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Old 03-07-2012, 08:13 PM   #1
singing potato
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Why quit?

I relapsed a few weeks ago and now that SI is back in my life, I don't want it to go. Honestly, it's not much of a problem now so I don't see why I should quit, I know I should. The way I see it, it's not really a "habit" yet, it's not out of hand yet and that's the only way I will quit. I just want to hold onto it, I enjoy it too much. What makes it worse is my roommate/best friend can tell everyday I cut, he is VERY good at reading people and somehow I just act different on days I cut.

I don't know, does anyone else get what I mean? It almost feels like an old friend just came back in my life and I don't want them to go.




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Old 03-07-2012, 08:48 PM   #2
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*SIGH*
I relate well to this this week. I thought that I had gotten out of the habit, at least I could really control it anyway, and I just lost control this past weekend. At first I was furious with myself, like 'how could I start this crap again', and then once I accepted that it had happened I started realizing that I'd missed it quite a bit, and that well, if I've already fracked up this badly, what's the point in stopping again?

It's frustrating to think about, and I definitely feel you on the 'old friend' bit. Hard to explain to the new boyfriend who doesn't know the entirety of my dark past....

Meh, I'm not very good for advice at this point, just relating I s'pose. :/

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Old 03-07-2012, 08:54 PM   #3
singing potato
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It helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Thanks.




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Old 03-07-2012, 09:01 PM   #4
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I can relate to your post too - I think I feel the way I do because even though when I SI it's because I have negative feelings, when you start again after a while without, it brings back the sense of release that is why I liked doing it in the first place.

I think of it kind of like a break up - you break up with someoone for a reason, because the relationship wasn't working for a reason, you don't see or speak to that person for a while and then when you do see them again, what comes back first is the positives - all the reasons you wanted to be with them in the first place, but not reasons why you broke up. So when you see them, it's nice, and and maybe you want to be back with them. I think SI is sort of similar - why did you give it up in the first place, what made you want to stop? If you can remind yourself of that then it might help you work through the feelings of wanting to start again.

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Old 03-07-2012, 09:28 PM   #5
singing potato
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Well I had a brief relapse. My best friend, Brian, told our mutual friend, Robert, about it and they both confronted me about it. They got me to throw away my blades. Robert said he would never trust me again if I bought blades again and if he found out I was cutting he would get me committed. Well since then Robert and my friendship has gone WAY downhill, I'm at the point where he is my second most hated person in this world.

Robert likes to push buttons, specifically mine because he knows he will get a reaction out of me. He feels no remorse whatsoever, and that's not even an exaggeration. He purposely tries to make me feel like complete garbage. To him everything I say, think, feel, is stupid and there's no reason for it.

What he said about him never trusting me again stopped me for a long time, but now I don't care what he thinks about me, so I just gave in one day and relapsed.




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Old 04-07-2012, 12:51 PM   #6
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hey.... it scares me how much i can relate to everything you said above... i kinde relapsed too a few weeks ago and now that im self harming again i dont want to let it go, i think the comparison with a relationship is very good. Its exactly like that. Curretnly i think im in controll so i wont stop, maybe when it gets to far one day.. who knows... im can not really gve you an advice... sorry.. but you're not the only one feeling like this



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Old 04-07-2012, 01:42 PM   #7
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I know exactly what you mean. It won't kill you as long as you don't go too deep, and it helps so much more than it hinders right? We don't see the evil in our addictions because we are too in love with them, and we have a hard time critisising things we love. That's why most people have difficulty finding faults in themselves. And I was in love with my addiction until I heard a story that chilled me to my core. There once was a lady who had a seven foot python for a pet. She liked to cuddle with the snake, and one day, she fell asleep with him in her bed. She woke up the next morning unharmed, so she started letting the snake sleep with her every night. After a week, she noticed her snake wasn't eating, so she took him to the vet. The vet ran some tests, and couldn't find anything medically wrong with the snake. There were no diseases, parasites, worms, or anything that would explain his loss of appetite. The vet asked if there was anything new in the snakes life that might be upsetting him, and the lady told the vet that the day the snake stopped eating was the day she started letting him sleep with her. The vet immediately realised what was wrong, and he told her "Ma'am, we have to kill your snake. He's starving himself to eat you." This is how addiction is. It lies beside you in your bed measuring you, sizing you up, waiting for the right time to consume you.



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You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.
You are more than the problems you create.
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Old 04-07-2012, 08:25 PM   #8
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can really relate to this, i was trying to stop then relapsed becuase i didnt really feel like giving it up, i felt like it made me feel better, like it helped. I went too far though and decided to stop again, it's been three months now and I now feel like SI isnt the best thing. But I get how yur feeling and maybe your just not ready to stop yet, which is totally fine, you may just need more time. Even though you may have relapsed, you learn something each time. it's natural to feel like that, since its such a big part of our lives, but when the time is right for you, it will get easier to let go of it.

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Old 04-07-2012, 08:52 PM   #9
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Honestly, I myself that all the time. The thing is, it is VERY easy to say it will be small/infrequent, but no matter how much you say it won't be, it is far too easy to get right back into it.



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Old 05-07-2012, 04:06 AM   #10
xMakeSomeNoisex
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I can relate as well, I managed to make it 5 months without self harm but today I ended up doing it again. Honestly I expected to feel guilty or upset about it but I didn't in fact for the first time in a long time it made me feel better instead of worse. I mean I know I shouldn't be doing it but it isn't like I am hurting anyone else and plus it helps me (especially helps me deal with my eating issues and depression a lot better). I know I shouldn't be doing this again and that it is bad for me but I just can't really bring myself to care.



“What if I'm so broken I can never do something as
basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted
that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still
exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an
animal get so removed from nature that it loses the
instinct to keep itself alive?”


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Old 05-07-2012, 06:50 PM   #11
singing potato
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Thank you everyone, I feel like all of you do. It really does help to know that other people feel like I do and that I'm not completely crazy.




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Old 05-07-2012, 09:04 PM   #12
pandachan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coffeekitty View Post
I know exactly what you mean. It won't kill you as long as you don't go too deep, and it helps so much more than it hinders right? We don't see the evil in our addictions because we are too in love with them, and we have a hard time critisising things we love. That's why most people have difficulty finding faults in themselves. And I was in love with my addiction until I heard a story that chilled me to my core. There once was a lady who had a seven foot python for a pet. She liked to cuddle with the snake, and one day, she fell asleep with him in her bed. She woke up the next morning unharmed, so she started letting the snake sleep with her every night. After a week, she noticed her snake wasn't eating, so she took him to the vet. The vet ran some tests, and couldn't find anything medically wrong with the snake. There were no diseases, parasites, worms, or anything that would explain his loss of appetite. The vet asked if there was anything new in the snakes life that might be upsetting him, and the lady told the vet that the day the snake stopped eating was the day she started letting him sleep with her. The vet immediately realised what was wrong, and he told her "Ma'am, we have to kill your snake. He's starving himself to eat you." This is how addiction is. It lies beside you in your bed measuring you, sizing you up, waiting for the right time to consume you.
This is a truly frightening and sickeningly appropriate allegory. Thank you for sharing.. Was it told to you as a true story or for metaphorical purposes?

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Old 05-07-2012, 10:10 PM   #13
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I totally understand where you're coming from and often feel the same way as you. I've been free for a long time but don't consider myself as such if that makes sense - I still think about it every day, I still have the tools to hurt myself with, it's still my first thought when I don't feel good. It helps, so what's the harm? Of course this isn't true - it does harm, huge amounts, and is very easy to start down that downward spiral.

If you can't justify stopping for yourself, do it for someone else. When I get really unsafe I think about my mum and my friends and how they would feel if they knew. That's what keeps me free x





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Old 06-07-2012, 06:05 AM   #14
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I was honestly just thinking the same thing. I've been trying to recover for nearly a year now, and right now I'm 17 days clean. But it's like a monster in the back of my head. I just started thinking, "You know, it IS a coping mechanism, and it did keep me from killing myself many times, why is it so bad?" And I wonder whether I'm right. I'm not completely sure. The farthest I'd go is that I still think if you want to kill yourself, but help isn't available and you think harming would make the feeling go away, then by all means do it. Scars are better than death. But you don't want to have it control your life. It's a constant internal battle, trust me, I know. It has to be treated like an addiction, because it is one. I guess my final response would be: don't beat yourself up for relapses or anything, because they happen, and they're pretty much inevitable, but keep yourself on the road to recovery.



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Old 09-07-2012, 03:58 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pandachan View Post
This is a truly frightening and sickeningly appropriate allegory. Thank you for sharing.. Was it told to you as a true story or for metaphorical purposes?
Thank you. It is a true story, but it was told to me for metaphorical purposes.



You are more than the choices that you've made.
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.
You are more than the problems you create.
You've been remade!


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