Not sure anymore

[Casey123]

I 'm at a point where I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm 35, a wife, and a mother of 3 great kids that hold my heart. I had fallen into a bad habit a few years back when my neice seemed lost in a bad relationship. It's nothing I'm proud of, but it eased the pain when we thought she was too far gone to come back. A few years passed and things changed. She came back home with a sweet baby boy on the way and things had started to fall back into place.
Our family took a hard blow when the man who raised me(my brother-in-law) was diagnosed with lung cancer and we lost him less than a year later. My kids fell apart, my sister's life changed and my son had a nervous break down at the young age of 8 on top of being bullied at school and my daughters have tried to be so strong but they're too young to me to have to go through this.
I've done so well with not falling back into those bad habits but there are times now when I want so bad to. Just to have a few minutes where things don't seem so lost and the pain doesn't seem so real. It would kill me to see one of my kids do the things I've done. I don't want to let them down, not after what they've been through. I just don't know how to handle things anymore.

[crazykat]

You have been through such a lot but to your credit your still here and fighting. Hurting yourself may give you a few minutes away from that pain but it really isn't worth it. Sure it may feel like it helps in the short term but in reality it only makes things worse in the long run.

Do you have any supports? You shouldn't have to shoulder all this pain alone. Perhaps also it is worth thinking about if there are healthier ways you can get that escape. What do you enjoy? Try do some of that to help you get through this.

[Casey123]

I try to stay as busy as I can. No one knows that I cut in the past. I don't want to tell anyone, I really don't want them to think I'm crazy and I don't want to loose the respect from my kids. I love to do anything outside but here lately we've had nothing but rain.
This family is so stressed right now. My brother-in-law was the main provider for his family. (There is a 20 year gap btwn my sister and I) We have been trying to take care of our family as well my sisters.
I haven't cut in over 4 years and I'm doing everything I can to stay out of that habit again.

[PassedExpectations]

what things did you learn to do instead of harming?... they may not provide releif from everything, but hopefully they will provide enough releif that you can keep going... i also come back to wanting to harm when i'm really stressed, even though i haven't in ages, so i understand the feeling... i still know how good that initial relief would feel, and really really want that, even though i know that getting it would hurt me and others... i've kinda just realized that while nothing else can give me quite that feeling, i've got to just accept that i'm going to go without it because the consequences are too great. it doesn't mean that i can't miss it, it just means that i can't give in. like someone who is diagnosed with celiac disease has to give up gluten... they're going to miss regular bread and cake and pizza and all that an awful lot at times, but have to just tolerate it and settle for gluten free because it isn't worth being ill...

[Casey123]

My kids are the main people that keep me busy. I try to keep their minds off of all the bad things they've had to go through. I hate seeing them hurt and I know that they have to grieve. I do ok as long as we're busy. The hardest is at night, when you're forced to think about everything.

[Casey123]

I haven't really learned anything different to do. I've never talked to anyone else about it. Things just got better one day, and so did I. Things started getting worse and I started wanting to cut again. It's ok as long as I'm busy, and sometimes just knowing the scars are there make the urge ease up.