So I am actively self harming with food for the last couple of days and I am scared that I escalating. I am afraid to tell anyone in case they don't let me go back to school.
I mean I feel so out of control and I see myself making good decisions and then the rest of each day goes pear- shaped. I never did it so deliberately before. It was usually a trigger and a binge result that I could assess the next day in terms of how it impacted my diabetes.
Now I feel like I am trying to possibly do serious life ending stuff. I don't get it. Like I know one of my meds impacts my ability to feel full. That my family is purposely not supporting me to prove that I CANNOT deal with stress, but all I am thinking is even if I miss a few weeks of school and my diabetes is uncontrolled I can still work it out.
But I know that it doesn't work like that. The last time I had a break I zonked out for a day....so how can I get to school late and expect to get a break and catch up on like a month back log of studies.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Getting quite a few of the diabetes symptoms....
Blurring vision....
Mainly forgetting meds and meals again....
Trying harder to be careful but around evening time I am finding it really challenging to wind down safely
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Hiya, sorry I haven't been around. It does sound like things have escalated to the point where you need to seek medical help, do you think you'll be able to do that? Hopefully with their support you'll be able to be well enough for school.
Does reminding yourself of how much you want to be able to go to school help at all with challenging these urges to not use food appropriately?
Sometimes.
I fell out with my GP- and the current one isn't really trained in MH issues.
They prescribed a pain med that made me very very ill- and it was apparently a duh moment for most of my medical colleagues that it would have meant I needed insulin as it was an emergency- chronic pain and dangerous high levels.
I am probably going to get tested re: Hb1AC before making the last decision about school. The triggers are out of control and I keep telling myself things will be different at school because my family are the biggest triggers....but now I am not so sure.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I did so good at the very beginning of moving up to school. But things keep getting out of hand especially at night. I am soooooo uncomfortable and my chronic pain is out of hand. I don't want to take pain killers as it is a lot to get used to and I want to feel alive- even if it hurts at the moment.
However, I am really over tired and I know I need medical help- but things like my insurance and the time to sort it hasn't materialised yet. I have someone who offered to help me set it up through the school and I am embarrassed that I will probably have to take the help.
I am crying a lot.....especially acknowledging how bad my anxiety is. I haven't been able to use my negative coping tools so I had to ride out the bad spells cold turkey- and it has been awful.
I keep hearing all the negativity and lack of support from back home.
I keep feeling worried that I'll be found out and kicked out of school.
I need a break in terms of not feeling so depressed and anxious and not motivated.....I am doing so much and I keep having to remind myself that I don't view my achievements realistically- I always think I am doing worse than I really am......
So much of the way I feel is anxiety- especially when I eat well- but it feels soooo bad......
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Sounds like you are doing really really well, so well done for that.
Accepting help is a brave and sensible thing to do, there's nothing to be embarrassed about; I'm sure the person who has offered to help you get the medical care set up is more than happy to help.
Is there any sort of advice/counselling service at your school?
*urgently ill but when all of you disabilities conspire against getting help
UPDATE I am in medical non- MH crisis at the moment related to my diabetes- possible ketoacidosis. I may just be physically ill and it has me in a tail spin or it may be that my last week/ day stress has triggered a cortisol storm messing with my levels. Due to my financial fears I am trying to self treat and avoid going to the ER as I fear this will negatively impact my ability to pay for....errrrr.....medication and appts. TBH I may try to go in a couple of hours. There are no buses and I've been doing positive things for the past 3 hours to hang on.
In the grand scheme of things 3 months is not very long.
To get an insurance plan and be referred to not one but 5 points of care:
On and On and On and On and On- annoyingly so much of it was up to me.
Getting help, asking for help, consistently forging forward when everyone seems to pass the buck. In the end my resistance to be possibly treated for binge eating ED is on the front door.
It is in my physical file as a heading but my psychiatrist was basically like-
Because I am studying this stuff, I am so frustrated. Because I am basically diagnosis and treating myself again....like how it is back home and I also have great fear about where this rabbit hole is headed.
I spent two whole months not being in a good MH way and it means nothing to my school. I need a break, but I cannot get my school to listen because they are either too busy or it's too much trouble for them to give me a break.
(Plus I've been reading too much international press about how unfair accommodations are to other students and in terms of people studying for the type of degree I'm doing- but expect to work....)
One fear in writing this is that this is some aberration of an active suicide attempt. I have taken great pains to resist SH/SI since returning to school.
I now get to this place where I am trying to get help for my food issues and everything is just flooding me.
I keep telling myself I can be a rabbit- but.....
Okay this post is taking me forever. I realized that I am probably a bit hypomanic and triggered by my homework. If I could get all of this off my plate over the weekend- things should get better- but exactly that analogy is stressing me out.
Right now I am trying my new skills from my treatment session.
My fear is involving my family as all my forms of support are currently going through pretty emotional trying times themselves.
Maybe that is part of the challenge. Knowing I don't have support.
I am trying to visualize myself succeeding.....but.....my grades aren't going to fly in my mind's eye
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Have you tested your ketones? Please do get yourself to the ER if you need to.
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of things. You mentioned that your schoolwork is a big stressor at the moment; is there any kind of holidays coming up soon that'll give you a chance to get a bit of a break?
ER visits are in the range of hundreds of dollars. I understand when it is necessary but it is frustrating when that is given as the only option.
Gratefully I got seen as an urgent visit in normal hours. Also the doctor on duty thinks it is something else triggering my crisis, which was a little more realistic to get through the weekend other than ketoacidosis. Not testing ketones specifically but yes aware they were present and not going away.
So got tested in case I have a latent infection and given an achievable goal for weekend- ensure I don't forget not to..... (not a tip- but may trigger) It is amazing how powerful that has become in my life to lose entire segments of my day to stress and not remember to do basic things that are easy for other people.
Feeling a little less stressed because of the reality of at least managing this weekend.
Monday can worry about itself.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I am a lot better. I spent a large part of today sitting with the "irritated" emotion. My BS was low and it was really hard to be told by my medical care team that I had to eat...I am feeling a lot more empathetic to those on RYL with ED. I am so confused because by having access to health care I can see how I really needed the care, yet at the same time I am very afraid of being told that I am wasting money....by family etc.
For me it is too much to manage the everyday stresses- like in the last 48 hours I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me, I was rolled up in the rug, the rug got thrown on the back of a moving truck, and then felt out of the truck and then the rain fell.....
If I didn't have a health team to check in with- I'd be alone. Because even those you think you can turn to disappoint you. I literally got kicked out- I mean I unceremoniously, and I kept telling myself I had somewhere to go, and I understand the circumstances- and it wasn't personal. But my brain is fixated on the words used and the fact that I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
I think about the times I snapped at people because I am "irritated"- thinking it was my bipolar, but now realizing that it was more likely my low blood sugar. And how hard it is for me now to accept a balance. What being irritated and angry and lonely and bored all mean- and why I cope with eating.
I am waiting for the clouds to part again, because of so much happening with me. I literally made so many snafus this morning, and I am still recovering from them. At the same time- every noise is too much; every worry about tomorrow and the weekend is flooding over me like waves.
I realize that I am trying to be perfect in everything- and all I can do to cope is take life one day at a time. Because these new skills are hard to apply. I generally just feel sad. Because I know I will stop going to therapy and medical appointments very soon in an attempt to save money and prove that I can do it on my own- and most likely when I have a crisis it will be near to impossible to restart.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Glad to hear that you're doing a lot better and that you've got a medical care team looking out for you. Can you pinpoint what it is that's making it hard for you to eat when you're told you need to?
I'm afraid I don't quite follow; where is it you got thrown out of?
It can be quite helpful when we can identify a cause for feeling so irritable; hopefully that can be a motivation for you to try to keep your blood sugars a little more stable.
Sounds like you know that disengaging from therapy/medical appointments will not be beneficial to you; maybe you could communicate this to the people involved in your care so that they can support you in not trying to do it all by yourself too soon!
