I really am trying, just not hard enough. And I don't know whether I want it or not. I know I don't want to be in an ED unit that's for sure. But. Don't want to gain or stay at this weight. I am trying to give myself some credit for trying, but it's so hard when I'm so torn about what I want.
You are right about the guilt. It just makes things worse.
I think with the reward chart I will put some more stickers up there, and try to tell myself I am doing the right thing. That getting the stars will keep me out of an ED unit.
I really don't think I could ask for the one that they forgot, I wouldn't be able to drink it. I don't know how I am going to go with the one tonight, it's 45minutes away and I'm already dreading it. Trying to stay distracted.
I have two stars now. For another bottle of water.
I will keep trying. Again you are right, sometimes trying is all we can do or ask for. I WILL keep trying.
Aaaaaaarrrrrggghhhh I don't want to gain any more weight, I'm terrified of it. It's a vicious circle.
Hey Ash, how are you doing with the evening sustagen?
I don't know what your reward chart looks like, but could you maybe write on there "each star keeps me out of the ED unit"? Or a message more personalised to you to help you.
It is hard when you don't want to be in the unit, but, you also don't want to gain/maintain weight. That's a sign of a problem and there's no easy solution, but if being put in a unit is a real threat then it sounds like you have to do what you need to try and avoid it.
Have you done any work about 'why' the gaining weight terrifies you?
Well done on the two stars and bottle of water :)
You get a star from me, too, for posting here about how you're doing...
Aimee,
Thank you.
I had half my 7pm sustagen while a nurse was watching and encouraging me.
That's a good idea to put a message about keeping out of the ED unit. Thanks. I'll do that.
The why is that I feel so overwhelmed by flashbacks and body memories and they feel so out of my control that not eating gives me back some control.
Thank you very much for the star!
Ritzi,
Thanks for the reply and the thoughts
*safe hug*
Still annoyed at myself for drinking the sustagen. But I get some stars for trying.
A nurse I had a catch up with said that the blood tests can be fine one day and really out of whack the next so there's a big risk there. That's scares me.
I'm trying to relax by having a cigarette and some coke zero...
I'm glad you're trying to relax. It seems scary with the blood tests, but hopefully they continue to be good for you. Moreover, I'm really proud of you with the sustagen tonight, great work :)
I understand the feelings about control, and it must be so tough with the flashbacks and body memories too. I wonder if there would be other ways of feeling like you're in control that don't involve food? For instance, I like to 'control' my hair - it sounds silly, but I colour it all the time and style it differently and it gives me a sense of control. I do the same with cleaning if I'm feeling really out of control, but that can become problematic for some.
Maybe if you can think of a little thing to control, you might be able to reduce a bit of the anxiety about having the sustagen. But I think you did the right thing in drinking it and I'm proud of you.
It is scary with the blood tests. I can only do my best like you said.
Thank you for being proud of me.
It doesn't sound silly with your hair it sounds cool. I don't know whether I could give up the control I have, I don't want to let it go. I just want to lose, and I feel trapped by it as well as in control. I'm in a very confusing place.
We had our sustagen this morning, under the watchful eye of our nurse, not feeling good about it, still feeling huge, worse than huge, I just want to be in control and thin.
Had two sustagens today.
Terrified of being weighed on Sunday.
I want to feel in control. At the moment I can't decide whether I feel in control or completely out of control. I am going out with my grandparents tomorrow so I'll get a little bit of excercise. To see to the dogs and buy a few things. That should be nice. They are very worried about me and I feel so guilty when I see them. I put on a brave face for them because i can't let them see what a mess i am. My mum says they see straight through it and don't want me to pretend but incan't help it, i dont want to upset them
I'm really confused.
It sounds pretty confusing for you at the moment. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you're really in control, either. Maybe that's something to bring up with a psych when you see them next?
I'm glad you're getting out tomorrow. And great work on the sustagens too :) More gold stars? You're doing great work!
I think that's a good idea to bring it up. And admitting you can't stop this too is a really big step, so well done. Scary, but good, cause you are acknowledging you need help, at least on some level. Hopefully your psych is able to suggest some useful things for you.
I'm off to sleep but will check back in over the weekend, let us know how your time out goes :) Take care x
I'm so appreciative of your responses.
I will definitely bring it up. I've had half a sustagen and a coffee today (the coffee didn't stay down) my stomach didn't like it though I loved it on the way down. I'm a coffee addict.
Thank you for saying its a big step. I suppose it might be. But do I want the help?
Getting more and more terrified of being weighed tomorrow.
Had an awful night last night with flashbacks. Also an alter came out and repeatedly rammed the door into my hand so I spent the night in emergency to get it x-rayed. Now I have to wear a stupid sling. I'm lucky it's not my right hand though.
Well done Ash!!! You're trying so hard, you should be very proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.
I really hope you are able to bring it up with the psych. You want control which is understandable but oddly enough the best way for you to get control is to talk to those who can help and start taking control of your care.
I was wondering what type of treatment are you getting for the DID? Has anyone spoken to you or worked with you on possibly eventually working on integrating the alters?
Thanks Ritzi. Thank you for being proud of me, I don't feel very proud.
I poured my lunch time sustagen down the bathroom sink. I couldn't do it.
I plan on doing the same with tonight's.
You are right. I want control back, I will definitely be talking to my T/Dr about it all.
I'm in hospital both for my eating but mainly for the DID stuff. I have a thread in serious. My T/Dr does psychotherapy with me/us. We don't want integration we want to work as a team together.
Another thing. A nurse the other night suggested the not eating could be a passive suicidal thing. Because I am so overwhelmed with flashbacks/memories and body memories and just life. Something to think about.
I'm sorry to post again.
I got weighed again today and I've put on weight, not much but too much. I can't handle it. I want to rip the fat off. I can't stand it. Not coping with it at all.
I refused my morning sustagen. I just couldn't do it after gaining. I feel dissapointed in myself but I just really don't want to gain anymore. I'm terrified of it.
I also got more blood tests this morning. I hope the results are ok.
I wonder when I'm seeing the GP next.
Sorry I wasn't here over the weekend, but I was thinking of you. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling unsettled after gaining weight. I understand that feeling myself, but try and remember that weight gain will keep you out of the ED unit.
Are you seeing any psychologists or such this week that you can discuss these feelings with? Please try and have a sustagen today, you need strength. Not to gain weight but simply to survive.
Hey Aimee,
Don't be sorry at all.
I'm trying to think of the sustagen as a way to keep me out of the ED unit but my mind is so messed up and confused at the moment. I've only had one sustagen today. I can't handle anymore. I just can't.
I saw my Dr/T today and we talked about it a little bit. She said that I just need to keep up with the sustagen. She asked about my blood pressure which is typically low but not too bad.
I just keep hearing 'you're fat, disgusting' and the thoughts won't go away. I just want to lose weight. But I don't want to end up in an ED unit. So confused. Losing logic.
