I've got myself into a mess and I don't know how to get out of it.
I've basically not been to uni in about a month now. It started because I was very suicidal and had to go home to see the duty workers and be assessed etc.
Then I started to feel ill and it's just never gone away. I saw my doctor at the beginning of the week and I've got to have blood tests. It could be something 'simple' like my thyroid or anaemia, but if it's not he agreed it sounds like it could me ME/Chronic Fatigue.
The problem is I pack my bag and set my alarm for uni, and at 6am when my alarm goes off I feel like I haven't slept properly (despite taking 2 sedating anti depressants) because I get bad nightmare and restless legs (lots of pain in my legs when I'm resting). I have a huge mental block about 6am, it's like I don't have the effort to get out of bed that early. I've tried taking my mirtazapine earlier the night before but it doesn't seem to make much difference.
So the days turned into weeks and now my lecturers are concerned I've missed too much. I have been listening to the lectures online, and I'm still doing my assignments on time, but I just cant seem to be able to physically get into university. The thought of getting a bus, a train, and another bus just to get in makes me want to cry because I am so so tired- mentally and physically.
If by some sort of miracle I do make it in to uni after one half day I get home feeling very unwell, the aches and pains worsen and I often feel sick and so tired and like my muscles are all fizzy.
It was exactly this situation which made me drop out of my previous university. So this 'illness' has been going on at least a year. I get aches and pains and extreme exhaustion which causes me to have lots of time off.
I'm worried my GP thinks I'm a hypochondriac, and he said that ME is still a controversial diagnosis with no test so what if he thinks I'm just making it up?
Even when I went to Hull in the summer to visit my boyfriends family I struggled so much with exhaustion, sometimes crying in private because I was so tired and getting so many headaches and my IBS was playing up.
As I sit here now my legs are cramping and hurting.
I don't know what to do. My blood test is tuesday and I have to wait a week for the results, and in the meantime my lecturers are expecting me back at university because if I have any more time off I think I'm at risk of being chucked out.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I think you've sort of sleepwalked into this Sarah and had you spotted it a bit earlier it would be easier to get out of. I can remember in a previous thread of yours I asked you how you would avoid the same situation happening again with uni, you said you didn't know.
With ME there is a treatment called graded activity where you gradually increase the amount you are doing, I think this is what you need to do, no matter what your diagnosis is. Draw up an agreement with your uni of a step by step return to lectures. Start by turning up for just one. Yes, you will be exhausted and it's not going to be pleasant, but sometimes in life you've just got to push on through the tiredness if the results are worthwhile. Of course, you might decide to drop out, but getting a job is going to be even more tiring and you're too intelligent to waste your life on the sick.
You also need to take a look at your lifestyle. Frankly, you live too far from uni. Anyone would be exhausted with that commute, let alone someone on sedating medication. You also go to your mum's home every weekend, which is even more travelling and means you don't get to relax whilst you have time off. If you want to get your degree, it might be better to move to where your uni is located. You might also want to think about how best to spend your weekends. It is fairly common for uni students to go six weeks or more without returning to their parents house. Again, you may decide that family and partner are more important than a degree, that's a perfectly legitimate decision that a lot of people take.
I've been pretty blunt with my opinions here but that's because I know what it's like, I used to have a mammoth commute to work so I could live with my partner in the town he wanted to live in. The exhaustion contributed to a major breakdown. Take care Sarah and have a good long think about what you want.
It's not an option to live at uni- i'd be away from Dave and my family and away from my cmht. I know I'd be worse mental health wise because i'd be isolated and away from my support structure.
The commute is an hour each way. I do have a taxi allowance which helps enormously, and as I travel away from London I dont get caught up in rush hour.
I know I go home most weekends to help mum with the dog, but I cant get out of it as Mum got very upset when I said I wanted to stay at daves over the weekend amd she keeps saying how close to breakdown she is.
We've come up with an agreement that I only have to come home every other weekend which is better.
I think my main issue is getting up in the mornings and overcoming my mental block.
I really hope the blood test shows something that can be easily treated.
As you say getting a job would be more demanding than my current set up, and I really want to finish uni.
Next wednesdays is when I'm back in uni so i'm aiming to go then.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Could you and Dave move closer to uni? Say halfway between where he wants to be based and campus. Remember everywhere has a CMHT, it'd take a bit of used to working with new people, but moving doesn't mean losing mental health support.
I think you are like me, it's probably eldest child syndrome. After my Dad left, my Mum leant very heavily on me for support. I was younger than you, so the sacrifices I made were different, but that almost reversal of parent-child roles was there. Every other weekend is a big improvement, so see how that impacts on your energy levels. Try and encourage your mum to seek other forms of support, such as counselling, without making her feel like you want to abandon her.
Some people, especially those on sedating medications just struggle to get up in the mornings, I'm one of them. I prepare things the night before so it only takes me twenty minutes between waking up and getting the bus to work. Lay out your clothes the night before. Have a breakfast you can just grab, breakfast biscuits or cereal bars are great for this as you can eat them whilst travelling too. Ultimately it doesn't matter if you are stumbling around like a zombie, so long as you can get out that door in time, you can wake up properly gradually on your public transport.
Don't get your hopes up about the blood test giving you a clear answer. Being tired all the time is a notoriously vague symptom that doesn't often have a clear cause. I'm also a bit confused as to how your doctor can be considering ME when you are on sedating medication, how can he rule out the tiredness being a side effect?
Don't just aim for uni next Wednesday, do it! Tell Dave I said he has to cook you a nice tea and get dessert in if you make it. I really think next weds is probably make or break, if you can't force yourself in when you are determined to go in, then you definitely can't force yourself in on an ordinary day when you have less motivation. However, if you make it, then it' say really positive start to getting properly back in to your degree. Personally, I think you'll do it, you have doubts,worries, challenges and hurdles, but it comes across that you really want this degree.
Its not fair to ask Dave to move, plus neither of us want to, we like where we live. I dont think a one hour commute is really that far? I guess its far enough that the thought of it makes me upset but I used to get like that on a 20 minute bus journey to college.
I have to get up about one and a half hours before I need to leave the house. I have IBS and often eating breakfast can set it off so I need good time to use the toilet. Eating breakfast on public transport would be a no no! So when I wake up at 6am its to leave the house at 7.25.
Basicaly i've been on the medication for years and years, and the sedation I feel on it is totally different from the exhaustion I get after being at uni. But the doctor may not even diagnose ME he just said the symptoms could be explained by it.
I'm going to go in next wednesday! And i'm going to hand in my essay too.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Sorry to hear about these troubles you're going through. How many days a week do you need to be up early? Sometimes it helps me to think "okay I have to be up early today but tomorrow/soon I can sleep in". Or to plan nice things for myself that might motivate me out of bed. Another trick is to put on dancy music.
I hope your blood test goes well. How is your mood amongst all this? x
It's great that you made 3 days!
Have you spoken to your university's DDS? They may be able to support you through the tests/if you are diagnosed with ME
Look in to whether EDS (ehler-danlos syndrome) explains a lot of your symptoms - my sister was told she had fibromyalgia and ME...she doesn't.
Have you thought about trying to go in for one lecture/one half day? Start small and build it up. If 6am is scary, try getting up at 8am.
Making it in for some lectures is better than not at all :) Good luck.
Take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt because every 60seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back
...don't be afraid your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.