I posted a thread about two months ago about my husband trying to be intimate in my sleep. And how uncomfortable it made me feel. Things at home got worse and whilst I had a load of people tell me that it was indeed yes rape, I was in a lot of denial and wanted to hang on to the fact that I thought my husband wouldn't do that to me. After some trouble at home, I finally woke up to the fact that I was in a domestic violent relationship and marriage. I have now escaped to a women's refuge with our one year old daughter very anxiously waiting for what's about to happen next. I am about 80 miles away from my husband so the likelyhood is that he will never find me. But here I am, sitting up at almost midnight. Terrified that he's going to find me.
I made my statement against the rape on Wednesday. At the police station. It was the bravest, possibly ( most stupid )thing I think I have ever done in my entire life. I have some evidence too, and statements from friends who noticed signs of what was happening at home. The refuge have classed me as medium high risk, which means I've just escaped before it got worse.
My anxiety as through the roof but I'll get there. I even sent screenshots of the thread to the police, it is proof of what happened and thanks to this forum, I even have the date!
Please can someone tell me that this is all going to be better one day and hopefully by husband will be locked away. Right now I have convinced myself he's capable of killing me, which I don't know yet but the refuge think I'm at risk to live here. Only the beginning, but we've been here a week now. There is hope.
this is something that will get better in time. I'd really strongly encourage you to reach out to services (be it victim services, MH services, etc) so that you have someone to talk to about this stuff. This is a really hard time, but you will get through this. And I am so proud of you for getting out. You can do this.
You were so brave in posting and braver still in leaving. It is still the beginning and progress might be slow but you will progress. A close friend went through something similar after a little while they said they "felt like they had the old them back" a little while after that they "that wasn't old me, this is now old me". Each passing day that goes passed you will get more of you back. Keep talking to people. Remember you are so so strong and that can get you through anything. Take care.
Thank you both! I am so scared and frightened, I'm still adjusting to not living on eggshells anymore. It is liberating being able to spend money how I like and being able to treat my daughter. He didn't like it when we left the house to do nice things, he got jealous because he was working so much. He keeps harrassing me so I changed my phone number, also going to see a counsellor today. It's private and quite expensive but I know I can't wait the waiting list- I need all the support at the moment to move forward otherwise I know I'll return to our marriage and things will just get worse. The police contacted me today and they are going to have me do a video statement next week. I am so anxious but I feel much safer living here. I've been far more relaxed. The refuge staff are wonderful they bought brand new toys for my daughter which meant so much to me I felt like crying. I've been able to buy her new shoes and stuff that she's needed but he would discourage me from buying. He's a horrible man and I'm finding but this week and a half away has brought light to his wicked behaviour. Staying strong and away, I won't let my baby girl go through this.
Well done for leaving. It must have taken a lot of courage but it was 100% the right thing to do. Keep letting the staff at the refuge help you to access services to support you and help you make steps towards your new life with your daughter and without him.
Thank you Pi, It's taken a lot of strength to know what's best for us. I'm getting anxious in the nights a lot, and struggling to sleep- I am convinced he will find me and kill me but ive got the support from the refuge staff. They are going to help me go to the doctors on Monday and I'm hoping I can get some medication to help me sleep and to relieve my anxiety.
You're a very strong person and a real hero. You've done a very courageous thing, the right thing. Now you're in a safe place and I know it must be scary, but you have good people on your side - the police and the refuge staff, they woulnd't let him hurt you anymore. Good luck with your doctor's appointment, hope you'll feel better soon!
I also just wanted to check in, see how you and your daughter are.
I also wanted to remind you that, even though things are really rough and scary right now, they will get better, and you can do this. You're so strong, and you're doing an amazing thing for the both of you.
Do you have any distractions or things that could help you at night? For a while I slept with a nightlight and noise machine - but I got one of those nightlights that projects waves on the ceiling vs a traditional one. I'm not sure. It helped me.
Update-
My police interview is on Monday at 3pm. I am terrified, it's going to be so scary but I know it's for the best. I can't get it out of my head that I'm robbing my daughter of a father. I know it's his fault but I just feel so guilty, I know even just the allegation of rape on his already probably bad criminal record will stop him from working etc. But I just feel like if I don't do it I am letting him walk away from something he should never have done. I don't feel morally right not reporting him. It's lovely the new town I'm in and that's helping distract me. I saw the doctor and they've given me diazepam for the time being until I'm feeling calmer. It's helping, I'm only taking one in the night because the GP warned me they're so addictive. My daughters been really ill this week so it's been really hard coping with everything else on top, it's been stressful. Every day I feel more reassured that I've made the right decision though I'm still frequently doubting myself. My benefits have been sorted now though so I finally have some income! It's not a lot but it's enough to get by and I have no bills to pay at the refuge. I have changed my number and haven't heard anything from my husband. I'm glad that I haven't but it makes me feel even angrier with him that he's not even bothering to fight for my daughter at all legally. If he had taken her away from me like this, a solicitor would have been in touch with him asap. He really can't be bothered with the responsibility. I did start paying for private counselling but the counsellor didn't like my daughter being with me during a session, so I've cancelled it. I am on a waiting list for free counselling but I know how long that takes. On a long bus ride home now after a day at hospital with my daughter. I have no mobile data left and no wifi at the refuge which is driving me mad but thank you so much for your replies. I am reading them when I can and it's making me feel less lonely xx
Hey, sorry for the slow reply, my weekend was hectic, but I wanted to wish you the absolute best of luck at your interview today. Please take care of yourself!!
Sorry also for not replying sooner, I hope the interview with the police went well and that your daughter is feeling much better soon. I'm pleased to hear that your benefits have been sorted, that must be a relief!
You did the right thing reporting it and getting away and I'm glad you're feeling more and more reassured that you made the right decision. No father is definitely better than an abusive one as far as your daughter is concerned.
Perhaps you could start looking into what services there are for children in the area, I don't know if maybe there's some kind of nursery or low-cost childminding that your daughter could go to, even if just for an hour or two week, so that you would be able to better access the counselling?
Some people can't separate being abusive to their spouse from being a father/mother. Staying in that sort of relationship doesn't give the child full access to either parent by walking away you are free to be the mother you want to be rather than the mother you can be within the rules set by an abusive partner.
I hope the interview with the police went ok, update us when you can. Know that we are on your side. You are doing the right thing. Best wishes.
It went really well. I am so proud of mysel. I stayed composed during the interview and women's aid have been such amazing support. I'm just glad I'm free. I cried during the interview but I managed to get myself together throughout that was only though when I was talking about the way my husband had been calling me a bad Mum. I'm determined to not let him beat me anymore. They are planning to interview him soon and arrest him but I don't know when. I know I've done my daughter proud. He hasn't even legally tried to fight for her and I can't see him managing anytime soon.
It's great to know everything went well! You're a real hero! It's amazing that you managed to stay collected through it all, well done. Congratulations on your freedom and bravery! I'm sure your daughter will be proud of you and happy to have a mom like this.
Hey. I know it’s still fresh probably for you. And if you don’t have any advice that’s okay. But I’m leaving my fiancé next month my dogs are leaving Wednesday. What are some tips you have because I’m scared. He is going to be blowing up my phone and I don’t want him to come to my house searching for me and find that I’m not here and get super upset and my parents end up telling them where I’m at.
