to have re-considered.

as for the numbness thing, my breasts are like that, constantly and it's never gone away... don't know why, but i still dont like em being touched coz it feels wierd in the least and tickly in the most.
lots of love, mand x



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