Graphic - Feeling really shit like i dont want to be alive anymore

[ADownie25]

Hate feeling like this but everything is just building up nd up nd up. I've already lost my uncle and my cousin and face losing my ex boss who i was really close to. she never gave up on me and risked her career by taking me under her wing what a big risk she took for the likes of me. And on top of that i face losing my gf who i love more than anything in the world why because im not treating her right due to the fact im not managing how i am feeling, i just feel so hurt its unbelivable. Maybe my gf and everyone else is better off without me that way i cant hurt her anymore...I dont want to hurt her anymore :( i want her to be happy. I want this pain to STOP!!!!!! i cant go through this anymore. I cant keep feeling this hurt!!!! I wish i was dead :(

[PassedExpectations]

i can hear how desperate you are right now... it sounds like you're feeling really hopeless and overwhelmed, and like everything is going wrong, particularly with relationships. you said that you need to figure out how to handle your emotions better so that you don't push away your girlfriend... what emotions are the ones that are giving you particular trouble right now and causing the rift with her? hopefully we can help you think of some other ways to handle those feelings that would be healthier for both of you.... sometimes when i can't think what i can do with feelings, i ask myself what other people might do with those same feelings, and it helps me come up with some ideas... its kinda strange, but making it less personal to me can help me come up with more options.

they aren't better off with you dead. that thought is one that comes from feeling really depressed; it does'nt reflect reality. its a symptom of how bad you're feeling at the moment, and you've got to do everything you can to not listen to it or beleive it.

why do you think you are going to lose your ex-boss?

[crazykat]

It sounds like you have experienced alot of loss in your life, that can be hard to deal with and can often leave us feeling very alone and like we have been abandoned. It's understandable that things have got too much for you and that you don't know quite how to deal with it. Please know that this is doesn't have to be the end for you though, their are things you can do to help improve things.

One of the things you mentioned was having difficulty controlling your emotions. Perhaps if you told us a bit more about any particular emotions that you are finding hard we could help you come up with better ways of being able to manage them. Have you spoken to your girlfriend about how much your struggling? Perhaps if she knew she might be able to help you find better outlets for your emotions too. Hold on there, it can get better

[ADownie25]

The feelings are mainly of hurt and a lot of pain made worse by feelings of self harm that come up to try and combat the hurt etc but it only makes things worse as the self harm then becomes another battle which drains me to the point that sometimes i cave in and go back to self harm, Then theres pain from the people ive lost but also from how i can see that ive treated my gf :( She really doesnt deserve me she deserves better :( And i think im going to lose my ex boss because she was on life support and they turned it off last night so ive now lost my uncle, cousin and ex boss all of whom i was close to :( i just feel broken beyond repair :(

[PassedExpectations]

so self harming has sorta become a vicious cycle... its hard to put the brakes on, but you've got to throw a wrench in the system somewhere... break the cycle at some point...

how can you avoid mistakes you made in the past? you can learn from mistakes, make things better in the future.

i'm really sorry to hear about your boss, i didn't realize you meant that she was dying, i thought you meant she was just getting distant.... is there anything you have to remember her by?

[ADownie25]

Its ok you werent to know. Nothing but memories to remember her by. Her funeral is on the 18th but really dont feel like going as its held in the town where my uncle and cousin used to live before they died.