forcing self to stay awake as a form of self harm?

[cloudedmind]

Does anyone else do this? When everything first started I felt I was not deserving of sleep, and had to stay awake as long as possible. The later it was , the more likely it was someone would like me. I also did it to punish myself for being a loner, etc.

This was when i was around 12 or 13/14, now I am 18 and although i do suffer from insomnia, I've realised that on bad days, I still force myself to stay awake. I'm not sure whether this is conscious or not, but I will often stay up until i am almost crying and in pain from tiredness, despite having to get up the next day.

I was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar, and whether you think it counts as a form of 'self harm' if you like? (I know the term doesnt seem to fit but it sort of does if I'm doing it with the intention of punishment / depriving myself / damaging my body in a more subtle way through exhaustion?).

I feel at a loss about how to stop myself doing it as I often dont realise (so maybe it's more of a compulsion?) And I haven't figured out what triggers it (sometimes when i feel awful I just sleep, so it isn't always the same) plus it is hard to decipher between being wide awake and wanting to be wide awake. Basically, if I can't figure it out I have no idea how to deal with it.

Maybe I am just crazy.

[TheLoneWolf]

I completely get that, it's now hard to tell whether it's actual difficulty sleeping or if it's a choice. But there's that saying "no rest for the wicked" and I guess that's what I've been going by :l

I'd also like to know if this is classed as a form of self harm, but it's definitely self-deprivation. Hope you manage to sleep soon or in the foreseeable future x

[Bluegirl]

I definitely do this. I am in a therapeutic community at the moment & they def class it as a behaviour.

[nowhereman]

I do this sometimes but I usually end up catching up on sleep the next day, or else I stay awake for days then sleep for days. Sorry I've no help but you're not alone.

[Rilic]

I've kind of always had insomnia, but I've never thought of it as a SH behavior, I've just never wanted to sleep. Sometimes, I hate the idea of having to sleep, of needing to sleep to function, and I can force myself to stay awake for 3 to 6 days, or even longer, before I kinda just shut down. But only for a few hours, like someone's idea of a normal 6-8 hours then I'm up and ready to start all over again.

[nowhereman]

I used to be afraid to sleep in case everything was gone when I woke up.

[cloudedmind]

I don't think I am afraid to sleep, or that I do it because I hate 'needing to sleep' - I actually love sleep in that it (supposedly) refreshes me, and also it stops me thinking for a while. But it's weird, when I feel low I feel the urge, the need, to stay awake as long as I possibly can, and I can't figure out why.